Beginner's Guide to the Blues

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by reedo35, Oct 1, 2000.

    1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
    2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick
    something nasty in the next line, like " I got a good woman, with the
    meanest face in town."

    3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
    Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the
    meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh
    500 pound."

    4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
    ditch; ain't no way out.

    5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't
    travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
    transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an'
    state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a
    major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

    6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults
    sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the
    electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

    7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in
    Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago,
    St.Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You
    cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

    8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
    pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues.
    Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

    9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting
    is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

    10. Good places for the Blues:
    a. highway
    b. jailhouse
    c. empty bed
    d. bottom of a whiskey glass

    11. Bad places:
    a. Ashrams
    b. gallery openings
    c. Ivy League institutions
    d. golf courses

    11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
    happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

    12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
    a. you're older than dirt
    b. you're blind
    c. you shot a man in Memphis
    d. you can't be satisfied

    No, if:
    a. you have all your teeth
    b. you were once blind but now can see
    c. the man in Memphis lived.
    d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

    13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods
    cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a
    leg up on the blues.

    14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
    Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
    a. wine
    b. whiskey or bourbon
    c. muddy water
    d. black coffee

    The following are NOT Blues beverages:
    a. mixed drinks
    b. kosher wine
    c. Snapple
    d. sparkling water

    15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
    Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So
    is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down
    cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or
    while getting liposuction.

    16. Some Blues names for women:
    a. Sadie
    b. Big Mama
    c. Bessie
    d. Fat River Dumpling

    17. Some Blues names for men:
    a. Joe
    b. Willie
    c. Little Willie
    d. Big Willie

    18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't
    sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

    19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
    a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
    b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
    c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

    For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well,
    maybe not "Kiwi.")

    20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing
    the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get
    out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care. ;)
  2. lump


    Jan 17, 2000
    St. Neots, UK
    10. Good places for the Blues:
    a. highway
    b. jailhouse
    c. empty bed
    d. bottom of a whiskey glass
    e. any military installation
  3. gweimer


    Apr 6, 2000
    Columbus, OH
    Not bad, but in the case of the mixed drinks thing -- anything mixed with Coke can be a blues drink (like bourbon & Coke, Jack and Coke).
  4. insane_bassest


    Oct 3, 2000
    what does a drumer look for in a girl?

    he hopes she's deaf
  5. CamMcIntyre


    Jun 6, 2000
    Bad joke ;) here it comes & its similar to Isanae bassests joke. What does a guitarist look for in a girl?

    Answer: they look for others than them selves? ;)

    What do you get when you cross a drummer & a guitarist?

    Some one who thinks that the only beat that matters is theirs & the bassist is just a counter beat. so that one sucked oh well.

    How can you tell if your drummer is sittin level?

    the drool comes out both sides.

    ok thats all of my jokes for now.

  6. Do you know how to keep the drummer from hanging around? Cut the rope.