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A failed engagement-I wrote a lot.

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by A-Step-Towards, Aug 15, 2012.

  1. Not that I like to post super personal stuff here but I think its best for me to vent, allow me to move on and also hear others opinions on things.

    I formed a band about 2 years ago now with two buddies and some girl singer. She had just moved here from Israel and had been a band previously. I was about 20 almost 21 and she was 17 and turned 18 a few months later. Anyways 4 months after the band formed, she asked me what was wrong and I brushed it off-eventually I told her that I had a crush on her and she didn’t know how to respond and left in silence, letter she wrote me on face book stating she would like to go on a date.

    We started dating soon after. She was a virgin and stated that was something she wanted to save for her husband so I didn’t push the issue. Eventually it happened and for months she talked about how we were married in god’s eyes etc. Eventually we became engaged and really there was nothing wrong with the relationship ever, she actually bought me a ring right before she left. We pushed each other and I figured out her classes so instead of dropping out like she was going to , she graduated early. Our band dissolved when we lost our guitarist and a few months later she said she wanted to go back to Israel to see her sisters and spend time there. We talked on skype a lot, on the phone, etc. In April when she was suppose to return she told me her dad wanted her to stay tell August and if she left now she could only come back a month. I said stay and do as your father wishes. We still talked a ton, all the time; she said I love you, etc. Well by the end of June she was still like I have been faithful, I love you etc. In July she started talking to me less and less and finally July 28th she changed our face book status to single. I had just gotten my passport and was going to spend 2-3 months there and be leaving here in August. I called and got no answer and messaged her over face book, what’s going on-to which she responded Its over and then didn’t reply to my next message for a week and simply said I just don’t want you anymore. I thought that was pretty cold and I was pissed and a week passed, I finally messaged her again. She said sorry I have met someone else and I don’t love you anymore, we are dating and in a relationship. If you want to come here, do so but I am not going to be with u-if you cant respect that then don’t come. That pretty much sealed the deal-I am not going to go sleep on a couch while she dates some guy. The crappy thing was I even took her dog when she left, I sold a ton of her stuff and sent her 1800$ from the stuff I sold.

    Of course it leads to a ton of questions, one of which is her Dad who lived her was moving over there to a few months ago and literally gave me most of the band stuff like PA’s , some amps and some other stuff which I have sold for $600 and I have the PA speakers still......I am not sure if I have the right to keep this-I told my Dad I was just going to send it to them and he said she dumped you , don’t send her money it looks like pity.

    I guess I just feel kind of crappy about all of it and mainly I feel bad for her. One she gave me something she can’t take back,and she told me that girls who are with more then 1 guy are nasty. I also feel she is jumping into a relationship right away to heal the pain of us, I can’t see that working well as relationships are set to fail from the beginning and then you add that baggage. She only has a high school diploma and her dad is the one paying for everything there. She has 2 older sisters , 24 and 20 that still live at home as they cant even get good jobs, I know she was smart enough to get a really good degree here-I guess I just need to stop caring about her as its apparent she did about me.

    I had my days of grieving and now I am rather blank about all this; I am just trying to focus on the life here and forget about the one I almost had there.
  2. Relic

    Relic Cow are you?

    Sep 12, 2006
    Robbinsville, NJ
    Don't feel bad for her at all dude, she made her decisions for herself. Move on. Keep the $600.

    Stop thinking about the "could have beens", that's like self-torture - knock that sh off. Go out and get some tail now. NOW.
  3. Sorry dude, but it hurts and it happens.

    You were both young, maybe moved too quickly into engagement.

    She may have the potential to do well, but you need to have a personality to persue that potential. If someone else is doing alll the pushing, then they just end up relying on them as a crutch.

    Time heals, casually catch up with some new girls, play some music, drink some beers.

    Heartbreak is part of the experience of life. Embrace it. Learn from it. Let it temper you into a stronger man.
  4. Yeah i am working on that,I was doing a pretty important internship this summer-thus why I didnt go over there sooner.Obviously that leads to alot of what if's.

    But I am indeed working on it. Today is the best I have felt in 3 weeks.
  5. Yeah I had another relationship go south prior to this-again I think it has to due with age, maturity and really just metting people I think are "the one" but realizing they dont put nearly as much as I do into a relationship.
  6. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, it'll get better.
  7. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Apr 12, 2001
    Olympia, WA
    Do you feel better writing all that out?

  8. do some bath salts and eat her face.
  9. I wouldn't worry about age too much dude. I did worry about the same when I was 23, after coming out of a 4 year relationship.

    It is just a case of crunching through and then someone appears when you least expect it (in my experience). Don't expect the perfect future and just take things as they come. Too much future planning in a relationship, particularly a young one, is setting it up for a failure (IMO).
  10. Relic

    Relic Cow are you?

    Sep 12, 2006
    Robbinsville, NJ
    ^mohawk speaketh the truth. It's good advice.
  11. Sounds like she was too young to enter into a relationship like that. A long distance relationship is hard, especially for younger people as their whole lives are still in front of them. It also sounds like she had some religious baggage hanging over her head with the whole "We're married in God's eyes" statement and was probably feeling compelled to be with you by the standards of her religion.

    It's a hard place to be in. However, you're young, have your whole life in front of you, and now have some real-life heartbreak to harden you up a little so you can use as experience for your next relationship. It hurts now but in time, it'll be something to look back at and be glad that it didn't work out, especially when you do find your one and only.
  12. EricF

    EricF Habitual User

    Sep 26, 2005
    Pasadena, CA
    Now is the time of your life to try on LOTS of different shoes until you find the size and style that suits you best. Once you have that figured out, then start looking for the exact shoes you want to wear for the rest of your life. Sometimes, shoes fit nicely when they're new, but after wearing them for a while, they start to hurt your feet. You want shoes that will be comfortable over the long haul, and can endure a long walk down the bumpy road of life. It might take a long time to find the perfect shoes, but it will be worth it.

    Go out. Try some new shoes.
  13. I think at one point she did feel we were to be married , but then yes her beliefs and how she handles religion was just way to out there for me. Her father was really what stood between us, as the guy is honestly insane and almost built a cult up with his family. Left his wife had a few kids with another person, then went back to her-apparently he use to tell people he was a prophet.

    And you are right, it is a life experience. This is my second major failed relationship-this one was the longest , but I learned from each one. People do change.

    Yeah I agree. I think we both failed to realize that eventually she would be back there and we didnt have the tools to make it really work once that happened.

    I do, just to see others perspectives on it.
  14. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Apr 12, 2001
    Olympia, WA
    Good deal. Glad we could help out brutha. Keep on keepin' on.

    If it were me, I'd return the money and items given to me by the father unless he said to keep it.

  15. rr5025


    Nov 12, 2008
    I would not waste your time rationalizing what she was thinking or what she's turned down. Simple fact of the matter is she is a fool (and as others have said perhaps childish although that's most likely due to her age), she didn't treat you with respect and you shouldn't worry about giving her yours.

    Keep the 600. Buy yourself something nice. IIRC you're a beer lover and no stranger to green, and being that you're on TB you most certainly have some GAS. So take that 600 and treat yourself, buy something you've always wanted or something you enjoy consuming (beer, meal ect). I'm not saying go and get ****ed up but just have a relaxing you evening.

    Then once you're ready listen to the advice Maki will no doubt drop in here in a few hours!
  16. Yogi Bear

    Yogi Bear

    Aug 14, 2000
    Given what you have written, contrasting religous beliefs and apparentlly some serious daddy is a whack job issues, consider yourself lucky - better now than after any papers had been signed and you were "legally" married. Trust me on this one...

    Consider it a learning experience, albeit a painful one, something to learn from none-the-less. Just go out and have fun, don't have any expectations and it will happen on it's own... And when you do find the right one you'll know.
  17. Yeah I have heard so many people in my family say I dont get what she was thinking as I do treat or did treat her with 100%respect. Most have said the childish thing as well, which has really become apparent. She acts like she is super mature and most people think so , but not me anymore.

    Her dad is a Looney; he drags his family all over the place. They loose and gain friends all the time, he let random soldiers sleep in his house and literally use his other daughters, his oldest daughter was a meth head when she was 14 and he talks about visions and crap all the time and at the end of the day she is servant to his every wish-I had hoped she would have realized his craziness and stayed here but apparently not. When you say I dodged a bullet, I already feel I have-at the same time I was heart broken, I was also relieved.

    I guess the kicker is she is “100% dedicated to getting famous and will sleep on the streets if need be, yet she thinks America has no opportunities and she can get super famous in Israel”.
  18. EricF

    EricF Habitual User

    Sep 26, 2005
    Pasadena, CA
    I suspect you are WAY better off now.

    Just curious, what was her intended path for getting famous? Does she have a special talent (not that a talent is required these days)? To me, it sounds like youthful delusion.
  19. Relic

    Relic Cow are you?

    Sep 12, 2006
    Robbinsville, NJ
    You know, after reading what you wrote about her dad...man I think she did you a big unintentional favor. Not that it's a sure thing, but I've seen "teh krazy" run in families more than once...just sayin.
  20. I think a lot of guys have been through similar stuff when they were young. I know I did. I speak from experience when I say you'll get over it, and when you're in your late 50s like me you'll think about it and smile, and you'll be astonished at all the time and events that have passed by since then. You'll be fine. ;)

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