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A guide to be the perfect bassist.

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by Felken, Oct 27, 2016.

  1. Felken


    Jun 28, 2016
    Ottawa, CAN
    Here is your guide to being the most perfect, tolerable, non-interventionist and traditional bassist you can possibly be. This is what a bassist SHOULD be.

    EVERY bassist MUST:

    1. Own a Passive Fender STANDARD American Precision Bass, 3-tone sunburst with tort pickguard (because there aren't already enough bassists with that exact bass) and ONLY 4 strings, no more, no less. NO EXCEPTIONS.

    2. Use ONLY the index finger and middle finger, alternatively. No flamenco or pick.

    3. You may ONLY play Jazz. Any genre that isn't Jazz is for bassists who cannot play.

    4. Your tone may not be bright. Bass should be at max, and tone at 0%. If we hear the bass, it is because your tone is too bright, and you are incompetent.

    5. Roundwounds or Halfrounds will NOT be tolerated. Flatwounds only, as to minimize how much we hear you.

    6. No solos, fills or any complex playing of any kind. You must play the same chords over and over again.

    7. You may only use sheet music, and MUST know music theory. Tabs are a disgrace, and are therefore prohibited.

    8. No pedals. No effects.

    9. Your left hand must look like this:
    Screen Shot 2016-10-27 at 4.34.35 PM.png
    and not like this:
    Screen Shot 2016-10-27 at 4.41.34 PM.png

    Follow these rules to be the best bassist ever. This will guarantee that you never become famous, as bassists are not supposed to be famous.

    You know what? I don't feel like conforming to this ****! I want a bright sound, and I prefer Jazz basses! Also, I HATE sunburst and tort, especially when they are together. I wanna ROCK!
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 28, 2016
    alexgeddy and PsyDocHill like this.
  2. dbase

    dbase Gold Supporting Member

    Jan 3, 2008
    South Jersey, USA..
    I'm already famous then .. I try to stand in the back out of sight, I don't smile or move with the groove. I look bored when I play and I don't hang at the bar and women don't talk to me .. I use half wounds, a Jazz bass or if I'm playing at a nice venue, I use a Ric. I like to play loud. Yes, I am famous big time. Give me a number. Oh, and I'm bald too ;) ;) Observe:
    Oddly, Nunovsky, S-Bigbottom and 3 others like this.
  3. BurnOut

    BurnOut It's The Billy Baloney Show

    Feb 1, 2015
    The Natti
    When was your profile picture taken, cause you look so different now, Good Job on getting famous
    PsyDocHill and dbase like this.
  4. Atshen


    Mar 13, 2003
    Grim Cold Québec
    I'm halfway there! :woot: :meh:
    dbase likes this.
  5. Atshen


    Mar 13, 2003
    Grim Cold Québec
    The part about jazz doesn't make sense.
    InhumanResource, JRA and dbase like this.
  6. Felken


    Jun 28, 2016
    Ottawa, CAN
    My father (Tubist at heart but also plays bass) does not recognize talent in rock musicians. He's a Jazz elitist, and trust me, there are a lot of bassists who believe Jazz is the only "intelligent" genre of music, besides classical.
  7. twinjet

    twinjet Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Sep 23, 2008
    1) I sold my only American Fender P bass.
    2) I love flamenco style, pick is good.
    3) Jazz is 95% of what I play.
    4) Mud ain't cool.
    5) I use roundcores only.
    6) I solo, occasionally.
    7) I read sheet music, know music theory and don't use tabs.
    8) Pedals aren't in my lineup.
    9) My fingers look like

    I don't satisfy many requirements. I may be a certified hack bassist.
    PsyDocHill, dbase and S-Bigbottom like this.
  8. Atshen


    Mar 13, 2003
    Grim Cold Québec
    What I meant is that you rarely see P-basses in jazz. And the part about solos, it seems there's a bass solo in every other jazz song.

    But I know it's all in good fun. Pardon me, I was drunk last night. :)
  9. The soles of your shoes never came up for air.
    Well done. :thumbsup:
    dbase likes this.
  10. Bob Clayton

    Bob Clayton My P doesn’t have flats or tort Staff Member Supporting Member

    Aug 14, 2001
    Philly Suburbs
    2 and 9 contradict each other.
  11. lermgalieu

    lermgalieu Supporting Member

    Apr 27, 2000
    Mill Valley, CA
    I can't believe I am defending the OP, but no they don't. They are discussing different hands.
    PsyDocHill likes this.
  12. wraub


    Apr 9, 2004
    ennui, az
    1. I will use what ever a song requires to get the right sound, including, but not limited to, coins, pencils, string, tape, a fist, and, once, a mic stand for a slide. Sometimes, the song doesn't even need a bass part. I am also skilled on tambourine and cowbell.

    2.I own a Jazz bass, but I prefer my Precision. However, it is not 3ts, and doesn't even have a pickguard.

    3.If I preferred my Jazz bass, I might play jazz. I mean, I have played jazz tunes, just not on my Jazz bass.

    4. My P bass has a .022 cap, and the tone knob has many positions. Me and bright are like me and bass, we go together like peanut butter and peanut butter.

    5. My Jazz bass has flats...

    6. I will solo if the song calls for it. I do play all kinds of chords, though.

    7. I can read, slowly, and I know enough theory to know what goes where, and why. No tabs though, for they are often wrong, and I do not like to play wrong notes. Unless I'm playing jazz.

    8. Hah!

    9. My hands, on my bass, will do whatever they want, and often do. I'm just along for the ride...
    PsyDocHill and NortyFiner like this.
  13. lermgalieu

    lermgalieu Supporting Member

    Apr 27, 2000
    Mill Valley, CA
    I realize this is done in humor, but a couple of points: (a) I have that P bass exactly, with flats, but I have literally never had any thought or made any comment that it is the only or best way to go (which would be silly considering I also own active basses with roundwounds); and (b) "brightness" has almost nothing to do with cutting through a mix. P basses are notorious for being able to simultaneously sit well in a mix AND cut, btw. I don't believe it worth my time to respond to any of the other items.
    bobyoung53 and Joedog like this.
  14. jcerio

    jcerio Supporting Member

    Jul 27, 2006
    Syracuse, NY
    Wow. Some of you are wound a little tight! I thought the OP was very humorous! Nice job!
    PsyDocHill and Felken like this.
  15. leonard


    Jul 31, 2001
  16. mikeyjm2

    mikeyjm2 Keepin' it simple.

    Dec 31, 2014
    Houston, TX
    My piano teacher as a yoot told me "Every Good Bassist Does Fine". Well that maybe wasn't exactly what she said. And she never said squat about tort either. Fat lotta good piano lessons did me. ;)
  17. NortyFiner

    NortyFiner Drunken Sailor Gold Supporting Member

    Mar 23, 2008
    Portsmouth VA USA
    1. I own an EBMM Big Al 4 SSS which can do everything that P can and more.
    2. I usually play two fingers or pick. Sometimes I use my ring finger on fast triples or gallops (think Iron Maiden) or my thumb. I don't slap.
    3. I mostly play older rock styles, though I did once commit the jazz sin of making up my own electric bass line to "Cantaloupe Island".
    4. My tone usually emphasizes the mids with a little shiny punch on top.
    5. EB Cobalt flats.
    6. I throw in fills, but otherwise seldom set foot outside the pocket. I don't do solos.
    7. I know enough theory for what I do. I use tabs and play from memory; I don't read music. I greatly admire performers like Leonard Bernstein and Glenn Gould, who could play large repetoires and complex pieces from memory.
    8. Hello, my name is NortyFiner, and I'm a pedal addict.
    9. My left hand usually looks like index finger on the root and a bar on the fifth and octave.
    PsyDocHill likes this.
  18. RichSnyder

    RichSnyder Gold Supporting Member Supporting Member

    Jun 19, 2003
    1. Show up with a seven string wonder bass.

    2. Tell the sound guy he doesn't know what he's doing.

    3. Bring a huge pedal board full of your favorite noise makers.

    4. Insist that what you're playing isn't too busy.

    5. When you don't get called back, post a thread on TB about how the l0s3r band doesn't know a good bassist and you're better off without them. Others will join in congratulating you.
    S-Bigbottom and twinjet like this.
  19. 39-Bassist


    Jul 7, 2010
    Endorsing Artist for: Brace Audio; Duncan Pickups; Line6, Hipshot, GHS Strings, Somnium Guitars
    Oh I thought for a moment you meant:

    Brian Wilson + Paul McCartney + Phil Lynott + Steve Harris + Jaco = "Perfect Bassist" (and songwriter)
    I guess that is a whole other subject...

    But either wise I pretty much agree on your statement...
    Felken likes this.
  20. Not Jazz. Jazz is quite complex unless it's Smooth Jazz. There's a reason why a lot of prog (metal, rock, death metal, etc.) happen to have Jazz backgrounds.

    I appreciate the humor but sadly this OP has failed.
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