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Awright Mister, pull over...

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by notduane, Dec 26, 2000.


  1. notduane

    notduane

    Nov 24, 2000
    Location
    BASS PLAYER OFFENSES

    NAME OF OFFENDER: ___________________________
    INFRACTION DATE: ____________________________

    MUSICAL OFFENSES FINES:
    [ ] Playing loudly during warm up $10
    [ ] Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
    [ ] Loud cursing after mistake $10
    [ ] Playing high and fast after mistake $20
    [ ] Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
    [ ] Asking for "E" tuning note $25
    [ ] Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50
    [ ] Playing written-out walking line $50
    [ ] Failure to play written walking line $75
    [ ] Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
    [ ] Writing beat numbers under dotted figures $50
    [ ] Playing eighth notes $5 each
    [ ] Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
    [ ] Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
    [ ] Dragging fast tempo $75
    [ ] Dragging ballad tempo $100
    [ ] Blacking out during ballad $200
    [ ] Ignoring drummer's tempo $100
    [ ] Following drummer's tempo $250
    [ ] Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000

    UPRIGHT PLAYERS
    [ ] Showing up before first downbeat $25
    [ ] Playing audibly $25
    [ ] Faking changes $25
    [ ] Slapping $150
    [ ] Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25
    [ ] Excessive sweating $25
    [ ] Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50
    [ ] Asking leader for a solo $30
    [ ] Accepting solo when offered $50
    [ ] Taking second chorus $100
    [ ] Playing solo arco $400
    [ ] Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100
    [ ] Playing "A Train" ending on every tune $200
    [ ] Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune $500

    ELECTRIC PLAYERS
    [ ] Checking hair between tunes $15
    [ ] Experimenting with odd meters $25
    [ ] Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
    [ ] Playing with a pick $50
    [ ] Tuning during ballad $30
    [ ] Playing Jaco groove on samba $75
    [ ] Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150
    [ ] Attempting last word on final chord $50
    [ ] Achieving last word on final chord $100
    [ ] Long gliss down to final note $200

    EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC
    [ ] Forgetting strap $10
    [ ] Changing strings after every set $15
    [ ] Using electric tuner $15
    [ ] Setting up mic "just in case" $75
    [ ] Forgetting to turn amp on $40
    [ ] Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
    [ ] Asking horn player for help moving amp $25
    [ ] Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
    [ ] Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
    [ ] Skull decals on bass $150
    [ ] Bringing fretless bass $500

    CRIMINAL BAD TASTE
    [ ] Telling bone player about all the gigs you get $10
    [ ] Asking bone player about their day gig $10
    [ ] Sitting behind drums on break $10
    [ ] Quoting "Birdland" $25
    [ ] Practicing scales during break $25
    [ ] Practicing scales during drum solo $50
    [ ] Practicing $150
    [ ] Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." $50
    [ ] Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" $10

    BASIC STUPIDITY
    [ ] Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
    [ ] Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
    [ ] Asking when the rock set starts $20
    [ ] Continually asking "where are we?" $25
    [ ] Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25
    [ ] Asking bone player where "1" is $50
    [ ] Taking cellphone call during 4's $100
     
  2. lump

    lump

    Jan 17, 2000
    St. Neots, UK
    notduane,

    I've been looking for that! I saw it in the TBL archives once and could never find it again. Thanks for posting it. I must owe a grand in eighth notes alone. Thank God I don't play fretless. :)

    By the way, isn't FIX (the band) going to be playing at the palindrome soon? :D

    [Edited by lump on 12-26-2000 at 05:42 AM]
     
  3. notduane

    notduane

    Nov 24, 2000
    Location
    De nada, dude. I was lookin' to change my signature since Xmas is now over.
    I entered "musician jokes" at http://www.dogpile.com hopin' to find a good one-liner.
    I found this ticket form at, uh, "another" bass site :eek: ( http://www.activebass.com ).
    I thought y'all would enjoy it.
    HAY! Wait a dang minute! I play fretless! :D:p;)
    This was my favorite...
    [ ] Dragging fast tempo $75
    [ ] Dragging ballad tempo $100
    [ ] Blacking out during ballad $200
    :rolleyes:
     
  4. embellisher

    embellisher Holy Ghost filled Bass Player Staff Member Supporting Member

     
  5. Gard

    Gard Commercial User

    Mar 31, 2000
    Greensboro, NC, USA
    General Manager, Roscoe Guitars
    ...I'm declaring bankruptcy!!!! I just added up my fines, and it's $3830 :eek: :rolleyes: I DEMAND A RECOUNT!!!! :D

    ....I wonder how JT'd come out on the fines, 'specially the custom made multi string fretless ones ;)
     
  6. john turner

    john turner You don't want to do that. Trust me. Staff Member Administrator

    Mar 14, 2000
    atlanta ga
    well, let's just find out, shall we? :D

     
  7. Munjibunga

    Munjibunga Total Hyper-Elite Member Gold Supporting Member

    May 6, 2000
    San Diego (when not at Groom Lake)
    Independent Contractor to Bass San Diego
    So what's wrong with a long gliss into the last note?
     
  8. Brendan

    Brendan

    Jun 18, 2000
    Austin, TX
    Dang...that's alotta money...crap! I'm not yet violating the Fretless, and Custom bass above four, but I'm working on both...Heck, I even violated some upright, and I don't play it but once or twice a year!

    [Edited by Brendan on 12-27-2000 at 05:46 PM]
     
  9. ONYX

    ONYX

    Apr 14, 2000
    Michigan
    $1945.00

    Do you guys take Visa ??
     
  10. Boplicity

    Boplicity Supporting Member

    Will you accept old bass equipment in lieu of cash?

    Oh, what is the penalty for starting a song in the wrong key?

    Jason Oldsted
     
  11. embellisher

    embellisher Holy Ghost filled Bass Player Staff Member Supporting Member

    :eek:

    I hate it when that happens!
     
  12. furtim

    furtim

    Dec 12, 1999
    Boston, MA, USA
    BASS PLAYER OFFENSES

    NAME OF OFFENDER: furtim
    INFRACTION DATE: multiple

    MUSICAL OFFENSES FINES:
    [X ] Playing loudly during warm up $10
    - Loud = warmed. :)
    [ ] Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25 - Not this one, thank God!
    [X ] Loud cursing after mistake $10 - This one doesn't say "per offence", so I'm gonna assume / pray that it's a one-time fee...
    [X ] Playing high and fast after mistake $20 - Helps to hide the mistake. ;)
    [X ] Playing written-out walking line $50 - Sorry.
    [X ] Failure to play written walking line $75 - If you had let me improvise it, I would have at least played what I meant to!
    [X ] Playing eighth notes $5 each
    [X ] Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
    [X ] Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
    - DAMN!
    [X ] Dragging fast tempo $75 - What if I'm just correcting the drummer, though?
    [X ] Dragging ballad tempo $100 - See next mark.
    [X ] Blacking out during ballad $200 - This is why I always try to load up on caffeine before playing... and even that's not always enough.
    [X ] Ignoring drummer's tempo $100 - Is this still an infraction is he's wrong?
    [X ] Following drummer's tempo $250 - What if he's right? :(
    [X ] Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000 - Jeeze, so I'm no good at memorising!

    UPRIGHT PLAYERS
    [X ] Playing audibly $25
    [X ] Faking changes $25
    - What if I'm faking a written line? I'll just file that under this one...
    [X ] Excessive sweating $25 - Hell, I do that on the BG, too!
    [X ] Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100 - I'm not wrong... THE SYSTEM IS WRONG!

    ELECTRIC PLAYERS
    [X ] Checking hair between tunes $15
    - But it has to look its best!
    [X ] Tuning during ballad $30 - Those whole measure root notes really give you alot of time for such things...
    [X ] Attempting last word on final chord $50 - Call me narcissistic!
    [X ] Achieving last word on final chord $100 - Call me persistent!
    [X ] Long gliss down to final note $200 - Haven't before, but now I think I have to...

    EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC
    [X ] Using electric tuner $15
    - You use the tools you get, eh?
    [ ] Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
    [X ] Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass

    - If these last two are cumulative (i.e., extra strings on extra basses are also counted), it seems that JT will be financing our national debt...
    [X ] Bringing fretless bass $500 - I plan to violate this one (and the previous) soon.

    CRIMINAL BAD TASTE
    [X ] Sitting behind drums on break $10
    [X ] Practicing scales during break $25
    - Gotta do it some time...
    [X ] Practicing scales during drum solo $50 - So why not do it when noone will notice?
    [X ] Practicing $150 - Sorry. :(

    BASIC STUPIDITY
    [X ] Continually asking "where are we?" $25
    - Hey, I wanna know!
    [X ] Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25 - But only because I can't roar too well. ;)
     
  13. furtim

    furtim

    Dec 12, 1999
    Boston, MA, USA
    I owe $3360. And that's not even counting the eigth and sixteenth notes!
     
  14. Furtim,

    ROFLMAO PIP - changed 'em - PIP again!

    :):):)
     

  15. oh man.. i can't even (or wanna) do the math
     
  16. FretNoMore

    FretNoMore * Cooking with GAS *

    Jan 25, 2002
    The frozen north
    Not as much as our singer hated me when I did it! Should have been C, I started in G. The rest of the guys looked bewildered but quickly adjusted. Oh, she tried very hard to sing anyway going both up and down octaves, but we had to stop the song after one verse. She's still whispering "the right key now!" every time we do that song... :D
     
  17. Total: $3035. :eek:
     
  18. Matt Till

    Matt Till

    Jun 1, 2002
    Edinboro, PA
    NAME OF OFFENDER: Stupid Matt
    INFRACTION DATE: All the time

    MUSICAL OFFENSES FINES:
    [X] Playing loudly during warm up $10
    [X] Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
    [ ] Loud cursing after mistake $10
    [X] Playing high and fast after mistake $20
    [X] Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
    [X] Asking for "E" tuning note $25
    [ ] Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50
    [ ] Playing written-out walking line $50
    [X] Failure to play written walking line $75
    [ ] Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
    [ ] Writing beat numbers under dotted figures $50
    [X] Playing eighth notes $5 each
    [X] Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
    [X] Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
    [ ] Dragging fast tempo $75
    [ ] Dragging ballad tempo $100
    [X] Blacking out during ballad $200
    [ ] Ignoring drummer's tempo $100
    [X] Following drummer's tempo $250
    [ ] Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000

    ELECTRIC PLAYERS
    [X] Checking hair between tunes $15
    [X] Experimenting with odd meters $25
    [X] Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
    [X] Playing with a pick $50
    [ ] Tuning during ballad $30
    [ ] Playing Jaco groove on samba $75
    [ ] Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150
    [X] Attempting last word on final chord $50
    [X] Achieving last word on final chord $100
    [X] Long gliss down to final note $200

    EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC
    [ ] Forgetting strap $10
    [ ] Changing strings after every set $15
    [X] Using electric tuner $15
    [ ] Setting up mic "just in case" $75
    [ ] Forgetting to turn amp on $40
    [ ] Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
    [ ] Asking horn player for help moving amp $25
    [ ] Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
    [ ] Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
    [X] Skull decals on bass $150
    [ ] Bringing fretless bass $500

    CRIMINAL BAD TASTE
    [ ] Telling bone player about all the gigs you get $10
    [ ] Asking bone player about their day gig $10
    [ ] Sitting behind drums on break $10
    [ ] Quoting "Birdland" $25
    [X] Practicing scales during break $25
    [ ] Practicing scales during drum solo $50
    [X] Practicing $150
    [ ] Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." $50
    [ ] Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" $10

    BASIC STUPIDITY
    [ ] Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
    [ ] Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
    [ ] Asking when the rock set starts $20
    [ ] Continually asking "where are we?" $25
    [X] Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25
    [ ] Asking bone player where "1" is $50
    [ ] Taking cellphone call during 4's $100



    Ouch, that cost me.
     
  19. Justin V

    Justin V

    Dec 27, 2000
    Alameda, CA