Bass player jokes

Discussion in 'Bassists [BG]' started by thedeester, Feb 25, 2011.

  1. thedeester

    thedeester Guest

    Apr 27, 2009
    We can laugh at ourselves can't we?;)

    What's the difference between a bass and an onion?
    Nobody cries when you chop up a bass.

    How do you reduce wind-drag on a bassist's car?
    Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof

    What do you throw a drowning bass player?
    His Amp.

    How many Pop bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. The keyboard player does it with his left hand.

    What are the three most difficult years in a bass player's life?
    Second grade.

    Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
    A: A Bass Player.
    murphy, Bennobi1, CaribooBass and 6 others like this.
  2. WallBass

    WallBass Guest

    Feb 24, 2011
    Why don't bass players tell blonde jokes?
    They don't understand them.

    What do you call a beautiful woman on a bassist's arm?
    A tattoo.

    What do a bass and a lawsuit have in common?
    Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

    That's all I got!
    murphy, Bennobi1, CaribooBass and 4 others like this.
  3. ugly_bassplayer


    Jan 21, 2009
    What's the difference between a Jazz bassist & a large Pizza??

    The pizza can feed a family of 4 .
    murphy, Bennobi1, CaribooBass and 2 others like this.
  4. AcidFripp

    AcidFripp Guest

    Jul 12, 2010
    How many blues bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    None, they're all too poor to afford the replacement.

    The worlds greatest Jazz bassist and the worlds greatest Blues bassist meet for lunch. Who pays the tab ?
    Neither, they don't charge for the food at the soup kitchen.

    Bandleader, to auditioning bass player: Tell me about your best gig.
    Bass player: They clapped so hard, they almost broke their handcuffs.

    What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a bassist?
    The vacuum cleaner has to be plugged in to suck.

    How many bassists does it take to pave a driveway?
    Seven, but you have to slice them thin and lay them out correctly.
    murphy, Bennobi1, CaribooBass and 4 others like this.
  5. shawshank72


    Mar 22, 2009
    What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a bassist?
    The vacuum cleaner has to be plugged in to suck.

    This is gold. +1
  6. thats awesome!! :bassist:

    Well being both a guitar and bass player I always found this one funny . . .

    The difference between a guitar and bass player?

    A guitar player gets students and a bass player gets gigs! :D
    murphy, CaribooBass, Kendra and 4 others like this.
  7. Rugaar


    Apr 11, 2007
    A boy came home from his first bass lesson. His dad asked him how it went. "Today we learned the E string."

    The boy came home from his second lesson and dad asked him how it went. "Today we learned the A string."

    The boy came home from his third lesson. Dad asked, "So did you learn the D string today?"

    "Nope. Today I had a gig."
    murphy, J-Mags, dtripoli and 10 others like this.
  8. What does a bass player use as a contraceptive? His personality!

    Why can't bass players get through a door? He either can't find the key, or he doesn't know when to come in!
  9. Captain Morgan

    Captain Morgan Guest

    Feb 25, 2011
    What do you call the bass players girl friend?
    The guitar players wife!
    basscraze, murphy, rickwebb and 6 others like this.
  10. KeithPas


    May 16, 2000
    Lady passing tip jar at gig last night actually asked me if I wanted to tip the band and that is no joke!!!
    murphy, BassKees, J-Mags and 6 others like this.
  11. SactoBass

    SactoBass A retired civil engineer who likes all-tube amps!

    Jul 8, 2009
    Lake Havasu City, AZ
    LMFAO! That was too good!!!

    (A guy once told me that truth is always funnier than fiction).
    CaribooBass likes this.
  12. Rush-2112


    Dec 14, 2008
    New York City


    And I think I should post this one over at the DB forum:

    There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time.

    A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time.

    Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while."

    After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?"

    :bag: lol
    alesreaper9 and Ductapeman like this.
  13. superdick2112

    superdick2112 Mile High Bassist

    Nov 20, 2010
    The Centennial State
    How can you tell when the stage is perfectly level? Drool comes out both sides of the bass player's mouth.

    What do you call a bass player in a 3-piece suit? The Defendant.

    What do you call a bass player with a job? The pizza delivery boy.

    What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend? Homeless.

    How do you get a bass player to turn down? Put sheet music in front of him.
    murphy, Bennobi1, Pulverizor and 3 others like this.
  14. monkeyking


    Feb 6, 2009
    Great stuff!!

    How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

    1 - 5, 1 - 5, 1- 5...
  15. JTE

    JTE Gold Supporting Member

    Mar 12, 2008
    Central Illinois, USA
    The guitarist hears screaming and yelling, runs into the rehearsal room and finds the bass player and the drummer fighting. He calms them down enough to find out what's going on and the bass player says "He turned one of my tuning machines and made the bass out of tune!!"

    The guitarist asks "Well, why don't you just retune it?"

    The bassist replies "He won't tell me which one!!!!"

    A more general musician joke... What's the difference between a mutual fund and a musician? The mutual fund will eventually mature and earn money.

    A little boy sees a live band, and is mesmerized by the feeling of the lows coming from the bass player. It's all he talks about for days, until he tells his parents "I want to grow up and become a bass player!!!!" His father says "Son, you'll have to make a choice, you can't do both."

    murphy, Kendra, Pulverizor and 3 others like this.
  16. thunesBARROW


    Apr 12, 2010
    New York
    Cold blooded! These jokes are great.
    murphy and Ductapeman like this.
  17. S. Katz

    S. Katz Guest

    Oct 24, 2008
    Los Angeles
    A man decides to go on a vacation on a Pacific island. When he steps off the plane, it is amazing: Cool, light ocean breeze, palms gently swaying in the wind, white sandy beaches, drums off in the distance. He goes to his hotel, checks in, starts having the time of his life.

    When he turns in on the first night, he can still hear drums off in the distance. They were charming at first, but now it's little annoying, and he has a hard time going to sleep. The next morning, he goes to concierge and asks about the drums. The concierge replies: "The drums, they never stop. Very, very bad if they stop."

    So the man goes about his day in paradise, having a great time, but the drums never stop. He tries to ignore them, but they interfere with his sleep the second night. The next morning, fuzzy-headed from too many island drinks and too little sleep, again asks the concierge if something can be done about the drums. He gets the same reply: "Drums not stop. Very bad if they do."

    The rest of the day is not fun. The drums are driving this man crazy, and he isn't getting any sleep. The next day he is ready leave. He packs his bags and goes up to the front desk to check out. But first the man finds the concierge to give the concierge a piece of his mind. Suddenly, the drums stop.

    He says to the concierge: "They finally stopped! Thank god, I can get some sleep. I was about the leave."

    The concierge says: "This is bad. Very, very bad. Flee from this island while you still can."


    "Drums stop. Bass solo next."
  18. Geddyfleaharris

    Geddyfleaharris Supporting Member

    Love that joke! lol

    Was going to post it until I saw it was already here.

    lol "Bass solo next" lol

    Ain't that the truth!
    Bennobi1 and Ductapeman like this.
  19. zon5string

    zon5string Supporting Member

    Aug 20, 2007
    San Diego, CA
    A couple was having marital difficulties and consulted a marriage counselor. After meeting with them, the counselor told them that their problems could all be traced to a lack of communication. "You two need to talk," he said. "So, I recommend that you go to a jazz club. Just wait until it's time for the bass player to solo. Then you'll be talking just like everyone else."
    J-Mags, GHOST AT and Ductapeman like this.
  20. the conductor stops the orchestra during rehearsal and says: Hey! You there in the bass section! You need to tune up! The bassists reply in unison: Is it that time of year already? :ninja: