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best man speech

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by sublimestylee, Apr 10, 2009.

  1. sublimestylee


    Aug 26, 2007
    Seattle, Wa
    I need some advise. I'm gonna be the best man at my friends wedding. we were the best of friends growing up, then after high school he joined the navy and we lost all closeness, and we rarely see each other now since he is constantly traveling. And im not sure really how to handle this without being akward. btw, the girl he is marrying is a selfish you know what which really makes me not even wanna go to the wedding. any suggestions?
  2. doctorjazz


    Oct 22, 2006
    Wilmington, NC
    If you're drunk enough, you'll know what to say when the time comes.
  3. two fingers

    two fingers Opinionated blowhard. But not mad about it. Gold Supporting Member

    Feb 7, 2005
    Eastern NC USA
    Keep it short. Tell a short story from you guy's childhood. Wish them all the best. Be the bigger man. If you guys aren't all that close any more and you're the best man, he probably doesn't have too many buds these days. Add to that a selfish fiance and he's already down. Just keep it cliche' and don't try to knock it out of the park. Good luck! I've done a bunch of these. I wasn't the best man at some of them, but the best man didn't want to make the speech so they asked me (Does that mean I have a big mouth?)
  4. DudeistMonk


    Apr 13, 2008
    Newark, NJ
    I have one of those coming up a few months....Had this whole shtick I was gonna do...

    "All my life I've looked up to my cousin Mike, he got me into nature, astronomy...most importantly music......and I hope some day I can find a girl who makes me as happy as Lisa makes him...."

    Now I'm in a relationship though, so I can't really use that one....back to the drawing board.
  5. MatticusMania

    MatticusMania LANA! HE REMEMBERS ME!

    Sep 10, 2008
    Pomona, SoCal
    I'd reccomennd standing up when they ask the whole 'does anyone object to this coupling...' thing and say "Jim (in my mind your friends name is Jim, or James, which is long for Jim) I know as of late we havent been all that close, but as your best man I really can't let you marry this worthless ***** without saying you can do better" then just casually stroll out like everything is AOK.
  6. Armueller2001


    Sep 19, 2006
    Dallas, TX
    Look on YouTube, theres some funny ass ones on there.

    I started out my speech with

    "Fornication... (pause for about 5 seconds until the crowd stops laughing)... Excuse me.. For an occasion such as this,"
  7. Just get trashed and make it noticeable, then go up and be like .....

    "You know, me and _____ go wayyy back, you know I've always been there for him when he lost his woman, like this one time on his birthday we were in chicago and we were drinking at this bar and he was pretty down because he had just lost his current girl so I bought this hooker who was out front, a real tight looking young thing, couldn't have been more than 16 or 17. Anyway, as we rolled a joint on her back and passed it back and forth over her smoking it, he told me that if he ever got married, that I would be the best man. So here I am today." And then you turn to his new wife and say "And ____, just be glad I stopped him from trying to marry that hooker, because two more drinks and I probably woulda let him."
  8. BE all sweet and sappy. GO on about romance and true love and even throw in a subtle hint that you are a bit envious. Then begin fornicating with the drunken female wedding attendees.
  9. WickedPissah


    Jan 22, 2008
  10. ehque


    Jan 8, 2006
  11. WickedPissah


    Jan 22, 2008
  12. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Supporting Member

    Apr 12, 2001
    Olympia, WA
    You don't even want to be there, you don't like his girl, you barely know him anymore.

    Do the right thing, and decline the offer. Let him find someone else. Otherwise you'll be standing there lying through your teeth in a moment that will be preserved in history.

  13. Time Monkey

    Time Monkey Banned

    Jan 9, 2009
    Its obvious...

    Slit her throat, drain her blood into a sewage drain, de-bone her flesh, and then shred the meat so it looks like shredded beef, and then sell the meat to a taco stand.
  14. L-A


    Jul 17, 2008
    Do you want to sit and talk about it?
  15. Time Monkey

    Time Monkey Banned

    Jan 9, 2009

    Yes. :bawl:
  16. Nyarlathotep

    Nyarlathotep Banned

    Feb 5, 2006
    West Coast of Canada
    Time Monkey, are you ME, from the future?
  17. Time Monkey

    Time Monkey Banned

    Jan 9, 2009
    No... I'm way cooler.

    You could say... uh... I'm Mega. Yes. MEGA!!!

  18. Nyarlathotep

    Nyarlathotep Banned

    Feb 5, 2006
    West Coast of Canada
    Damn (sortof. Im glad you're not, since that would mean i presumably live in the USA at some point).

    Cus you seem to think like me......
  19. Time Monkey

    Time Monkey Banned

    Jan 9, 2009
    A bit, I suppose.

    Main difference?

    You're a salad man... and I eat steak.

  20. Nyarlathotep

    Nyarlathotep Banned

    Feb 5, 2006
    West Coast of Canada

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