I'm not sure if the U.S. has their own version of these, but every Canadian town with a population greater than 14 has a place Called The Royal Canadian Legion. These were built as a social club for men returning from the war. That purpose is long gone, and now it's only claim to fame is beer is 50 cents cheaper than anywhere else. Depending on when it was built, it is either wood panelling, or painted cinder block. It is without any form of decor except the omnipresent picture of Queen Liz, and a Canadian flag. And it is bright. 400 flourescent tubes glowing. It's white-out white. The first thing one notices on entering a legion- The smell. Despair. The stench of despair hangs heavy, and cannot be ignored. The same 12 people have sat at those same 12 bar stools since 1949 eating pickled eggs, and Polish sausage. The stage is in the corner, with a choice of lighting. Xmas lights, or two garden floods, one red, one green. The whole building is wired to one 15 amp circuit, so remember to tell the bar tender to turn off the coffee pot before your set. Common to all legions: - If you play any louder than a racoon fart, some irate Scotsman will go into a rant, the only understandable part being his use of the word fekkin' every couple of seconds. - You must play Danny Boy. Once minimum, and once a set if you want to get paid. - No break music. Hell, the band is already disturbing their silence, don't make it worse! - Eat before you come. If it's the Friday night Hoot Night, you will be offered potato chips, and pickled eggs. If you are so unfortunate that you are playing a wedding there (Canadians seem to love getting married at the Legion, I bow my head in great sadness) there will be a hot meal. DO NOT EAT IT. The roast beef has been in the oven since noon yesterday, the scalloped potatoes are just sliced and boiled in milk, and the frozen veg reheated so many times they are the color of an anemic frog. As a bonus, drop into a legion for Meat Roll. It's a weekly special event (well attended) were big big wheel of fortune spins around to select the winner of, I can't lie, MEAT. Boxes of it. Legionaires welcome a chance to get more protein than salt and vinegar chips provide, so the action gets fierce. Meat Roll is not to be missed. Some even have bands on Meat Roll night, but will shhh you when the winners are announced. Needless to say, I'm playing a wedding at a Legion tonight. I'm wearin' my Crocs, and my camo leggings to fit in. I will have to work on that flat ass that the regulars have from years of sitting on a barstool.