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Anyone know some good kilt jokes?

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Bass Viking, Feb 28, 2008.


  1. I only know 2:

    #1
    Little old lady tourist speaking to Scotsman: Is anything worn under the kilt?

    Scotsman: No my dear, it's all in good working order.

    #2

    Little old lady tourist: What's under the kilt?

    Scotsman: Feel for yourself lass.

    Little old lady, feels under the kilt then yanks her hand away: Oh my God, it's gruesome!!

    Scotsman: Feel again dearie, it grew some more.



    Let's hear 'em if you got 'em!
     
  2. Ah kinna rrrrimemburr but th' poonch line, lad:
    I kinna say but looks like a've won furst prize.
    HOOT mon.
    :rolleyes:
     
  3. marcray

    marcray

    Nov 28, 2006
    Englishman in Oyster Bay, NY
    Aging Former Bass Player
    I can apply all my Paddy jokes to Sweaty jokes if you want... but none about kilts...
     
  4. Jared Lash

    Jared Lash Born under punches

    Aug 21, 2006
    Denver, CO
    The only one I know

    Tourist: So what do you wear under your kilt?
    Scotsman: Your wife's lipstick
     
  5. Why do the Scottish wear kilts?

    Because sheep can hear zippers from a mile away!
     
  6. ogrossman

    ogrossman

    May 20, 2006
    Minneapolis, MN
    Lassy: "Laddy, I can tell yeh be wantin' to be holdin' me hand."
    Laddy: "And how can yeh be tellin' that?"
    Lassy: "I can tell by the twinkle in yer eye..."
    (a while later)
    Lassy: "Laddy, I can tell yeh be wantin' to put yer arms around me."
    Laddy: "And how can yeh be tellin' that?"
    Lassy: "I can tell by the twinkle in yer eye..."
    (a little while later)
    Lassy: "Laddy, I can tell yeh be wantin' to be lovin' me."
    Laddy: "And how can ye be tellin' that, by the twinkle in me eye?"
    Lassy: "No Laddy, I can tell by the tilt in yer kilt."
     
  7. Rugaar

    Rugaar

    Apr 11, 2007
    wisconsin
    That'd be "The Scotsman" by Mike Cross. You can listen to it here.

    Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar on evening fair
    And one could tell by how we walked that he drunk more than his share
    He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet
    Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street
    Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
    He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street

    About that time two young and lovely girls just happend by
    And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
    See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built
    I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt
    Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
    I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt

    They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
    Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
    And there behold, for them to see, beneath his Scottish skirt
    Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth
    Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
    Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth

    They marveled for a moment, then one said we must be gone
    Let's leave a present for our friend, before we move along
    As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow
    Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show
    Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
    Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show

    Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards a tree
    Behind a bush, he lift his kilt and gawks at what he sees
    And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes.
    O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize
    Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
    O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize
     
  8. peterbright

    peterbright

    Jan 23, 2007
    On The Bayou
    First prize indeed.
     
  9. Spector_Ray

    Spector_Ray

    Aug 8, 2004
    Texas
    I've got one, but since this is a familiy forum, it may violate the TOS so I'll abstain.
     
  10. Bryan316

    Bryan316 Banned

    Dec 20, 2006
    Detroit
    That song is a classic. And it always gets a scream from the crowd at the end.

    OH MAN I'm ready for St. Paddy's!!!
     
  11. Toasted

    Toasted

    May 26, 2003
    Leeds, UK
    The one about needing a kilt that comes down to my ankles so it adesuately covers my "man parts".
     
  12. sarcastro83

    sarcastro83

    Jul 27, 2007
    Toronto, ON
    wait a minute... I thought that the kilt WAS the joke?

    kidding.

    "The kilt was oonly fir day-tah-day wear!!! In BATTLE... we wore a fool-length goown, COVERED IN SEQUINS!!! The idea was to blind your opponent with LUXURY!!!"

    - Groundskeeper Willie
     
  13. jwbassman

    jwbassman Supporting Member

    Aug 9, 2006
    [​IMG]

    Woman Tourist “What are you wearing under your kilt?”

    Scottish Man "How warm are your hands?"
     
  14. Ach lad, the John Holmes kilt!
     

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