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Band - and possibly marriage - breaking up over Covid

Discussion in 'Band Management [BG]' started by Blue Dragon, Jun 6, 2020.

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  1. Blue Dragon

    Blue Dragon

    Jan 4, 2016
    Not really anything to be done about this, I'm just wanting to vent a little. My band has been practicing in Lead guitarist's basement for about a year and a half. Last month he said we'd be good to get back together first Tue in June. Few days before then he texts us that his wife won't allow it despite assurances of distancing and mask wearing. Disappointed for sure, but hey, it's her house too. I understand. But I went to his house to pick up my amp as other members were offering their places to practice, so Just in case. Then he sends a text that we're definitely practicing next Tue 'come hell or high water'.

    Then today I get a text that he's leaving the band, wants us to all pick up our stuff. Isn't interested in practicing elsewhere. Also that him and wifey aren't talking.

    He's probably overreacting, but the bottom line is we've def. lost a place to practice, probably lost our lead guitar, and I don't want to think how strained their relationship must be. We are all 60, lead is 65, so it's really hard to blame it on the wife when she certainly thinks she's protecting his life.

    Like I say, no real solution. Just a sad day. There are worse things than a band breaking up, but they were all good friends too. Who knows what time may bring, but for now at least I say goodbye to the Red Birds. (Course at our age a breakup was bound to happen one way or another eventually. At least we part all good friends which is probably the best way. )
  2. LBS-bass

    LBS-bass Supporting Member

    This is a question of respect. if one person in any of these relationships, be it the marriage or the band, is not comfortable with having people entering the living or rehearsal space during a pandemic, that needs to be respected. When there's a question or someone pushing their way through other people's boundaries, this sort of chaos is an expected result.

    Two telling things here are "hell or high water" and "wifey." If that's how he feels about his wife and his wife's wishes, she's probably doing the right thing by putting her foot down and getting him out of the picture.
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2020
    RSBBass, GregC, City and 46 others like this.
  3. buldog5151bass

    buldog5151bass Kibble, milkbones, and P Basses. And redheads.

    Oct 22, 2003
    I miss playing as much as anyone, but priorities and all.
  4. RoadRanger

    RoadRanger Supporting Member

    Feb 18, 2004
    NE CT
  5. Blue Dragon

    Blue Dragon

    Jan 4, 2016
    FWIW the "wifey" was from me. (The Hell or High Water part wasn't). JUST got a call from drummer and keys. They want to continue on in Key's basement. Yet to hear from rhythm guit/vocalist. It won't be the same without lead guitar (I'll be able to remove my hearing plugs for one!), but the vocalist can (and has) carried whole shows just on his own so if he's onboard this whole thread is a big... "nevermind - we lost lead guitar".
    dkelley and EatS1stBassist like this.
  6. Samatza


    Apr 15, 2019
    Yeah, stuff happens during these unprecedented times. We did our last gig in March, the discussion was to isolate for as long as it takes and then perhaps get together when it's safe to do so.

    We're still months away from any probably gigs but there is a rehearsal organised for the end of the month in our drummers basement. His family is comfortable with this but if they were not we definitely wouldn't do it. We've all been totally isolated for months so any issues are very unlikely.

    Everyone has a life outside of the band and no one can really tell what's going on in peoples lives. I suspect your guitarist has had a bit of overreaction and just wants to pull the plug, given time that might change. You have to respect his partners wishes. No matter how much we miss playing we need to be mindful of others feelings and wishes.
  7. rockdoc11


    Sep 2, 2000
    Nothing of substance to add here, other than I'm struck by the level of respect for bandmates that is evident in all these responses.

    Well done!
    mg1, kesslari, RumbleBot and 8 others like this.
  8. Aceman


    May 1, 2020
    Tampa Bay
    In the 60-65 year range...gotta assume we are in fact pushing the health issue. Are you guys gigging on any regular basis? If not - whatever, who cares.

    My band has just recently started rehearsing, but we are in Florida, and not Miami. In NY, Chicago, LA, etc...I get it.

    As for the wife thing? Hey - maybe she is a nut job germ-o-phobe and she would have him live the rest of his life in a plastic bubble. Or, perhaps he is a class A jerk with little regard for anything but himself. Perhaps some of both.

    MAn - I hope at that age I'm just doing solo/duo acoustic...
  9. two fingers

    two fingers Opinionated blowhard. But not mad about it. Gold Supporting Member

    Feb 7, 2005
    Eastern NC USA
    Yeah. I miss playing too. But friends and family are more important. Our guitar player was the last to agree to get together. We're finally doing so Thursday. But we weren't pressuring him. We just told him to let us know when he was ready. And we continued our goofball group texting as usual. When he gave the green light, we set up a date we could all work with. I can't wait to see them!

    Here's hoping your lead guy and his wife are fine. I hope you find a suitable replacement.
  10. TheReceder


    Jul 12, 2010
    Best thing to do, (IMO) leave as friends, thank him, and have him pass a thank you on to his better half. The fact that she was cool with the band being in her home when the covid wasn't an issue should be appreciated. I go out of my way to thank the spouse at our practice space as much as possible.

    You could slam her for possibly influencing him to hang it up, but you gain nothing. A thank you could have a positive result in the future.

    Things could change in the future and a reunion could be a possibility.
    RocknRay, mikecd1, pcake and 9 others like this.
  11. For me, family always comes first as well.
    GregC, Florinda4, Kro and 6 others like this.
  12. james condino

    james condino Spruce dork Supporting Member Commercial User

    Sep 30, 2007
    asheville, nc
    There are millions of people going through this same scenario right now; many much worse.

    Give them some space. You'll have no problem finding another lead guitar player who plays too loud.....
    City, RoadRanger, juancaminos and 8 others like this.
  13. Madhouse27


    Sep 19, 2016
    Sounds like the guy’s “wifey” might have said it’s me or the band. I’m sure she’s a real peach.
    Aceman, RoadRanger and IamGroot like this.
  14. vid1900


    Dec 12, 2019
    She has kept him alive this far; she can't be all bad.
  15. Yikes, that's bad and seems unnecessary. I'd say there was a pre-existing condition with the marriage.

    The absolute worst thing I see in the world today, is the insistence that if you believe something, it makes you right, and all others wrong. I'm not sure what we call this behavior. I think of colloquial terms like "intolerant", and "irreconcilable differences" but this behavior goes beyond that. It appears to me to be the opposite of critical thinking, where you consider if you are wrong, and then test if you are wrong till you aren't. In this case, we assume we are right, and test everyone for compliance. It seems immature and child-like, but I'm seeing it among adults, professionals, and even my peer scientist engineers. So, its not only accepted, but being modelled and adopted.

    I hope you guys ride this out, find another lead that enjoys making music, and by all means, figure out a practice arrangement that is both safe and compatible with families. Its very possible.
  16. bassstrangler


    Mar 2, 2015
    Wifey, SMH.

    Sounds like leady guitary doesn't want to move his gear.
  17. Unknown if she’s a “real peach”, but for sure she has common sense. Not allowing a bunch of dudes in your house during a pandemic,which has a disproportionate affect on older folks, when you are in your 60’s sounds like pretty sound logic to me. Especially for something as relatively unimportant as band practice.
  18. hopwheels


    Dec 11, 2015
    Atlanta, GA
    The term that comes to mind for me from what you describe is self-righteousness. Experiencing a lot of that lately unfortunately. Empathy and respect seem to be out the window.
  19. Rabidhamster


    Jan 15, 2014
    In 1918 the second wave of that pandemic had the highest fatalities. I don’t see any evidence that leads me to believe the virus is now gone or less dangerous or we have a better handle on treatment.
    More cases in the community Now vs at the beginning of lockdown means more opportunity for infection than before as well.

    So unfortunately I’m on “wifeys” side that band practice is off and her beloved husband isn’t allowed to go.

    I can’t make you go home but you can’t play here.
    GregC, DirtDog, smidgley and 10 others like this.
  20. I miss the guys, I miss playing but I'm in no rush to start band practice. The rest of the year is already effed up so why rush? I don't know about my bandmates lives but mine has drastically changed since this thing happened. I'm about to get screwed by my employer, people I thought were my friends literally disappeared from my life - like I have the plague or something. Anyways, it is what it is. In a way, in a split second during last march, I feel I was robbed of my life. I'm sure I ain't the only one feeling like that.

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