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At what point do you have to stop being in a band?

Discussion in 'Band Management [BG]' started by Essthreetee, Jan 15, 2012.


  1. Essthreetee

    Essthreetee

    Aug 19, 2007
    Visalia, CA
    So here is what's going on...and I guess I just need to get it out... I have been with this band for almost 5 years...and am now to the point where I am getting too busy to continue.

    When we started, it was fun/new/and life was simpler. My oldest was 6, youngest 4. My wife was just starting her business and wasn't very busy.

    But now...I am not only a HS teacher, but the Activities Director at the HS (all things from rallies/clubs to graduation are me)...I also coach 3 sports (one per season). My wife's business is CRAZY busy now, and my oldest just started basketball at her school (6th grade). Needless to say, we are busy (as are a lot of people).

    The question is, have any of you found yourself in this position? Where life is just not allowing for "Band Time"? or if there is time for the band, then there isn't time for other things...like wife and kids fun time. What was the straw that broke your back?

    Just looking for help, I am fairly certain of what I have to do...but am just wondering if I am going to regret giving this up? Or will I find it again, when it is time?

    Any insight? Thanks in advance....and if this is in the wrong place, mods could you please correct it.
     
  2. CannyBusDriver

    CannyBusDriver

    Jan 21, 2010
    Kansas
    it depends how much time the band is taking up. if it's under 4 hours a week you shouldn't quit. If you weren't in the band you would probably still practice bass which is also time away from your family and stuff, so whats the difference really?
     
  3. bluewine

    bluewine Banned

    Sep 4, 2008
    WI
    For those that make the decision to get married and have a family, then the consensus on TB (not me ) is family first.

    The only thing I can think of that would keep me out of "band life" would be when health issues as I get older prevent me from being able to gig.
     
  4. Marko 1

    Marko 1

    Mar 9, 2009
    N.E. Ohio
    Many aren't in bands because of other life obligations, and they manage just fine.

    I suspect it'll leave a void in your heart for a little while until it's not an issue anymore.

    Then later, maybe many years from now and at a more appropriate time, a situation will present itself, and you'll be able to enjoy it again.
     
  5. RustyAxe

    RustyAxe

    Jul 8, 2008
    Connecticut
    I spent 20 years playing guitar in my "man cave" ... while I pursued a career, raised three kids to adulthood, and took care of all my fatherly and husbandly duties (with pleasure).

    Retired at 55, and now have time to pursue my first love. If it's your love, too, you'll never really quit, rather, you'll just come back to it when you're able. And really, it's better the second time around ... :bassist:
     
  6. f64

    f64

    Oct 31, 2009
    Like many of us you have a vocation, an avocation and a family to raise. I've always looked at it that I'll have to work for about 40 years, my kids will grow up in 20 years but I'll have my hobbies for life. Don't miss being in your kids lives right now. They need you and will be more influenced by you than anyone else. If you're having troubles making this decision just listen to Harry ChapinsÂ’ "Cats in the Cradle".
    I stopped playing and the sky didn't fall. I'm glad I made the decision I did - so is my family. Time passes too quickly. The kids are grown now -the two youngest are in college. I'll have to say work was happy also and showed their appreciation by pushing me further and further up the corporate ladder. Today I'm back in a working group with paying gigs. I wouldn't have done it any other way.
     
  7. SteveC

    SteveC Moderator Staff Member

    Nov 12, 2004
    North Dakota
    I just played my last gig NYE. I have a 5 and 2 year old. While I was managing just fine, but the other guys in the bands were a little more committed than I wanted to be.

    I'm still playing in church and doing fill in gigs, but my regular gigging for now is over.

    There will always be gigs. My daughter won't lay in bed with me and tell me she loves me more than 1,0000"hearts forever.

    It's a personal decision. No one can tell you what's right for you.
     
  8. scottbass

    scottbass Bass lines like a big, funky giant

    Jul 13, 2004
    Southern MN
    I played in bands from age 14 to age 30. Then we started having babies, so I quit playing in bands. I switched my musical activities to family-oriented stuff: playing and singing in church and teaching music enrichment programs in my kids' elementary classes. I also did all the other typical involved dad stuff: coaching little league, leading scout troops, helping with my kids' homework and music lessons, etc. I started playing in bands again when our youngest started high school, which was when I was 48.

    By the way, being involved in my kids' music education was very gratifying. All three are now adults and are still musicians. My youngest is in the business as partner in a recording studio and plays in his own band.
     
  9. Does sound like you may need a step back... this is a great time to work on vocals and planning out your dream band.

    I had some good advice (when I stepped back) to get a piano... and just keep the ear going periodically.
     
  10. I would give up the coaching before i gave up the band. you said it yourself: activities director + 3 sports................dang! even with out the band it seems like this would eat up all your time. you must LOVE kids. it seems to me the band is the only thing that gives you "adult time" away from kids..........but thats just me.
     
  11. I came out of being fulltime in 1988 at age 27 and entered the corporate world. Kept playing serious part-time for a while, but my wife started studying during the week and working weekends. We had four kids. I tried to keep things going but ended up getting fired from a band because child-minding issues made me unreliable. By that stage it had all become too much like hard work, and I let things go.

    From time to time I'd get the itch to play, so I'd join various garage bands which was all I could manage, but it was always really unsatisfying and frustrating because I had the outlook I had learned while gigging regularly, and garage bands are full of people who didn't take it as seriously as I wanted. That plus playing at my church, where there are a couple of good players, but mostly people who were even less serious. Not fair on me, and I'd get upset that people weren't taking it as seriously as I wanted to, which was not fair on the others I was playing with.

    In 2008 I realised I had had enough. My kids were adults, my house was paid off, and I had no good reason not to do things a bit more seriously. I bought a double bass and began taking lessons, then in 2009 started applying for different bands and working my way back up the music food chain. In 2010 I was gigging regularly. In 2011 I was getting as much work as I wanted at reasonable rates of pay, and 2012 will be the year I move towards the musical styles that interest me most and more regular recording work.

    I doubt I will ever be in a position to go full time again, though at 50 the thought of being retired part time and a musician part time starts to look attractive :)

    Hope I didn't bang on too much, but if you are going to consider stopping it's worth remembering that you can start again later.
     
  12. With your schedule you'd be reasonable for a worship type gig... some practice right before playing.
     
  13. IncX

    IncX

    Jul 23, 2007
    Philippines
    for some reason i think a lot of you guys are lucky, because in my part of the world, i am considering quitting being in a band because i am currently not in one, nor can i find one
     
  14. Essthreetee

    Essthreetee

    Aug 19, 2007
    Visalia, CA
    Yeah, I know what I have to do...I am just a little hesitant, I guess, because before I got into this band I would have NEVER believed that I would be IN a band.
    I wasn't playing/learning bass to be in a band...but rather because I wanted to.

    I am yet to miss my kids stuff because of the band...but I am not willing to either. They are my world (and my wife) and there is no way I am going to miss it.
    I guess I have had my small run at it...maybe I will get another some day, but until that happens I am gonna keep practicing and learning (in my house) that way I am ready when/if that presents itself.

    Thanks for the words of support and input. I will continue on TB as well...probably with new and different types of questions...
     
  15. Sounds like it may be time to take a break from the band thing while other things in your life evolve. The Band thing can come around when things allow time for it.
     

  16. This was exactly my situation. Gave it away when I was 22, after being fulltime professional. Got back in at age 39 or thereabouts, been playing since and I'm now 64. Did 3 gigs last weekend and have two this coming weekend. I'm enjoying it more than ever!
     
  17. bassbully

    bassbully Endorsed by The PHALEX CORN BASS..mmm...corn!

    Sep 7, 2006
    Blimp City USA
    I understand where you are at for sure. It's like my old saying "Life get's in the way" You have to do what is right for you. I will be 50 in two weeks and have a 7 year old daughter and a wife, no music is getting in the way of my time with them. Family is first since playing in a band is my outlet and not my job. If I had to leave music so what! I left another activity I was in for family once before, I will survive and that time is too precious.

    My father passed away unexpectedly 4 days after this Christmas it was a huge loss my family and I are trying to deal with. One thing I can be proud of about my father and will always remember was he took the time for his family and did all he could with me when I was growing up. I don't want my daughter to say someday my Daddy was gone every weekend playing music in some bar.
     
  18. Jarrett

    Jarrett

    Jan 19, 2004
    Waxahachie, Tx
    This. I played in bands until my daughter was three, then quit and only played at home and in occasional jams at that point, while I focused on raising her and my career. My plan was to kick it back up in 2013 when she graduated high school and went to college, but in the meantime around 2005, I found worship gigs. Playing every Sunday morning with your whole family in attendance. It's a very cool thing.

    Now that my daughter is 17 and really embracing the whole independence thing, I've started playing with secular bands again as well. Now I've got gigs every week, usually multiple, both secular and worship. Worked out great.
     
  19. SteveC

    SteveC Moderator Staff Member

    Nov 12, 2004
    North Dakota
    It's tough, but if it's the right decision, you'll know it and feel comfortable right away, I did.

    I haven't missed anything yet, either. But I can see the writing on the wall.

    There will always be another gig. I plan to play in church, keep practicing, try to learn something new, etc.
     
  20. Essthreetee

    Essthreetee

    Aug 19, 2007
    Visalia, CA
    This is the clencher...thanks!! That was the phrase I guess I heard in the back of my head, but couldn't understand.

    Yup.

    Talked to my wife about it last night...she doesn't want me to quit (she is supportive) but at the same time, understands that we (Our marriage) will be better off spending the time together instead of me playing somewhere without her.

    Have band practice TONIGHT, and I guess we all are gonna have to have some sort of conversation. I anticipate them coming back with taking a break or something...we shall see.
     

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