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A letter to the Governor, could use a proof read please.

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by cassanova, Jun 27, 2003.


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  1. cassanova

    cassanova

    Sep 4, 2000
    Florida
    This is an issue I have with our states governor right now. I wanna do something about it and this is the only thing I can think of.

    My spell check only cought one word misspelled and i corrected it, but im still worried about grammer, punctuation, stuff like that.

    Id really appriciate if ya'll would give it a once over for me, and tell me what ya think of the letter as well. Im open for modifications to it.


    Governor Bush:

    I am a bit upset with your plans to veto the rail system that Florida voters decided upon back in 2000. Sir, the people of the state have made up there minds. We voted on this. Is it not your job to now do as the people of the state have said they wanted? After all that is the basis of a democracy.

    You have asked us what we want, we have spoken our voice through the vote. Now governor, it its your responsibility to provide the people with what they want. You work for the people and are here for us, we are not here for you're needs.

    Perhaps I would not be this upset if I were'nt to hear your only reason is cost factors. You, I, and the citizens of the state were well aware at the time of the vote that a project like this would be expensive and take a great deal of time. I feel it is now you're duty as governor of this state to listen to the people and provide us with what we want. A rail way like this will only benefit the state and help bring us more into modern times as I and many I know believe this state to be backwards in many respects.

    Thank you for you're time
     
  2. JMX

    JMX Vorsprung durch Technik

    Sep 4, 2000
    Cologne, Germany
    Governor Bush:

    I am a bit upset with your plans to veto the rail system that Florida voters decided upon back in 2000. Sir, the people of the state have made up there minds. We voted on this. Is it not your job to now do as the people of the state have said they wanted? After all that is the basis of a democracy.

    You have asked us what we want, we have spoken our voice through the vote. Now governor, it <B>is</b> your responsibility to provide the people with what they want. You work for the people and are here for us, we are not here for <b>your</b> needs.

    Perhaps I would not be this upset if I <b>weren't</B> to hear your only reason is cost factors. You, <b>me</b> [?], and the citizens of the state were well aware at the time of the vote that a project like this would be expensive and take a great deal of time. I feel it is now <b>your</b> duty as governor of this state to listen to the people and provide us with what we want. A <B>railway</b> like this will only benefit the state and help bring us more into modern times as I and many I know believe this state to be backwards in many respects.

    Thank you for <b>your</b> time
     
  3. 20db pad

    20db pad

    Feb 11, 2003
    I been everywhere, man...
    None. At all.
    Nipped, tucked, and corrected
     
  4. FretNoMore

    FretNoMore * Cooking with GAS *

    Jan 25, 2002
    The frozen north
    I am a bit upset with your plans to veto the rail system that Florida voters decided upon back in 2000. Sir, the people of the state have made up their minds. We voted on this. Is it not your job to now do as the people of the state have said they wanted? After all that is the basis of a democracy.

    You have asked us what we want, we have spoken our voice through the vote. Now governor, it <B>is</b> your responsibility to provide the people with what they want. You work for the people and are here for us, we are not here for <b>your</b> needs.

    Perhaps I would not be this upset if I <b>weren't</B> to hear your only reason is cost factors. You, <b>me</b> [?], and the citizens of the state were well aware at the time of the vote that a project like this would be expensive and take a great deal of time. I feel it is now <b>your</b> duty as governor of this state to listen to the people and provide us with what we want. A <B>railway</b> like this will only benefit the state and help bring us more into modern times as I and many I know believe this state to be backwards in many respects.

    Thank you for <b>your</b> time


    EDIT: Hrmphh. Too late again. :p
     
  5. JMX

    JMX Vorsprung durch Technik

    Sep 4, 2000
    Cologne, Germany
    I knew I missed something :oops: :p
     
  6. Wrong Robot

    Wrong Robot Guest

    Apr 8, 2002
    I'm not 100% sure about this myself, but I marked it anyway.
     
  7. cassanova

    cassanova

    Sep 4, 2000
    Florida
    whew golly, i used hotmails spell check on it and it only picked up one spelling error. I knew that there was more than that.

    Now Im paranoid that Im gonna be under the governments microscope for having an opinion about something.

    Thanks guys
     
  8. Wrong Robot

    Wrong Robot Guest

    Apr 8, 2002

    That's the problem with computer spell-checks, if you mis-spell a word, and in doing so spell another word, then it won't catch it.

    Likewise, if you confuse usage of "their" and "they're" it usually won't catch it, becuase both are spelled correctly.


    Although I don't know how much your letter will do(I've always been skeptical about sending letters)I applaud your efforts, and I hope you encourage any friends you have(that support you) to back you and send letters of their own.
     
  9. First of all, hooray for you! People don't realize how important it is to let their elected officials know what they think. I recently heard a former congressional aide say that a letter from a constituent to their representative is weighted a 700x, that is they figure for every letter they get there are 700 more constituents who feel the same way.

    Just a few ideas for you - take 'em or leave 'em.

    If you were just a bit upset you wouldn't bother to write a letter would you? Don't minimize your feelings, you detract from the impact of your letter. Just say "I am upset..."


    This is worded awkwardly. I suggest something like "I wouldn't be this upset if I hadn't learned that your only reason is the cost." Or, "My disappointment turned to anger when I learned that your only reason to veto the project is the cost."


    The correction is wrong. It should be "I" - you wouldn't say "Me was well aware..." it would be "I was well aware..." Again, it's kind of an awkward construction. Perhaps something like "The expense and duration of the project was made known to the citizens - yourself included - at the time the vote was held, and the measure passed [by a x% margin][overwhelmingly][with a comfortable margin]."


    The last paragraph is redundant with your second paragraph that states:
    You can re-work it to make it a specific example of the general principle you stated in your second paragraph and edit it to make it a little more forceful, a la

    -Mike
     
  10. JMX

    JMX Vorsprung durch Technik

    Sep 4, 2000
    Cologne, Germany
    Ok, I was going from "you and me", but it's been a while since I read a grammar book (German or English).
     
  11. JMX

    JMX Vorsprung durch Technik

    Sep 4, 2000
    Cologne, Germany
  12. Matthew Bryson

    Matthew Bryson Guest

    Jul 30, 2001
    My $.02 - I would maybe rephrase the first sentece...something a little stronger than "a bit upset" maybe: "as a voter I am outraged" - or "I am very upset". It seems to me that you are more than a bit upset and you do want to get his attention, right?
     
  13. permagrin

    permagrin

    May 1, 2003
    San Pedro, CA
    The replies thus far have scrubbed your letter pretty well with respect to the grammar. I'd like to offer some thoughts on the content and approach.

    For reference, being a Californian I have no knowledge of the subject rail system, let alone an opinion. Any bias I have would be anti-Bush for reasons that have nothing to do with the issue at hand.

    Your entire argument is embodied in the first paragraph where you ask a question and then answer it, but your argument is flawed. In our representative democracy, we elect officials to make decisions that are in the best interests of their constituencies. While I have no idea why this issue was on a ballot nor why the governor would have the power to veto it, apparently that is the case. The governor therefore has the right, the responsibility in fact, to make a decision that is best for the entire constituency, whatever the opinion of the majority. He would be right in stopping the railway if he determines that it would, say, bankrupt the state, denying folks of other services (again, I have no knowledge of the specifics, I'm just offering an example).

    This, too, is an idealized view of how things work. In reality, political decisions are made with several other factors taken into account: governing philosophy, how strongly voters feel about the issue, who stands to make money on the system (contractors, unions, etc.), whether this will hurt or help him and others to get elected or re-elected, compromising on this issue with political opponents in order to gain favor on other issues, and other stuff I can't even imagine. I'm jaded, my cynicism toward politicians that achieve higher office leads me to believe that the public good is near the bottom of the list....

    That said, I hate poo-pooing your letter. I in no way want to discourage you from voicing your opinion or working to achieve something that you, and apparently others in your state, feel strongly about. I encourage you to fire off letters not only to the governor but other elected officials that can affect the issue. Strategically, writing letters to newspapers and other publications would likely be a more effective path. Seek out like-minded groups and organizations that are working toward your goals. Educate yourself on their rationale and the arguments of their opponents. A letter from one citizen is great, but without a greater measure of public pressure the governor is not likely to change his opinion, or to even seek out alternatives or compromises.

    Excuse the novel, best of luck to you.
     
  14. BigBohn

    BigBohn

    Sep 29, 2001
    WPB, Florida
    Jeb can read? I thought he was just like his big brother W. Well maybe if you put your letter into pictures he might be able to understand it then.
     
  15. Brendan

    Brendan

    Jun 18, 2000
    Austin, TX
    I doubt anyone on the buisiness end of that letter'll catch it, beings that I have doubts on Jebs literacy (FCAT testing is my reason for this), but you mention the basis of democracy...we're a representative republic, actually.

    Just being persnickety, I guess.
     
  16. Nick Gann

    Nick Gann Talkbass' Tubist in Residence

    Mar 24, 2002
    Silver Spring, MD
    One idea you might want to persue is to set up a petition to submit with the letter. Even though he knows the fact everyone wants it, if you show him that many people are upset/angry about it, it might carry more weight.

    All of the grammar and spelling errors have been covered. This is just a thought I had, you might want to follow through with it :)

    Good luck, and I too applaud your efforts!
     
  17. cassanova

    cassanova

    Sep 4, 2000
    Florida
    He's gonna veto the thing anyways. I more or less just wanted to give the man a piece of my mind. I could get 2000 people and it wouldnt change his opinion. He's gonna do as he wants I have the Florida school systyms as proof of this.


    Im aware that they have to do what they feel is best for the people too and that we vote for them to do this. But when its a statewide vote and the majority of the state votes yes, then dammit they should honor it. Lord knows it went into effect rathar quickly when they did the no smoking in resteraunt vote. As well as didnt waste anytime takin more of our money when they passed the penny tax vote.

    When they gotta spend down here they renig!

    I never thought about writing to other elected officials either, thanks for pointin that out. Personaly I dont see why he'd change his mind either regardless of how many people are against him on this. Its his 2nd term and I dunno if he can run a 3rd term. If they're allowed to run 3 terms then I could see it affecting his decicion
     
  18. Matthew Bryson

    Matthew Bryson Guest

    Jul 30, 2001
    This reminds me a lot of the beautiful new Seahawks stadium that Washington state voted against, but the governer pushed it through anyway:rolleyes: ... honestly, as sick and apethetic as it sounds - this is why I don't even bother with voting.
     
  19. Gabe

    Gabe

    Jan 21, 2003
    I would put a comma after- After all. So it would read: After all, that is the basis of a democracy.

    I like the letter.
     
  20. Thor

    Thor Moderator Staff Member Gold Supporting Member

    I think you miss some impact, because the letter is too long.

    Take a cue from one of Florida's most famous writers, Ernest Hemingway. Shorter is better.

    However, witing a shorter letter to say the same thing more effectively is actually harder, not easier. But it has more power.

    That means each word, like a note, is chosen carefully for its nuance and color. A letter like that is a work of art, direct, powerful and
    to the point. And in your face.

    If you need help, I can help you Monday. Need to pull out a sink and faucet tomorrow.

    Don't forget, FLAGLER built and developed South Florida based on rail access, and that argument may have a place in your communication,
    historical precedent.

    With regard to the downside of expressing your opinion, it is the duty of a concerned citizen of a free society to participate constructively in the democratic process, and dissent when issues arise that need public discussion. And that is true in Florida, little Rhody, your town, my little town, the UK, Iceland and France and wherever people exist in freedom.


    Thor
     



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