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Another Saturday Night...

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by esoxhntr, Jun 12, 2018.

  1. esoxhntr

    esoxhntr Supporting Member

    Jun 21, 2007
    Markham, Ontario
    I originally posted this in the Effects and Pedals forum, and a couple of folks suggested I might want to put it up over here as well. Normally my gigs are pretty sedate but last Saturday was a little different. Just try to picture this 5 alarm $h!t show...

    The cast...

    1. Recent ex-girlfriend of the guitar player from the afternoon jam band (like first set of our show recent)
    2. Mr. Enthusiasm
    3. Twirly Skirt Girl
    4. Refuge Couple
    5. Birthday Girl
    6. High-Five Guy
    7. Mr. Line Dance
    8. Packed dance floor

    So... middle of the first set, all systems are go. Crowd is into it, we're into it, things are going quite well. As I mentioned, the dance floor is full... very full. Imagine this all going down:

    Recent Ex Girlfriend (From now on Rex), has decided to like our drummer. Like a lot. She's a tall girl, pretty cute, likes to dance, but her size, her enthusiasm, and a few beers are working against her. Between bouts of yelling at her ex-boyfriend, "Rex" is shaking her booty for all she is worth at our drummer. Even funnier, our drummer doesn't notice, so she keeps trying harder. At the same time, about three feet away, Mr. Enthusiasm is going full bore - his routine is a combination of dancing (bad), shadow boxing, screaming background lyrics (I think), playing air harmonica (which we don't have), and yelling song requests. Meanwhile twirly skirt girl - she comes to our shows regularly, puts on a twirly skirt, drops her pants and then spins around the dance floor so that everyone can see her undies - is in full effect and seems to be just about everywhere at the same time. For those of you old enough to remember, think "Battling Tops". Refuge Couple has wisely decided to dance in the 4 square foot space between the jukebox and our right PA stand because they have discerned early in the game that it is the only place on the floor that is somewhat safe. I should mention that Rex, Mr. Enthusiasm, and Twirly Skirt Girl have a number of minor collisions with each other and other patrons. I find myself cheering for Rex.

    I'm going to skip Birthday Girl for the moment.

    High Five Guy is finding it necessary to high five his wife constantly. She gets tired of it and turns her back. High Five Guy decides to high five everyone else on the dance floor. His wife disappears soon after. She does not reappear. Mr. Line Dance has taken a number of ladies under his wing to teach them - you guessed it - how to line dance properly. This lasts for a good minute or two, until the aforementioned ladies realize that Mr. Line Dance is pulling this all out of his a$$ and hasn't a clue. They eventually turn their backs and ignore him. But, Mr. Line Dance and Mr. High Five now decide to high five each other for the rest of the song.

    Birthday Girl... is sitting right by the dance floor, to the right of the band. She is eating pizza. Now, Birthday Girl is cute - you would likely call her "plus size". She has an ample bosom and her clothing proudly accentuates it. She spills pizza dipping sauce on her cleavage. She then proceeds to remove it with a finger, and licks her finger, then returning it to her cleavage to retrieve more sauce. Pretty much every guy on the floor stops dancing - like stops dead - and all they can do is stare.

    This is the breaking point. Our singer/guitar player can't remember any lyrics anymore. He defaults to a two chord vamp, and starts shouting gibberish, like "Miles Davis" and "I really like your haircut". I am leaning face first on a conveniently placed support post, with tears streaming down my face. Our drummer - God bless our drummer - is oblivious to the whole scene and just keeps playing. He literally saw nothing, and commented on our break about how he thought the extended version of whatever the Hell song we were playing went over really well.

    But my pedals worked great all night...
  2. saltydude


    Aug 15, 2011
    boston CANADA
    That’s awesome. Lol. How the hell could you account for all of that?

    Pedals tho—-
  3. esoxhntr

    esoxhntr Supporting Member

    Jun 21, 2007
    Markham, Ontario
    There's no accounting for all of that... sometimes the planets just align...
  4. BassCliff


    May 17, 2012
    So. Cal.

    This is the best gig story I've heard in quite some time. Thanks for sharing. ;)

    Thank you for your indulgence ,

  5. bluesblaster


    Jan 2, 2008
    well that sounds entertaining.
    esoxhntr and dbase like this.
  6. That is too funny! I found myself laughing as I read it. If you only had pics or video, but i can picture the cast of characters clearly without. Thanks for sharing.
  7. DWBass

    DWBass The Funkfather

    Pics or it never happened!
  8. Old Blastard

    Old Blastard

    Aug 18, 2013
    Hmm, what pedals were you using?

    Seriously, I'm still staring at Birthday Girl in my mind, envisioning an accidental Cool Hand Luke scene.
    basspraiser, Ductapeman and dbase like this.
  9. dbase

    dbase Gold Supporting Member

    Jan 3, 2008
    South Jersey, USA..
    I began laughing when you said you posted it in the Effects and Pedals forum. I actually enjoyed reading that.. whether it really happened or not. Nicely worded;)
    McG, Sore Thumb and esoxhntr like this.
  10. dbase

    dbase Gold Supporting Member

    Jan 3, 2008
    South Jersey, USA..
    Of just the cleavage....
    Spidey2112 and Fretless1! like this.
  11. filmtex


    May 29, 2011
    That was great. I wish they could all be that interesting! Pics, c’mon. We need pics.....
  12. Next time remember the rules

    Pics or it didn't happen!
  13. esoxhntr

    esoxhntr Supporting Member

    Jun 21, 2007
    Markham, Ontario
    Pics? I was having a tremendous amount of trouble breathing, operating a camera on even a rudimentary basis would have been impossible. The cleavage would have been worth it, too...
    dbase, McG, kittywithabanjo and 3 others like this.
  14. esoxhntr

    esoxhntr Supporting Member

    Jun 21, 2007
    Markham, Ontario
    BassCliff likes this.
  15. Bravo! Vividly written; I was imagining the whole scene as I read it. Also, that was hilarious just to read!
    instrumentalist likes this.
  16. esoxhntr

    esoxhntr Supporting Member

    Jun 21, 2007
    Markham, Ontario
    Amazingly, that's what happened. Never seen anything like it before...
    basspraiser and dbase like this.
  17. dbase

    dbase Gold Supporting Member

    Jan 3, 2008
    South Jersey, USA..
    We all have stories.. some of mine I cant mention on this forum ;) We should start a thread on band stories and experiences.
    Sore Thumb and esoxhntr like this.
  18. Pmo


    May 28, 2017
    HAAA! Wow, I'm sitting at my desk in school proctoring a final exam. So far, this post has been the highlight of my day. Hilarious. Thanks :)
    basspraiser and esoxhntr like this.
  19. Oddly

    Oddly Unofficial TalkBass Cartographer! Supporting Member

    Jan 17, 2014
    Dublin, Ireland.
    One of the best gig reports I've ever read!:laugh:
    esoxhntr and McG like this.
  20. JRA

    JRA my words = opinion Supporting Member

    good job! and i'm glad the pedals worked for you --- :thumbsup:
    esoxhntr likes this.

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