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Bet you cant read this wihtout cracking up at least once..

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Sav'nBass, Apr 22, 2010.

  1. Sav'nBass

    Sav'nBass Supporting Member

    Jan 18, 2009
    Northern Va.
    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place..
    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ______________________________ ______________
    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ______________________________ _____________
    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    ______________________________ ______________
    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ______________________________ ______
    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
    ______________________________ _____________
    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
    ______________________________ ___________
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid
    ______________________________ ______________
    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right t?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
    Can I get a new attorney?
    ______________________________ ______________
    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    ______________________________ ______________
    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
    ______________________________ _______
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    ______________________________ ___________
    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
    What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    ______________________________ ___________
    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    ______________________________ ______________
    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
    ______________________________ ________
    And the best for last:
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No .
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

    And that my friends is a good example why, most politicians in our government and courts are lawyers and our nation is so screwed up.
  2. playinpearls


    Apr 1, 2008

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
  3. MonetBass

    MonetBass ♪ Just listen ♫ Supporting Member

    Sep 15, 2006
    Tulsa, OK
    I enjoyed all of those. Thanks for posting. :D

    Stupid lawyers.
  4. Thanks for the laughs! Any chance we can get more?
  5. bmc


    Nov 15, 2003
    Jokes from Germany

    Knock, knock.
    Who's there?
    The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.

    A man walks into a pub.
    He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

    Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
    She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

    What do you call a cat with no tail?
    A Manx cat.

    Why do undertakers wear ties?
    Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

    How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

    Why do women fake orgasms?
    Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

    Two men are sitting in a pub.
    One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
    The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidize her drug habit.'

    Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

    Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
    Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
    pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
  6. sloasdaylight

    sloasdaylight Banned

    Feb 4, 2009
    Tampa, Florida, US
    This made me laugh, really hard.

    The court ones were good, but this was great.
  7. Absolutely love those German jokes. Especially the wabbit one, of course. :D
  8. GregC

    GregC Johnny and Joe Gold Supporting Member

    Jan 19, 2007
    I'll be here all ze veek.:D
  9. jazzbo


    Aug 25, 2000
    San Francisco, CA
    This is all good stuff.

    Of the court cases, I particularly liked: "Oral."
  10. IconBasser

    IconBasser Scuba Viking Supporting Member

    Feb 28, 2007
    Alta Loma, California
    psh, I failed the challenge. I started laughing after the first two sentences.
  11. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Apr 12, 2001
    Olympia, WA
    Bet I can.

  12. TheDarkReaver

    TheDarkReaver Banned

    Mar 20, 2006
    Lincolnshire, UK
    And who said the Germans didn't have a sense of humour? :p
  13. EricF

    EricF Habitual User

    Sep 26, 2005
    Pasadena, CA
    I lost the bet. Thanks for that.
  14. hehe even though I have read those before, I lost the bet. Timelessly funny stuff!
  15. I don't get them, none of them.

    Someone care to explain?
  16. ()smoke()


    Feb 25, 2006
    you don't identify anything particularly humorous about the aforementioned jokes, so instead of laughing, you feel left out, alone, bewildered, and you decide to ask for an explanation

  17. JimB52

    JimB52 User Supporting Member

    May 24, 2007
    East Coast
    Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver?

    She was a woman.
  18. DerHoggz

    DerHoggz I like cats :| Banned

    Feb 13, 2009
    Western Pennsylvania
    Why couldn't Ray Charles read?
  19. SpamBot


    Dec 25, 2008
    St. Paul, MN
    My favorite sexist joke:

    A man, while driving in his car, hits his wife and kills her. Whose fault is it?

    It's his fault, he shouldn't have been driving in the kitchen
  20. Munjibunga

    Munjibunga Total Hyper-Elite Member Gold Supporting Member

    May 6, 2000
    San Diego (when not at Groom Lake)
    Independent Contractor to Bass San Diego
    I'm half German, and I was ROFL! If you take them all together, they are a joke about Germans. But I'll bet you speak French, eh?

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