And THAT'S when the fight started....

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Barfly, Feb 10, 2009.


  1. Barfly

    Barfly

    Dec 27, 2000
    GTA, Canada
    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, 'What's on TV?'
    I said, 'Dust.'
    And then the fight started...
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
    I bought her a scale.
    And then the fight started...
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
    expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
    And then the fight started...
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
    Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
    verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
    home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
    and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
    revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
    enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
    Security office.
    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
    And then the fight started...
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
    staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we
    split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
    'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
    And then the fight started...
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
    Nah, she can order for herself."
    And then the fight started...
    ------------ --------- --------- ---

    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
    'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
    I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
    And then the fight started......
    ------------ --------- --------- ------

    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
    Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
    I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
    And then the fight started....
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

    My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not
    as much as the dress she wore yesterday

    and then the fight started......
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

    A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
    Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
    The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
    'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
    So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
    He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car
    as fast as he could go.
    A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at
    the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
    The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
    And then the fight started.....
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog,
    and slipped quietly into the garage.
    I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
    The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
    and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
    I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
    'The weather out there is terrible.'
    My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
    And then the fight started ...
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

    I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
    "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
    So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
    And that's when the fight started....
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

    My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
    "No," she answered.
    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    And that's when the fight started....
     
  2. Meh, I chuckled. :meh:
     
  3. Jared Lash

    Jared Lash Born under punches

    Aug 21, 2006
    Denver, CO
    Last week I was in a car accident.
    Traffic ahead came to an abrupt stop and I rear ended the car ahead of me.
    Out steps a man who couldn't have been taller than 5'1".
    As he strides toward me he says angrily, "I'm not happy."
    So I said, "Which one are you then? Sleepy? Doc?"
    And THAT'S when the fight started.
     
  4. crimson_basser

    crimson_basser

    Jul 9, 2008
    Montreal
    Endorsing Artist: Spector Basses
    im lol'ing
     
  5. MatticusMania

    MatticusMania LANA! HE REMEMBERS ME!

    Sep 10, 2008
    Pomona, SoCal
    this has been sent to me about 5 times in the last week...
     
  6. Valerus

    Valerus

    Aug 4, 2005
    Austin, Texas
    that was the best one :D
     
  7. Barfly

    Barfly

    Dec 27, 2000
    GTA, Canada
    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, 'What's on TV?'
    I said, 'Dust.'
    And then the fight started...

    LOL
     
  8. Jared Lash

    Jared Lash Born under punches

    Aug 21, 2006
    Denver, CO
    It's like deja vu.
     
  9. Jared Lash

    Jared Lash Born under punches

    Aug 21, 2006
    Denver, CO
    It's like deja vu.
     
  10. excane

    excane Inactive

    Aug 23, 2005
    New York, NY
    Please....someone tell me to hold back with the jokes....pretty please.
     
  11. These were hilarious.

    I thoroughly enjoyed them all.
     
  12. Joe Gress

    Joe Gress

    Dec 22, 2005
    Pueblo, CO
    Somethings wrong. There's a glitch! Run!
     
  13. Armueller2001

    Armueller2001

    Sep 19, 2006
    Dallas, TX
    lol. "They're in the walls!!"
     
  14. Commreman

    Commreman Faith, Family, Fitness, and Frets Supporting Member

    Feb 12, 2005
    New Jersey
    No Way!! Talkbass hereby orders you to cut loose now!!! :D
     
  15. Peer pressure peer pressure.
     
  16. excane

    excane Inactive

    Aug 23, 2005
    New York, NY
    *sigh* Mr. Turner would turn my ass inside out, I just can't :(
     
  17. MatticusMania

    MatticusMania LANA! HE REMEMBERS ME!

    Sep 10, 2008
    Pomona, SoCal
    :hyper: *I can hear your thoughts, and they make me lulz* :bassist:

    :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
     
  18. Primary

    Primary TB Assistant

    Here are some related products that TB members are talking about. Clicking on a product will take you to TB’s partner, Primary, where you can find links to TB discussions about these products.

     
    Jun 12, 2021

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