Bear with me, this is something that I'm not quite sure how to explain. I've been thinking alot lately about not just music, but my life in general and how I find that I really lack passion for anything. Not that I'm apathetic and I don't care, but that I just seem to "go through the motions" and I'm doing things without any sense of purpose. What I mean is that I see people who really find joy in just living, making the most out of what their life has to offer in the moment. That a special joy just comes from waking up every day and being on this earth, soaking in everything it has to offer. I also see people making the most of their talent..I think of this especially musically. Just playing from their soul, regardless of skill level and being in the moment, letting whatever is inside come out, regardless of how it may sound to someone else. I honestly don't feel that way about myself..in music or in any other aspect of life, yet it's all I think about and wish I could achieve. I wish I could get up every day and just be glad to be alive and take whatever the day brings with appreciation. Instead I feel like I struggle day to day. The only time I feel good is when the day ends. I find more tension and stress in things than joy. I feel like health problems, worries about upcoming events and heavy distaste towards my job just sucking me down. Musically it's no better..with bass or drums. I feel passionate when I listen to certain music, but when I play I just feel cold and feel like it's not in me at all. It may sound strange, especially considering how much I try and look on the bright side of my disability, but I think often for some reason about how things would be 100% better if I woke up tomorrow and I was completely "normal" (physically, not mentally ) Like that's the problem, and it's some glass wall holding me back, but yet I can see what I want on the other side. It feels like my problem is lack of motivation, and if everything was different tomorrow, that would BE my motivation to find my passion..because I'd know how things could be worse and I wouldn't take things for granted..although I know things could be much worse from where I am now and I shouldn't take how I am now for granted. I'm sorry if this makes no sense at all and is just a bunch of rambling, but it's honestly got me depressed. It's been on my mind alot lately and I just needed to vent.