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A Biblico-Musical Parable

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by Schwinn, Oct 12, 2004.

  1. Schwinn


    Dec 4, 2002
    Sarasota, FL
    I constantly get made fun of for being a bass player in my band...here is the latest joke passed along by the guitar player. 7 string soloists will be amused.

    A Biblico-Musical Parable
    by Tony Levin

    In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision,
    but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway,
    it was very old... definitely pre-C.B.S.

    And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was
    very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all
    (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to
    play the bass.

    And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red,
    and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and
    the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments
    (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God
    heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.

    Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo, it
    was funky. And God heard this funkiness and He said,
    "Go man, go." And it was good.

    And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to
    practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him
    a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes
    rippled like a breeze through the heavens.

    And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He
    had created earlier. It also sounded something like
    the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was
    not so pleased.

    And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"

    Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new
    ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of
    funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran
    about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance,
    but that's another story.)

    And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And
    He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I
    wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass
    parts." And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew
    not to mess with it.

    But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took
    the frets off of the bass which God had created.
    And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play
    melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the
    man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high
    melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens
    rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.

    Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.

    And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall
    create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher
    than you can even think of."

    "And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall
    play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall
    make you to always stand next to the drummer."

    "You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to
    make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the
    earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and
    faster than the bass."

    "And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this: that all the other
    musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low

    And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" -
    but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you
    you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their
    bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy
    licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night."

    "And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the
    bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."

    And it was so.
  2. steal-o-matic


    Apr 11, 2004
    that was so funny
  4. :crying:

    That's so SAD. And true.
  5. Aaron Saunders

    Aaron Saunders

    Apr 27, 2002
    Read it before, still love it.
  6. yearofthespider

    yearofthespider Guest

    May 15, 2003
    Oklahoma City
    that was great i laughed forever lol to bad its kinda true though