Band drama...I swear we’re not in junior high...

Discussion in 'Band Management [BG]' started by casualmadness, Aug 12, 2020.

  1. casualmadness

    casualmadness Man About Town Supporting Member

    Dec 15, 2005
    This is just a...”holy hell I can’t believe these people are adults” kind of a a thread. I’ll be brief...
    I’ve been playing in this band since last fall. I’ve noticed some small bouts of drama here and there from a few members. Little things really but things I noticed none the less. Well recently the drummer dropped out so we got together tonight to try out a new drummer.
    Two hours later, new drummer leaves and one of the two guitar players asked us all to hang back so we could all discuss the new drummer.
    Lead guitar: “ok so I would like to go around the room and just get everyone’s thoughts about the drummer...Hey singer, how about you start?”
    Singer: “ok well I thought”...(Blah blah blah)
    Lead guitar: “Ok great points...hey keyboard player do you wanna go next? What did you think of the drummer?”
    Keyboard player: “well I thought”...(blah blah blah) As he’s talking, rhythm Guitar player interrupts: “well I agree with keyboard player and further”...(blah blah blah)
    At this point, lead guitar interjects: “hey man hold on ok? I wanted to go one at a time so we all have a chance to get our thoughts out there.”
    Rhythm guitar player screaming now: “IS THIS A CONVERSATION?!?! CAN I NOT INTERJECT MY THOUGHTS?!?!?! DON’T YOU EVER (expletive expletive) INTERRUPT ME AGAIN!!!!” (BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!)
    As he’s literally screaming, I grabbed my bass and headed for the door. As I got to the door I said “too much drama for me. Go ahead and look for a new bass player.”

    That’s all...I’m far too old for this nonsense. If a room filled with adults (I’m the young one...these guys are 50’s and 60’s) can’t have a discussion without literally screaming, it ain’t the spot for me. As I said, this isn’t the first example of drama. It’s just the final and far most explosive.

    Sometimes I remember why I walked away from bands when I was a young guy. Those of you who have adults to work grateful. If you know where a bass player can find adults to work with, I would love some insider info.
  2. If there were hundred of thousands of dollars on the line, and a famous reputation to preserve, they should still not argue about who gets to speak first.
    But believe me, that has happened.

    That combination of players isn’t gonna work - so find some new band members.
    Super25Smasher, wmmj, dkelley and 6 others like this.
  3. Stumbo

    Stumbo Guest

    Feb 11, 2008
    IME, Maturity is not based on age.:thumbsup:
  4. friskinator

    friskinator Supporting Member

    Apr 5, 2007
    I've found that with some people, maturity actually lessens with age.
    EXCAV8, eyeballkid, wmmj and 18 others like this.
  5. JRA

    JRA my words = opinion Supporting Member

    Stumbo likes this.
  6. QORC


    Aug 22, 2003
    Elberon, New Jersey
    i have to agree with you on this. for older guys doing this as a hobby, sounds like more trouble than it's worth. this is supposed to be F-U-N!!
  7. QORC


    Aug 22, 2003
    Elberon, New Jersey
    as was said in a movie from about 30 years ago, "People don't mature anymore. They stay [email protected] all their lives."
    wmmj, Spectrum, Stumbo and 2 others like this.
  8. casualmadness

    casualmadness Man About Town Supporting Member

    Dec 15, 2005
    I gotta first I thought he was joking around when he started screaming. I thought we were all having fun. I was having fun. I even laughed and said "You can't talk yet, you don't have the talking stick!" then I laughed. But I guess they all knew him better than me because no one else laughed. As rhythm guitar was screaming, lead guitar was responding with "Fine! I'm out! I'm outta here! I'll just leave...etc." He was saying that while being screamed at while I walked out. What a expletive show...

    The screamer sent me an email later last night and apologized. My thought was "Why apologize to me? You didn't scream at me. You should apologize to the lead guitar then to all of us."
    He mentioned things that "needed" to be said. He then said "I hope you won't leave over a minor family squabble." But I didn't respond. This is supposed to be fun and hopefully can put a little cash in our pockets. We all have day jobs and we all do well-hell two of the guys have retired and started second careers. But still, it's always fun to make some cash. But a super explosive temper like that...I have no desire to be around that.
    JMacBass65, Mr_Moo, Spectrum and 15 others like this.
  9. Jeff Hughes

    Jeff Hughes

    May 3, 2020
    Power plays and mini-tyrants. SMH
    Mr_Moo, Sixgunn and sing-modulator like this.
  10. Aceman


    May 1, 2020
    Tampa Bay
    Old ≠ Mature
  11. DrThumpenstein

    DrThumpenstein Living for the groove Supporting Member

    Feb 8, 2015
    St Louis, MO
    Nice that the guy had the decency to apologize. Not sure if anybody else bolted, but your parting statement showed that you were (rightfully) offended, so good on him for making an apology. Of course, when he minimizes his role by calling it a "family squabble", when in truth it was the dude just being a jack hole, you are wise to stay clear.

    I'd feel a lot better about an apology that included his acceptance of responsibility for that incident, perhaps explaining why he was over the edge, accompanied by a promise that he would never let it happen again. In that case, if your other musical goals we're being met by this band, the episode could be used as a starting point to improve communication and mutual respect. Unfortunately, this is not what you described.

    Good luck finding a new band! No secret Insider tips here. It can take a while to find a group of compatible musicians. Just keep looking and trying.
    JMacBass65, Mr_Moo, MarkA and 6 others like this.
  12. Helix

    Helix California U.S.A.

    May 29, 2015
    I probably would have waited for my turn and said

    "I like the drummer, but we should look for a new rhythm guitar player"
  13. TrevorR


    Oct 3, 2015
    Near London, UK
    Unbelievable! I'm just wondering whether you'll get a message from the rest of the band sometime soon saying, "Look, if you're interested in carrying on we can always look for a new drummer AND a new rhythm guitarist!"
    JMacBass65 likes this.
  14. two fingers

    two fingers Opinionated blowhard. But not mad about it. Gold Supporting Member

    Feb 7, 2005
    Eastern NC USA
    I wouldn't go back to the band either. BUT, take the high road with the screamer. Tell him "It's OK". Encourage him to find ways to reduce stress in his life. If they're older, they're in the heart attack window (along with a myriad of other health issues). Dude needs to find a way to relax.

    Don't expose yourself to all of that negativity. But don't ghost them and just not reposnd. You're asking them to be grownups. The guy in the mirror should be a grownup as well. Move on. But do in a grownup fashion.
  15. And I

    And I

    Feb 19, 2009
    Witchtown, MA
    Ain't got no time for drama llamas
    MustangWally likes this.
  16. You don’t apologize over email.
    At the very least its a phone call but truly sincere apologies are in person.
    DaveDeVille and moreblues like this.
  17. Bajo Clarkko

    Bajo Clarkko

    Aug 9, 2015
    They can make all the promises they want, but if it’s happened once, rest assured, it will happen again.

    And there’s a fair chance that it’ll be over something smaller or less significant.
    Consider yourself fortunate to be a former member of the band.
  18. yodedude2

    yodedude2 Supporting Member

    Nov 19, 2005
    san antonio, texas
    right. this is his normal. explode, apologize, rinse, repeat. and he (edit: the r.g.) is asking the o.p. to accept and adopt this normal.
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2020
    Spectrum, dkelley, lomo and 1 other person like this.
  19. Troy Eggen

    Troy Eggen

    Feb 13, 2019

    Hmmm. I didn’t say that, but whatever. I guess I must have inferred op to be a punching bag with no spine. Silly me
  20. 40Hz

    40Hz Supporting Member

    Once you’ve declared you’ve quit and walked out, silence is the best response unless you want to leave the door open. And I get the feeling it’s gone beyond that for you. Anything further (as evidenced by the email you received) is just an invitation to continue with the drama.
    JMacBass65, Frontporch, lomo and 4 others like this.
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