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As an American

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by sandmangeck, Aug 5, 2012.

  1. sandmangeck


    Jul 2, 2007
    I really appreciate the way some outside cultures take care of their parents.

    Growing up I had alot of Russian friends. The grandparents lived with them, and the sons and daughters of the grandparents took take of them.

    It is somewhat of a stigma here. But I really appreciate it.

    My sister and I have set up a plan for my parents.

    I live in Colorado, and she lives in Georgia. For their retirement we've decided to invite them into our homes during different seasons. In Colorado they get late spring to early fall. Georgia for late fall to early spring.

    What are your thoughts?

    My sister and I have decided that nursing homes aren't the place for them later on in life.
  2. Good for you for having a plan.

    I agree that we don't seem to be very compassionate toward old people in our society. Asian families seem to honor and care for their parents & grandparents (or is that just a stereotype? I don't really know). We stick them in warehouses (nursing homes) and pretend they don't exist.

    Also, we seem to have a strange attitude toward death. We see it as something to be avoided at all costs, rather than as an inevitable, natural part of life.
  3. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Supporting Member

    Apr 12, 2001
    Olympia, WA
    Who will cover the costs of moving across country twice a year?

  4. Good on you! Your parents are fortunate to have such considerate kids.
  5. Mike, it's none of our business.
  6. Hopkins

    Hopkins Supporting Member Commercial User

    Nov 17, 2010
    Houston Tx
    Owner/Builder @Hopkins Guitars
    My Grandfather is probably not going to make it much longer. I asked my mom and my aunt what they plan on doing with my grandma when he dies, because she wont be able to live by herself. They didn't want to talk about it, and said they would figure it out when the time comes.

    I think its a damn good Idea to have a plan
  7. Session1969


    Dec 2, 2010
    That's awesome. That's the way it should be.
  8. As I once told my wife, "We're dying from the minute we're born. It'd just a matter of when".

    The women in her family, from young to old, have such a hard time grasping the fact that WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE EVENTUALLY. Won't talk about it, won't plan for it and most certainly won't accept it. My mother-in-law, who we live with and care for, has no will, no burial plot, no plans at all for for after her death. She says it's morbid to even think about it. :eyebrow:

    For those of you who are planning on caring for your parents in their "post-golden years", I hope you have it better than we do. I hope your parents are of sound mind and have their affairs in order. I hope they understand why it is you are taking care of them and that any siblings don't see it as trying to get a bigger piece of the pie. I hope that YOU are able to physically handle their needs should their bodies start to fail them. I hope that YOU can emotionally deal with seeing your beloved parents when they start to decline physically and mentally. I hope you understand that at some point it WILL be a full-time job. And that it's not something where you can simply change your mind.

    I've been on both sides of this. My Grandmother adopted me when I was 13 (my mother passed away) and I lived with her and was the lawnmower/grocery-getter/driver/etc for her until she suffered a massive stroke and died. Quick. Painless. Out before she hit the floor. Aside from her having wanted my name on the deed, all of her affairs were in order.

    My M-I-L has been abusing the fact that her kids are nearby (and in the case of my wife and her sister, under the same roof) for years now. She's in declining health and places the blame on everyone but herself. She has lost the use of her legs because she wouldn't call her doctor for an appointment, cancelled appointments if someone else made them, and then refused to put any effort into "therapy" when they came to see her. So now she lays in bed barking orders, bitching, complaining, pointing her crooked finger. She refuses to write a will because it's morbid and doesn't want any fighting. She has no plot. She holds ownership of the house over our heads like the master holding a treat over his dog's head, teasing it to get a show out of us. All she's doing is causing resentment and creating more aggravation for her kids to square away her estate after the fact.

    Sorry for the rant. I just wanted to provide some reality and ugly truth. I admire anyone that has it within them to want to care for their parents. I just hope you realize what you may be getting into.
  9. colcifer

    colcifer Esteemed Nitpicker Supporting Member

    Feb 10, 2010
    A Galaxy Far, Far Away
    I agree.
  10. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Supporting Member

    Apr 12, 2001
    Olympia, WA
    I posed the question as something to think about. I wasn't expecting a recap of the expenses and who would pay each.

  11. jmattbassplaya

    jmattbassplaya Looking for a gig around East Islip, NY!

    Jan 13, 2008
    It was a simple thought provoking question. Nothing more. Perhaps Ryan hadn't considered it in his plan. I know it can be easy to romanticize things at times and completely overlook the gritty details as to why something might not be such a good idea.
  12. yeah, i don't think Mike was out of line at all for posing the question, it IS something to think about.

    i am proud of you for taking care of your parents...or any one parent for that matter.

    my wife is Chinese and she was appalled at the way Americans treat their elder people...shoving them into nursing homes etc.

    she could not have loved my parents anymore if they had been her own...and my parents felt the same way.

    i am an only child and they loved me to death....BUT if my wife and i had ever had any serious fallings out (like the kind that lead to divorce eg) they would have kept her and thrown ME out...and i would not have blamed them for doing so.

    both my parents lived with us till the day they passed, and they both died peacefully at the family home, and that's the way we wanted it. the Chinese way.

    good on you for thinking of them and best of luck with whatever arrangements you work out.

  13. jarrydee


    Oct 22, 2011
    I would let her sit in that room and leave her by herself...I will always care for my grandparents and mom or dad, but I will not put up with this kind of attitude no matter how old, some old people think they have earned the right to treat people like crap..well I will not be one of them!
  14. Phalex

    Phalex Semper Gumby Supporting Member

    Oct 3, 2006
    G.R. MI
    My father is 93. I've come to the realization that at some point, a nursing home is the only option. We aren't there yet, but in another year? Another month? Who knows?
  15. jmattbassplaya

    jmattbassplaya Looking for a gig around East Islip, NY!

    Jan 13, 2008
    But I will say that it's interesting how quick many of you guys are wanting to jump on this train. I know many of my friends parents, as well as my own, don't want to move in with any of their children once they get to be about that age. Most of them say they just don't want to be a problem in their children's lives or to complicate things.
  16. hrodbert696

    hrodbert696 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    After my grandfather died, of a heart attack still in his fifties, my grandmother sold her house and rotated among the homes of her four children - my mom, two aunts, and an uncle. Three of the households were here in New Hampshire, my other aunt was in Kentucky, she would spend a few months with each and yes, there was a cross-country trip a couple times a year to get her back and forth from Kentucky. We just had a spare room in the house that was Grandma's room. She had arthritis and all but no really serious health problems for some 20 years until the last year or so when her heart gave out and she had a couple of strokes, which eventually she died from.

    My other grandmother had Alzheimer's and not so many children; my aunt had predeceased her due to breast cancer, my uncle was out in Seattle, which left only my Dad anywhere near in range to help Grampa care for her. She went into a nursing home and I don't realistically think there's anything else that could have been done.

    Bottom line: each situation is different and each family does what it has to do to take the best care possible of its loved ones. I do think it's best to try and care for family yourself, as long as you can realistically do it. But there is a time when a nursing home really is the best option and I wouldn't pass judgment on any family that found that to be the case.

    JmattP: sure, anyone will say they don't want to be a burden. Nobody wants to be a burden. No one wants to be selfish, kind of like how people will say they don't want a birthday party or whatever - but they really are touched when you give them a present anyway. When it comes down to it, most folks would rather be cared for by loved ones in a home than by strangers in an institution, regardless of whether they'd verbalize it out loud or not.
  17. pocketgroove


    Jun 28, 2010
    I have only one parent, my mom, to deal with (which makes me feel bad for my dad, even though he chose not to be part of my life - who will care for him?).

    It's a long time yet before I'll have to make a decision like that, but recent health problems have brought the problem to the front of my mind. My mom has some existing health issues and she won't give up smoking. On top of that, she is very stubborn and doesn't want to be an imposition to anyone, especially her kids. My plan would probably be to being her into my home, and she would probably battle that decision.

    Her vision now (uncorrected) is on the border of legal blindness, but it will be the fight of a century to make her give up driving when it's time.

    I've always sort of been the calm, centered, rational and responsible person in my family, so I have no doubt that I'll be taking the largest role when the time is here. For those of you who also have siblings, how do you decide?
  18. I'm sure sandmangeck has thought about it. I'll just rephrase my statement - it's none of MY business. Happy now? :eyebrow:
  19. Sorry, Mike, but to me your question came across as probing. My bad for not interpreting it correctly. It's really none of MY business.
  20. sandmangeck


    Jul 2, 2007
    Good question Mike!

    They won't be "moving" per se twice a year, back and forth.

    They will keep various things as both places.

    Both houses are furnished. So they really only need things they can fit in a car.

    It's still a bit aways, my dad is retiring this year. And my mom still has 5-7 togo.

    But it's always a good idea to plan ahead.

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