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7 years later...I forgot how to be single

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Oneirogenic, Oct 28, 2013.


  1. Oneirogenic

    Oneirogenic

    Nov 10, 2009
    Disclaimer: I'm soliciting relationship advice. I know this stupid. Carry on :bassist:

    Skipping the sob story with the marriage ending, I'm single again after 7 years and I have no clue how to handle it! I've been enjoying the aspects of being single such as going out and doing what I want with whoever I want....but I don't know how to handle women. After spending so many years being out in public and having no interest in other females outside of shallow friendships I'm lost when it comes to being a single dude who is interested. Realistically I'm in no shape for a committed relationship right now but simple dating or friends with benefits type of deal should be pretty easy. I just don't know how to tell if a woman is interested and I get all these weird signals. I feel like I'm back in high school and figuring out if a girl likes you or not is just so confusing. I had no trouble with this from ages 17-20, I had lots of girlfriends and fun little flings. I've gone soft!

    The hardest thing is this very lovely woman who has a boyfriend that I think has a thing for me but I can't tell and I'm afraid of making an ass of myself and asking her. Maybe she just wants to be my friend...but do friends give long(I mean awkwardly long) sensual hugs and invite you over when their boyfriend isn't around(then he shows up, AWKWARD)? I guess my problem is that I'm a really mellow and nice dude who isn't very aggressive and I don't wanna be that guy who breaks up a relationship...but if she is unhappy and wants to end it why should I care? My problems are insignificant but I literally have no one else to talk to about this crap so I hope you all are a little entertained and can provide entertaining advice or responses. TB is the best place for relationship advice right?
     
  2. UncleFluffy

    UncleFluffy

    Mar 8, 2009
    California
    Head Tinkerer, The Flufflab
    IMO, (1) Stay away from situations that may turn complicated, like the friend with a boyfriend you're talking about. If nothing else, if she'll do it to him, she'll do it to you, and that's not what you need. (2) Keep it simple and honest. It's amazing how often you can ask a woman an honest question and get an honest answer. Not always, but more often than not ...

    edit: Women can smell desperation from a mile away and it's the biggest turn off there is. Live your life, and when you're ready it'll happen.
     
  3. Oneirogenic

    Oneirogenic

    Nov 10, 2009
    Well I'm not desperate. I'm just confused...I'm not actively seeking but these women keep showing up and I gotta admit I'd be happy to have relations with them...I guess I just need to be really straight forward with whomever I come across that I have interest in. Easier said than done of course.
     
  4. chris1125

    chris1125

    May 14, 2007
    2am relationship chat, subd.
     
  5. jmattbassplaya

    jmattbassplaya Looking for a gig around East Islip, NY!

    Jan 13, 2008
    Because how would that feel if it happened to you? And like Fluffy said, if she'll do it to him then she'll do it to you. This doesn't really seem like the kind of rebound you need to have coming out of a seven year marriage.

    That said, you at least seem positive, which is awesome. Enjoy your newly found freedoms and take full advantage of them. Don't stress finding a relationship right away. Just be confident in yourself and let things play out as they do. You'll be fine.
     
  6. tastybasslines

    tastybasslines Banned

    May 9, 2010
    Los Angeles, CA
    I was going to agree with him...that if she wants it, then why not?

    Then I saw the second part of your quote, and think this is more important. Jmatt is right. It is EXACTLY the kind of drama you want to avoid. Enjoy your life right now as you are, don't complicate it.
     
  7. warwick.hoy

    warwick.hoy

    Aug 20, 2006
    Spokane, WA.
    Beta Tester: Source Audio.
    My favorite line is "Nice Shoes, wanna ****?"
     
  8. Oneirogenic

    Oneirogenic

    Nov 10, 2009
    nice pick up line....are/were you the bass player in Mecha Shiva? If so we've met a few times. At Ron's house, talked about fuzz pedals.
     
  9. Oneirogenic

    Oneirogenic

    Nov 10, 2009
    I have had it happen to me. I wasn't too butthurt about it because I'm not really the jealous type. I found out she was too immature to tell me she wanted to move on so she took the easy way out. It's still a s***y thing to do so I'll avoid it. Drama is bad.

    I don't really care for a relationship right now but being alone is weird and who doesn't wanna go out and nail someone new after a long relationship?
     
  10. Jazz Ad

    Jazz Ad Mi la ré sol Supporting Member

    You have to start again with a solid base. Beer and hookers.
     
  11. Mike M.

    Mike M.

    Feb 14, 2010
    I'm no expert, but I think the smartest thing would be to take some time to be by yourself. Get to know you and who you are. I was married, have been divorced for years and in time came to find out I really didn't want to start all over again and I'm very happy with that decision. Alone but not lonely by any means at all.

    Simply put.....easy does it.
     
  12. Shakin-Slim

    Shakin-Slim

    Jul 23, 2009
    Tokyo, Japan
    I just got out after 7 years, too. Not a marriage but a very close relationship, so maybe it's similar. I would definitely say focus on becoming comfortable on your own. At the moment, as you say, it feels strange being alone. That's to be expected, but you don't really know yourself until you can be on your own and be cool with it.

    On the chick front, I dunno, man. Trying to figure that one out myself.
     
  13. MrLenny1

    MrLenny1

    Jan 17, 2009
    N.H.
    Enjoy being single, it will be a hard transition but Shakin-Slim is right IMHO.
    I've seen a lot of my buddies go thru this and a lot of them just jumped into
    relationships not to be alone and got their hearts dragged out many times.
    Don't worry, be happy. Get a dog, cat or play more bass.
     
  14. mellowinman

    mellowinman Free Man

    Oct 19, 2011
    Minneapolis
    I always take 1 year off after a big breakup. Just be friends. NOT "with benefits."
     
  15. RaginRog

    RaginRog Last guy you want to see is Employee Relations guy

    Nov 29, 2009
    Formerly Staten Island
    Twice divorced my advice is to stay away from relationships until the ink is dry on the divorce papers. Stay single for awhile...enjoy your freedom. Never date someone who just got out of a lengthy relationship unless they too have had some time to clear their head. I did eventually tie the knot, but it was about 4 years later.
     
  16. RaginRog

    RaginRog Last guy you want to see is Employee Relations guy

    Nov 29, 2009
    Formerly Staten Island
    NSA sex partners may be a cleaner alternative to the hookers...but beer all the way. :p
     
  17. 96tbird

    96tbird PLEASE STAND BY

    Your current interest is using you and needs to be eft in the dust. She honestly invites you over without thinking that her bf would show up and get pissed? You are doing her dirty work. Leave it behind; now.

    Not all women are like that but enough are that you have to be aware.
     
  18. Ironbar

    Ironbar Banned SUSPENDED

    Aug 24, 2013
    Tigard, Oregon
    I'm sorry, but if you are so dense as to not recognize that as a major DO NOT ENTER sign, then there's not a single piece of advice I can give that will make even a little bit of difference.
     
  19. fhm555

    fhm555 So FOS my eyes are brown Supporting Member

    Feb 16, 2011
    To avoid excessive ventilation of your internal organs VIA bullet holes from an excessively jealous soon to be ex maybe?

    Wait until she's done with her current squeeze before you move on her. Unless of course she drags you down and takes advantage of your current vulnerability stemming from your emotional instability trigged by your recently changed relationship status. In which case go with the flow, then go tell her boyfriend what happened so he's aware of her evil ways. Approach it with a bro's before ho's attitude, you are doing him this huge favor by not letting her make him a bigger fool than she already has. Once he's collected his stereo, or whatever it is people in semi committed relationships use as proof of commitment these days, ease on in and take his place, but only as a FWB because you are still so emotionally scarred by your recent breakup you are too afraid to commit to another LTR so soon.

    After that, all your problems with figuring out how to connect will be solved and you will also have a solid booty call on speed dial as you hunt for the second and third team.

    Or you could use the alone time to jumpstart your creative process and perhaps come up with the next number one pop hit where the singer laments lost love and unfulfilled expectations in a world so different than the one where their first love was spawned.

    If it's over, move on and quit worrying about how to approach the opposite sex. Just make yourself available and they will approach you, provided you are not all maudlin and bummed after a few libations.
     
  20. Milk

    Milk

    Sep 16, 2013
    Montreal, Canada
    Since i've been 22 (which was 13 years back) i forgot how to be single too. What i mean is everytime a relationship has ended since then, i got another gf like at most a month after (actually longest was 3 months, shortest, barely a week) WITHOUT ACTIVELY LOOKING. Before i was 22? I'd never had a gf, ever (not even those grade school ones). At some point in my life i picked up the knack and I seem to not know how to lose it. I honestly forgot how to NOT have a gf. To be fair, i've now been 6 years with my current gf and i don't really intend for it to ever stop, fate providing, because it's impossible i could ever find someone that is so much like me and can understand me. It's one of those once in a lifetime thing.
     

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