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Best joke I've heard for a while!

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Microbass, Dec 31, 2003.

  1. A little long, but worth the read!!

    One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I
    guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do
    that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose
    anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a
    sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem
    and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

    Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
    urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer,
    he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer
    started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
    After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which
    was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water.
    Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

    Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
    was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to
    wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a
    try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his
    dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off,
    he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug
    store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited
    the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out
    the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water
    softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is
    using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is
    pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And
    if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get
    better. :cool:
  2. Heh heh nice:)
  3. Mario Lewis

    Mario Lewis

    Jul 6, 2001
    Clinton, MD
    On the way to his Mom’s house for the holiday’s, Ted the Taxidermist had to stop in Julep County for some coffee as the drive was getting longer every time he had to make it. No Coffee Shops were in Julep County, just a gas station and a bar with a half lit Budweiser sign in the window, about 15 old pick up trucks in various states of repair, and lots of chewin’ tobacco wrappers on the ground outside the door. Ted meant no one any harm so in he strode and right up to the bar he went.

    Ol’ Junior Boy was tendin’ bar, and the moment Ted sat down, the bar got quiet. Ol’ Junior didn’t recognize this strange face, and Ted felt the heat from everyone’s eyes focused on him.

    “Wut’s yer name stranger?” said Ol’ Junior Boy, wiping the lipstick off a dirty glass and sittin’ it in front of Ted.

    “Ted.” Ted replied.

    “Welcome to Julep County, Ted. Wut dew yu dew?” Said Ol’ Junior Boy. The crowd now started to gather around Ted like the monsters in Michael Jackson’s Thriller Video.

    “I’m a Taxidermist.” Said Ted.

    “TAXES, I PAID DEM THANGS YARS AGO!” said Junior Boy. The Crowd now twinged with hostility at the thought of this outsider accusing their pal Ol’ Junior Boy of skippin’ out on the Gub’ment.

    “No,” said Ted. “You’ve got it all wrong! I mount dead animals.”

    After the longest 10 second pause of Ted’s life, Ol’ Junior Boy yells, “It’s O.K. boys, he’s one of us!”
  4. wakizashi


    Dec 5, 2003
    lol! You guys crack me up.Alright here's mine.

    There were three roofers. Their names were Rob, Steve, and Bill.

    At lunch they went and sat on the roof of the house they were working on.Rob pulled out his sandwich and said,"Oh no, ham and cheese again.If I get another ham and cheese sandwich tomorrow I'm gonna jump of the roof and kill myself". Next was Steve and he pulled out his sandwich and said,"Damn, tuna again. If I get another blasted tuna sandwich I'll kill myself tomorrow too".Finally came Bill. He pulled out his sandwich and said,"Crap! Another bologne sandwich. If I get another bologne sandwich I'll kill myself with you guys". They then ate their sandwiches and got back to work.

    The next day they once again went up on the roof to eat lunch and Rob pulled out his sandwich and saw that it was ham and cheese so he quietly got up and jumped off the roof. Next was Steve to pull out his sandwich and said,"It's tuna again!". He then also got up and jumped to his death.Once again it came around to Bill.He saw his sandwich was bologne and said,"Damn!". He also jumped to his death.

    At the funeral ceremony for the three friends the pastor walked up to Rob's widow.She said,"He could of asked me to make a different sandwich and I would of".He then moved on to Steve's widow and she said,"He always told me he loved tuna so I always made it for him".He then walked up to Bill's widow and she looked at him and said,"I don't get it.Bill always made his own sandwich".
  5. James Hart

    James Hart

    Feb 1, 2002
    Endorsing Artist: see profile
    ....one day Jesus and Moses went golfing. As they get ready to Tee off, Jesus pulls out a putter. He hits the ball all of about 10 yards... as it comes to a stop a squirrel grabs it and makes a run for it, moments later a hawk grabs the squirrel and swoops down the fairway. It releases the squirrel which scurries across the green and deposits the ball in the hole....

    Moses, unimpressed, says "You gonna mess around all day or play golf?"


    Later on while walking down the fairway to their balls...

    Jesus, eyeing his shot, says "I'm gonna use the 9 iron, Arnold Palmer would use the 9 iron."
    Moses replies "Don't be foolish, you'll need the 5 iron!".
    "Arnold would use the 9... so am I!" Jesus exclaims as his shot falls short of the green and right into the water trap.

    Moses waltzes down to the waters edge, parts the water and retrieves Jesus' ball.
    "Now use the 5 iron! I'm not going to go get your ball again!"

    Jesus mutters "Arnold would use the 9, so am I" as once again the ball splashes the water trap.

    Moses stands waiting while Jesus is walking around on the water kicking at the lilypads looking for his ball when the next group of golfers catch up.
    One of them nudges Moses saying "Who's he think he is... Jesus Christ?"

    Moses replies "No Arnold Palmer"

    (no offence intended... Mods delete if it's out of line)
  6. speddling, i must say thank you... i'm now cleaning root beer off of my monitor:D
  7. The Stupid Brothers decide to start their own business. They buy watermelons for $1.00 each, and sell them for .50 each. After looking at the books at the end of the first week, the first brother says to the second brother, "I think we'd better start working Saturdays." :rolleyes:

    Mike :p
  8. no4mk1


    Feb 21, 2003
    Seattle, WA
    A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

    The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

    The pastor said,"Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

    "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

    The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

    The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

    The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

    The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

  9. Ok...
    A duck, a monkey and a cow walked into a bar. The bartender asks what are you having?
    The duck quacks twice and the bartender gives it a light beer.
    The bartender looks at the monkey and it screeches once loudly. The bar tender hands it two shots of tequila
    The bartender looks at the cow and the cow moo's three times and the bartender slides a shot of JD over to the animal.
    The animals then contiue to make more noises and the duck starts banging its head on the beer bottle, the monkey just looks at its two drinks and jumps off the bar and runs away, out of the bar and into the street and gets run over by a car dying instantly. The cow simply doesn't stop mooing so one person calls a cop to come and take care of it. The cop comes and shoots the cow.

    The joke...its on you there is no joke hahahahahahahahaha :D :hyper:

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