Bassist Impersonator - long

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by no4mk1, Jul 31, 2003.

  1. no4mk1


    Feb 21, 2003
    Seattle, WA
    This is hilarious. It's from an advice column at


    Dear Cary,

    A dear friend of mine -- a very beautiful, volatile, fragile young
    woman who has had the worst imaginable luck with men -- finally met Mr.
    Right. "Mark" is handsome and smart and has a heart of gold, and he
    plays bass with the latest incarnation of a well-known rock band. All
    her tribe loves him dearly, and we were thrilled when he proposed and
    she accepted.

    Until one of her very good friends was approached at a party by a woman
    who said that she had been a good friend of Mark's and that everything
    he's claimed about himself is a lie. According to her, Mark does not
    play with the aforementioned band. His whole back story is made up; his
    family isn't what he says it is, he isn't from where he says he's from,
    and so on.

    Initially, we all assumed that she was a spurned woman bent on
    sabotage. Mark is such a dear, and he obviously loves his fiancée to
    pieces. None of us are at all gullible, either. However, folks have
    done some amateur sleuthing, and it is becoming disturbingly obvious
    that the informer may not be lying after all. We have Googled Mark and
    can find nothing on him anywhere; we've talked to people who know the
    woman, and they say that her credibility is impeccable.

    A number of us want to hire a private investigator. Unfortunately the
    only person who has the financial wherewithal to do this is the fiancée
    herself, who has been sequestered with Mark since the allegations came
    to light and is reluctant to call in the cavalry. She says it "feels
    dirty" and doesn't think it will accomplish anything. I say, and her
    other near and dear agree with me, that if she doesn't get the scoop on
    this guy ASAP she is entering a world of pain.

    But she is so in love, and was so relieved that she finally found
    someone who would actually be good to her (he is that -- awe-
    inspiringly so), that she really, really doesn't want to turn the rock
    over and let the crawlies run out. Also, we love Mark too, and it feels
    like this wonderful person may be taken from us as surely as if he'd
    died. If he is lying, I don't think it's malicious; he is probably
    truly mentally ill, not a bad human being at all, but sick.

    The pragmatic solution is obvious -- she should hire the P.I. But how
    in heaven's name should we approach this, with respect to convincing
    her that it's the right thing to do? Or should her friends and family
    just stand by and see what happens, and pick her up if she should fall?

    I am terrified for her. She has been through the wringer so many times,
    and I fear this could be the nail in the coffin.

    The Royal We

    Dear Royal We,

    Finding out if someone plays bass in a well-known rock band should not
    require the efforts of a licensed private investigator. It is rather
    more like determining whether someone actually plays shortstop for the
    San Francisco Giants. They have public rosters for these things.

    Well-known rock bands become well known by performing in public and by
    distributing video and audio recordings. To accomplish that, they work
    with record labels, publicists, and managers who represent them to the
    industry and to the public. They also have an informal network of
    roadies, technicians, fellow musicians, club bookers and fans who know
    their current whereabouts and lineup.

    Contact the band's representative -- the label, the publicist, the
    agent, the manager, whoever -- and ask for the current lineup. If you
    cannot for some reason contact the band, find a recent interview with
    the band and contact the music journalist whose name appears on the
    interview. If the fiancé's name does not come up, ask if he has any
    association with the band at all. If they've never heard of him,
    they'll tell you. Well-known rock bands do not want outsiders seducing
    innocent women in their name. They like to handle all the seducing of
    innocent women in-house.

    Don't allow an excess of caution to dissuade you from asking for him by
    name. They're not going to beat him up or anything. This is what they
    call "crazy ****" and it happens all the time. It's like bugs on the
    windshield. They won't give it a second thought. They've got younger
    things to do.

    These are elemental steps you can take without your friend's
    involvement. But your friend, in the normal course of being "alert x
    3," as the paramedics say, ought to be making certain observations,

    Any woman who has ever suffered from a boyfriend who is a musician
    could tell her what to look for: Aside from poverty, bad skin and a
    drug problem, he will have a bass. Is there a bass? Is it tuned? Is the
    case shiny metal and square or is it rounded and black? If he is the
    bass player in a well-known rock band, the case will be shiny metal and
    rectangular so it can be carried safely by shirtless men with mullets.
    There should also be large pieces of equipment in wheeled cases that
    have foam inside, as well as cords and miscellaneous little electronic

    If none of these items are present, ask him where his equipment is. If
    he says his equipment is at the studio, say, "Oh, yeah, I almost
    forgot, the studio called this afternoon while you were asleep. They
    had a fire and all your stuff burned up." Observe his reaction as he
    absorbs the information.

    If he is the bass player for a well-known rock band, there will also be
    frequent telephone calls from mildly unpleasant people insisting that
    he drop the hookah and discuss manners of conveyance to and from hotels
    and venues and airports at particular dates and times. Most of these
    times will be inconvenient to the circadian rhythms of diurnal mammals.
    When he answers the phone, if he appears happy to speak to the people
    who call, he is not the bass player for a well-known rock band. If he
    is the bass player, he will answer the phone as though he is just
    getting over malaria and is conserving energy for a crawl through the
    desert. That is how bass players for well-known rock bands conduct

    Besides that, for Christ's sake, there is the matter of backstage
    passes! If she does not have a backstage pass, he is probably bipolar.

    Confront her with the evidence. The fact that he's trying to marry her,
    and that she has some sort of financial wherewithal, makes it rather
    more serious than just idiotic boasting.

    Poor girl. What kind of a guy goes to all that trouble just to claim
    he's a bass player? It's like robbing a bank and only taking ten bucks.
  2. Is there a conclusion?
  3. hahaha, hilarious :).
  4. FunkyDom


    Aug 31, 2002

    That stings. :(
  5. Munjibunga

    Munjibunga Retired Member

    May 6, 2000
    San Diego (when not at Groom Lake)
    Independent Contractor to Bass San Diego
    Well, I disagree. Bass players are not nearly as famous as lead guitarists. So it's going to be a lot easier to convince an airhead like that chick that you're in a famous rock band by claiming to be their nameless bass player. The guy knows what he's doing.
  6. Brendan

    Brendan Supporting Member

    Jun 18, 2000
    Portland, OR
    Munji does have a point. Bass playing is largely anonymous, even more so than drumming or rhythm guitar. If one was going to con, a bass player would be a good bet.

    I'm interested in how this turns out.

    Of course, wouldn't it be strange if he really WAS the bassist for a big rock band?
  7. One Word...

    Geddy Lee


    Seriously,I'm interested too...I wonder how this turns out.

    If he is playing her...he should die.

    What you should do is goto G.C with him and ask him all about his whatever:meh:

  8. "Is there a bass? Is it tuned? Is the
    case shiny metal and square or is it rounded and black? If he is the
    bass player in a well-known rock band, the case will be shiny metal and
    rectangular so it can be carried safely by shirtless men with mullets.
    There should also be large pieces of equipment in wheeled cases that
    have foam inside, as well as cords and miscellaneous little electronic

    Yes. This is it. Absolutely!