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An outofmind experience

Discussion in 'Bass Humor [DB]' started by Matthew Tucker, Jun 6, 2005.

  1. Matthew Tucker

    Matthew Tucker Commercial User

    Aug 21, 2002
    Sydney, Australia
    Owner: Bresque Basses, Sydney Basses and Cellos
    Nothing to do with the bass - but this article by Dave Barry always gives me a chuckle.


    Great news, men!

    University researchers say the only reason you're getting so forgetful is that your brain is shrinking.

    Feel better now?

    I am feeling great, and I will tell you why. It's because of this article I read recently that said um ... it .. it said ...

    OK, wait just a minute while I get out this article.

    OK, here it is: according to this article, researchers at the University of Pennsylvania did a study showing that, as males‑ but NOT females ‑ get older, their brains shrink. Was I ever relieved to read that! I thought it was just me!

    Here's something I regularly is do: I'm walking through an airport and I see a news stand, and I think: "Hah! A news‑stand! I can get a newspaper there, and perhaps some magazines! I can read them on the aeroplane and use the information in them to write informed columns!"

    So I carefully. select some newspapers and magazines; then I put them on the counter; then I get out my wallet and pay for them; then I carefully put the receipt into my wallet so that I can deduct this purchase for tax purposes; then I go and get on the aeroplane.

    OK, here's a pop quiz: What will I discover when I get on the aeroplane? You older, shrinking‑brain males probably have no idea. You're saying to yourselves: "WHAT aeroplane?'

    But you female readers, and you younger males, know the answer: I will discover that I left my magazines and newspapers on the counter. I cannot tell you how many times I have done this. (Note to internal Revenue Service: The reason I still deduct these purchases on my tax return is that I am writing about them here.) I could save time if, when striding through the airport, I simply flung money in the general direction of the news stand.

    Here's another thing I do: I routinely go to the dry cleaners for the specific purpose of picking up my shirts, pay for my shirts, then attempt to walk out without my shirts. as though I were just visiting them.

    Also: Many times I am looking ALL OVER for my reading glasses ‑ looking, looking, looking, looking ‑ and then I walk past a mirror and notice that they are perched on my head. "Ha ha!" they gaily shout to me, their lenses twinkling. "You cretin!"

    Also: I have always been terrible at remembering people's names, but now I forget names INSTANTANEOUSLY, before they have gotten all the way through my ear canal. If somebody introduces himself to me at a social event it sounds as though he's saying: "Hi. I'm Blah."

    "I'm sorry," I'll say, "what was your name again?"

    "Blah!"' hell say..

    "Ah!" I'll say, smiling brightly while hoping that a meteor will crash into the building before I have to introduce him to someone else.

    Here's another symptom: I currently own four identical, unused tubes of toothpaste, because every time I'm in a chemist and walk past the toothpaste section, my brain. which by now must be about the size of a raisin, racks its tiny shrivelled self in an effort to remember if I have any toothpaste, and it can never come up with a definitive answer, so it always decides: Better safe than sorry!

    (The good news is, if, the price of tartar‑control toothpaste rises significantly, I will be a wealthy man.)

    Anyway, I was very relieved to find out this was not just my problem, but a problem afflicting the brains of males in general, although, as a frequent flier, I hope it doesn't extend to male aeroplane pilots ("Ladies and Gentlemen, we are approaching either Pittsburgh or Honolulu, so, at this time I'm going to push the button that either illuminates the fasten seatbelt signs or shuts off all the engines,').

    The University of Pennsylvania study (Note to older males: I am referring here to a study showing that, as males get older, their brains shrink) also showed that we older males tend to lose our sense of humour. This is definitely true in my case. I was just talking to my oldest friend, whose name is ... Excuse me while I look up his name ... OK, here it is: I was talking to my oldest friend, Joe DiGiacinto, and we were remarking on the fact that when we were teenage males roaming uncontrolled around New York, we thought that the most hilarious imaginable human activity was the wanton destruction of letterboxes, whereas we new both firmly believe that this should be a Federal crime punishable by death.

    So my overall point is that the brain‑shrinkage study makes me feel a lot better, because now I know that I'm not getting stupid alone; that billions of guys are getting stupid with me.

    Here's what I think: I think Older Male Brain Shrinkage (OMBS) should be recognised as a disability by the Federal Government. At the very least, we should have a law requiring everybody to wear a name tag ("HELLO! MY NAME IS BLAH"). Older males would be exempt from this requirement, because they wouldn't be able to find their tags.

    I have many other strong views on this subject, but I can't remember what they are ...

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