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CL Ad Hilarity

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by The Davil, Oct 29, 2013.

  1. The Davil

    The Davil

    Aug 13, 2009
    At first I was going to post this in the Dumb CL Ad thread, but it's not dumb, just funny. Except that one line...


    Pro Groupie Available

    ATTENTION LOCAL BANDS! Want to increase your scene cred with other musicians?
    Wish you had someone watching you from the sidelines besides the same old gruff, sweaty techies?
    Tired of all your "after parties" consisting of getting high at the bassist's studio apartment after the show?

    I can help! As a seasoned concertgoer, music lover, and budding entrepreneur, I'm offering my services as a for-hire groupie.
    No girlfriend? No problem! My groupie image can be tailored to nearly any style of band, including:

    - Fresh-faced, wistful pop-punk
    - Heartfelt acoustic singer-songwriter
    - Sensitive lo-fi indie rocker
    - Eclectic avant-garde hipster ******* (also known as self-proclaimed "unclassifiable")
    - Midlife crisis classic rock/blues cover band (extra charges apply)

    With a groupie, you are guaranteed the following:

    * Hours of uninterrupted time to talk about your music, complain about the venue, and ***** about how much you hate the drummer's girlfriend.
    * An attractive girl to slyly/wistfully make repeated, unbroken eye contact with during songs.
    * Arm candy after your set is over. (What better way to stick it to that headlining band from Ohio by having a pretty girl fawn over you after the show?)
    * ...and most importantly--a captive audience!

    Rates are determined on a per-gig basis and include cost of alcohol, transportation fees, and proper accessories required for genre (e.g. clove cigarettes, ironic t-shirts, slutty halter tops, and varying degrees of makeup).
    Note that quality of your music influences rates, as more alcohol may be required for me to convincingly enjoy the show.
    This offer is only valid for band members 18 and over.
    Angry white rappers are prohibited.
    Bassists and synthesizer players will receive a $10 per-gig surcharge.
    The cost covers ONLY time spent getting to, and at, the venue.
  2. bkbirge


    Jun 25, 2000
    Houston, TX
    Endorsing Artist: Steak n Shake
    LOL @ the surcharge and the midlife crisis blues band comment. Classic.
  3. Darkonar


    Dec 14, 2011
    LOL my sides hurt. Though I'd rather nerd out with fellow musicians, at least that's free.
  4. two fingers

    two fingers Opinionated blowhard. But not mad about it. Gold Supporting Member

    Feb 7, 2005
    Eastern NC USA
    Useless. The very reason I GOT into music was so that I didn't have to pay for groupies. Rather GET PAID to get groupies.
  5. Two Fingers has it right...Music has pulled beautiful women for me all my life, at least until I married one of them....How ugly do you have to be to need this service? Really funny, though!
  6. Slade N

    Slade N Supporting Member

    May 28, 2005
    portland, or
    I think I dated her
  7. BassCliff


    May 17, 2012
    So. Cal.

    I thought this was funny and witty. Surely it's a joke. I can't see her making a living this way. :D

    Thank you for your indulgence,


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