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Advice needed: Seriously considering divorce

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Ironbar, Nov 26, 2017.

  1. Ironbar

    Ironbar Banned

    Aug 24, 2013
    Tigard, Oregon
    I ask this question here because with the exception of BassCliff, I've never met any of you in person, and this forum provides a modicum of anonymity.

    For reasons I won't dwell on, I'm seriously considering divorce from my spouse. It has absolutely nothing to do with another woman at all. I've just reached my near-breaking point and have decided that I may be better off without her than with her.

    She has stated before that she does not wish to go to counseling, however, I have thought about giving her an ultimatum along the lines of, she has until December 31st to select a marriage counselor of her choice, and if she doesn't, then after the new year I file for divorce.

    Is this reasonable or do I take another tack?
  2. If she's not willing to work on it, the time has come to end it.
    Tbone76, MordBass and Bob_Ross like this.
  3. buldog5151bass

    buldog5151bass Kibble, milkbones, and P Basses. And redheads.

    Oct 22, 2003
    Before you do that, sit down and talk with her, heart and head to heart and head. You say you think you want to leave, and she says she does not want to try counseling. What does she want? What do you want? Are there other factors (kids)? Have you actually done that? Two thoughts:

    1. A long time ago, I thought I wanted to move on. Counseling brought us together, and we are about to celebrate our 25th anniversary.
    2. If there is an agreement to move on, consider divorce mediation. If both sides are willing to do it, you can time and money, and have more of a say on how things are divided.

    Good luck.
  4. mrb327


    Mar 6, 2013
    Nobody Knows
    /\ this. Gone through a divorce. It sucks. Try to make amends first
    joebar, murphy and 10cc like this.
  5. GBBSbassist

    GBBSbassist I actually play more guitar... Supporting Member

    Nov 23, 2010
    Without knowing the reasons you want her to consider counseling, hard to give you a concrete answer. In my opinion, if one thinks marriage counseling is needed and the other doesn't, one person is completely oblivious to something, which is a problem in itself.

    Do you have kids together, and if so, what age? That would certainly complicate things a bit.
  6. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Apr 12, 2001
    Olympia, WA
    Make sure you're 110% ready to enforce your ultimatum if you go that route.
    I don't think that approach will work. To me, it sounds this way.....'you're broken, and if you don't do what I say to fix it, I'm outta here'.
    I'm not saying that's your attitude or thought process, just consider that possible reaction.

    LiquidMidnight likes this.
  7. Ironbar

    Ironbar Banned

    Aug 24, 2013
    Tigard, Oregon
    One child, 16 years old.

    Negative, she's not broken. WE, US, TOGETHER are broken. The onus is not 100% on her. Some elements are, but WE need fixing.
  8. buldog5151bass

    buldog5151bass Kibble, milkbones, and P Basses. And redheads.

    Oct 22, 2003
    So get the kid out of the house, brew up some coffee, and talk - and listen. As others have said, divorce is tough. It may be the right thing, it might not.
  9. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Apr 12, 2001
    Olympia, WA
    I get it, just be careful about ultimatums. They seldom engender a feeling of us/we.

  10. Felken


    Jun 28, 2016
    Ottawa, CAN
    Use divorce as a last resort. Try everything before divorce. Relationships have their rough patches and, with my limited knowledge of your marriage, maybe this is just a rough patch.
  11. Aberdumbie


    Jan 22, 2016
    South Carolina
    So sorry to hear this. And I offer this only if you are entirely sure there is no resolution..... Divorce, like marriage is a legal pact. Men tend to get wishy washy when it gets to that point. Don’t! Do not find a cheap attorney. Do some homework and find a bulldog that will protect your interests. Courts tend to favor women. You will need a tough guy standing up for you in front of a judge. It ain’t easy or pretty. But it is your life you are paying him to protect.
    duff beer, 47th Street and fhm555 like this.
  12. jmattbassplaya

    jmattbassplaya Looking for a gig around East Islip, NY!

    Jan 13, 2008
    What are the reasons? What's not working between the two of you, specifically?
    guy n. cognito likes this.
  13. two fingers

    two fingers Opinionated blowhard. But not mad about it. Gold Supporting Member

    Feb 7, 2005
    Eastern NC USA
    Try one "Hail Mary" pass first. It's a flip of the coin as to whether or not it will work. But either way you'll be glad you tried.

    Simply ask her to sit down (when the kid is not home). Tell her you want it to work and that you are williing to step outside your comfort zone and try some things. Tell her you are ready to burn bad things from your past. Point to a couple of places around the house that have memories for all of you...good memories..... Like the driveway where your kid learned to ride a bike or something. If you haven't been in your home very long, gather a few pictures of happier times and tell her you want to get back there only now.

    If it works, you may turn things around.

    If it doesn't, you can walk away knowing you played the game right up until the clock ran out and didn't give up until she made it abundantly clear she was done.

    Instead of throwing down the gauntlet, make her feel like there is no gauntlet. This isn't a competition. There are no points for being the most right.

    Drop your weapons and leave yourself exposed one last time. It may take a minute for her to put hers down. Give her that minute.

    None of what I described is easy. And it might not work.

    I wish you the best either way.
  14. BusyFingers


    Nov 26, 2016
    What, exactly, is the problem? What would you be hashing out with a counselor?
  15. oldrocker


    Feb 13, 2005
    Long Island, NY
    Do you typically give ultimatums?
  16. Ironbar

    Ironbar Banned

    Aug 24, 2013
    Tigard, Oregon
    Now that I thought about it, and saw you write it out, I think you're absolutely right. An ultimatum is not the way to handle it. However, I still need to broach the topic of counseling. I'm going to get some with or without her, but it would be a helluva lot less effective without her in the mix. I would really love to know what the hell is on her mind, especially if she thinks everything is OK when clearly it's not. And I know for a fact she knows we're not OK.
  17. Ironbar

    Ironbar Banned

    Aug 24, 2013
    Tigard, Oregon
    Nothing that I'm willing to talk about here. There's no infidelity or anything like that. We've grown apart over 20+ years and she's trying to pretend that everything is still OK while at the same time exhibiting behavior that is totally counter to what a marriage is supposed to be like.

    I know something's wrong when my desire is to be apart from her more than be with her.
  18. Indiana Mike

    Indiana Mike Supporting Member

    Nov 18, 2005
    Start going to counseling by yourself. Tell her she's welcome to join you anytime she wishes.

    Getting yourself some counseling could go a long ways, either in rebuilding, or the disassembling of the relationship.

    Don't give an ultimatum. Give an invitation. Go by yourself and see if she follows. If it doesn't work you'll know you did all you could.
  19. murphy


    May 5, 2004
    Toronto, Canada
    This is such a weighted question ...that random thoughts from all of us should not be your advice

    We do not have any information...history....and all will have something to say...that could cause more damage than good.

    I am very sorry you are feeling pushed to this point....You both must get supportive counselling

    and if you need discussion with others in this situation...you might try an online forum that could be more helpful
    LiquidMidnight likes this.
  20. Stumbo

    Stumbo Wherever you go, there you are. Supporting Member Commercial User

    Feb 11, 2008
    Song Surgeon slow downer. https://tinyurl.com/y5dcuqjg
    I suggest seeing a counselor on your own for a few months to work on your stuff before making any decisions. Get fresh eyes and ears on your situation.

    Whatever you decide it will help you in the future.

    Be congenial And stop pressuring your wife because it's not working.
    LiquidMidnight likes this.

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