Classic Craigslist rant

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by Ric5, Aug 3, 2017.


  1. Ric5

    Ric5 Supporting Member

    Jan 29, 2008
    Colorado
    I disclose nothing
    Hey guys ... found this on Craigslist Denver ...

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    Is there a better site to find musicians? Because this forum blows.... (Denver) hide this posting unhide
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    What the shag? What happened to this site? Is it craigslist's fault that this site is full of ********, or is it just that there are more ******** in Denver than there used to be? These posts are hilarious. There are a billion bands looking for a talented female vocalist, and of course the ever-present optimism of some poopy indie band hoping to find a violinist/sitar player, but we all know the odds on those idiots finding what they're looking for. There aren't even any guitar players! It used to be that I could throw a bowling ball in any direction and hit some half-ass axe-wielder, now.... I have a better chance of finding Jimmy Hoffa in my pooper...
    So really... where did all the cool kids go? Is there some by-invitation-only website I don't know about?

    I read these posts and shake my head. So many qualifiers... Here's a tip. It's free. If you don't even have a recording of your "band" playing a song, don't use any qualifiers. You'd be lucky to get a job washing the ball bags of talent, yet you have six paragraphs of prerequisites listed. Why do you think anyone would jump through one hoop, let alone ten, to join the "band" you created in your head?

    When I read that there is a "band" looking for instrumentalists, I assume the members are plural. Like more than just you, *******. If you're looking for 5 instrumentalists, you're not a band. You're a shaging guy looking for a band. It means you're bypassing the time-honored tradition of walking into a band rehearsal and auditioning... Bands audition, individuals looking to start a band are more humble, more lenient. They don't make demands because no one in their right mind would ever, in a million shaging years, audition for you. A "band" implies that at least three other people testify that you are a worthy member. You alone, are as worthless to us as boobies on a bowling ball. You want to sound like this and that... you have thirty bands listed. I don't know a single one of them. That clearly makes you so much cooler than me. Clearly, you are attractive and talented and intellectually superior to me based on those low-fi indie bands you listed. No.

    You are an ******* and everyone hates you. You poor lonely mothershager.

    Yet, like an ******* myself, I read these posts. I love to hate them. I love the pictures, the YouTube horrors posted. When I open a YouTube vid and see some ugly hack, strumming his guitar and scaring the paint off the walls with a voice that sounds like he's swallowing a dick, I laugh at you. I watch about 30 seconds of the video before I'm too embarrassed for you, and I turn it off. For your sake. I feel bad for your dad, and hope he hasn't see this video. Here's one of Junior. He's about seventy years old, but he posted a pic of him in 1975 wearing a terrycloth headband and his sister's blue tights. Here's Xavier. He's a heavy metal singer and he's, of course, wearing fingerless leather gloves and bedazzled jeans. His face looks seriously close to the face I make when I'm taking a class 4 dump in a shady roadside gas station in NE Nebraska. Here's a link. Oh goody, it's a Soundcloud page and featured is song entitled, "Night Slayer" When I hit play, it sounds like the home recordings from the Manson murders... I look at the comments. None. I look at the plays. 17. I'm careful not to accidentally play it again so the poor bastard doesn't get the impression people like it. Back to the ad. I scroll down and see the list of requirements Xavier has made, if you want him to scream for your band. Oh he's picky. Only "working bands." What's that mean? They're playing Herman's Hideaway on Tuesdays at midnight? They're playing Cervantes every other Friday night? No one knows, but Xavier wants a "working band." He's from LA and he has contacts in the "music biz." No drugs. What? No drugs? How the shag am I supposed to reckon with myself for needing a singer like Xavier if I can't use drugs? "Band must be willing and ready to tour immediately." Where we goin' bro? We doing the Kansas/Wyoming tour? Who's Ford Escort are we taking? Yours or mine?

    Yet I read them. Almost every day. I know, who's the real *******, right? I enjoy it. I love the anger these posts give me. I've said to myself, no poopie... at least 1,000 times, "Why the shag does this guy think anyone would want to work with him?" Haven't you?

    "Signed scout looking for..." Signed by whom, exactly? Oh... some Denver Label that no one has ever heard of. A subsidiary of a subsidiary of Demo Records, which is a subcontractor of a subsidiary of the defunct RCA records. Yeah... that's cute. How much you pay me? Oh... I pay you? How much? shag you.

    "Must have pro gear" What does this mean? Really. What does this mean? Pro gear? If you're a pro, you need very little because the venues you play have all the 'gear' you need. The production company packs it all around for you, in a truck, with two guys named "Ace" and "Bruce" who both wear mustaches and dungaree jeans. They call you "Boss" and smoke unfiltered Camels because their natural life expectancy is far shorter than yours. That's pro gear. You're three thousand dollar Marshall stack makes you look like a guy with a tiny dick and internet-only girlfriends.

    "I'm 21, so preferably someone in the 18-24 range" At 21, you suck at your instrument. Period. There are exceptions of course, but this mothershager ain't it. The band is going nowhere. The only real question is about the future. When, in the distant future, you're not an *******, you find yourself in love with a real girl and she wants to hear the music you played way back when, do you want it to be great, or sound like the ******* you are right now? Limiting age, for the sake of marketability is like filling your rocket with water instead of fuel. The recordings are all that matter, asshat. No one wants to see you live, not more than once every three months. If the Beatles played at Herman's every weekend, no one would give a shag about the Beatles. The best musicians I've worked with are unassuming and experienced. If you're that billy-badass, you should be able to carry the old mothershagers through marketing on your own. But no. You're an ugly hack.

    "Must be willing to tour." (Translation: I have no job and my mom is kicking me out of the basement at the end of the month) The truth is, you don't ever need to be willing to tour, cause we all know you ain't going anywhere, all you need is an unoccupied couch in one of the members' living rooms. That's the fire the author is trying to put out...
    Tour, huh? Where we going? Where we sleeping? You ever read McCammon's 'The Five?' You're playing the Herman's Hideaway of every town you've never heard of, on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. The bass player's girlfriend is coming too, so you know the end of the story before you get to Fort Collins on your way north. You're guaranteed a case of the bedbugs, and if that's all you catch "on tour" you'll be lucky.

    See, for those of us who are gainfully employed, "Touring" means doing so in conditions equal to or greater than those I am accustomed to. This means more coke than meth. More 10's than 4's. More down than nylon. You get my drift... Not six adult men and one underage female sharing driving responsibility in an Astro Van. shag you. When I'm opening for Mumford and Sons, I'm down. But barfights with rednecks who scream "Play George Straight" at the stage all night is not my idea of good times.
    I want a bus with a pooper. Good drugs from reputable celebrities... until that's the case, y'all gonna have to "tour" without me. When Duff McKagan is signing autographs for $5 a piece in stadiums that hold 20,000 people, you should understand that it's over. We missed it. We are the first generation in a long line of generations to come, that makes music purely for the pleasure of it. For posterity.

    "Make your new CD at BlaBlaBlah Studios." Yes. There are a million new studios opening every day. Why is that? Because it's as easy as buying Pro Tools and a MacBook Air to call yourself a studio. Oh, Grandma has a basement you can use? Guess you got a new studio... Thirty dollars an hour, huh? Wow. That's a smoking deal. Of course, you'll have to "Master it" for me too... What's that gonna cost? Oh yeah, you say I have to pay upfront? Do I have any guarantees? Nope. Just that shaging MacBook Air and SM58... GTFOH. I've seen about 9 studios I found on Craigslist over the last 2 years. 7 of them were in a basement, below a residence. Think about that. You know this... you've seen the same places. I find it bad juju to be in a basement. There's always a no-weed rule, and frankly, that's so counterintuitive it's insulting. This is supposed to be my space. I'm supposed to have room to breathe. I'm supposed to be able to get shaged up if I so choose. I'm not paying money to some shaging salesman by day, "technician/engineer" by day to list me a bunch of rules I'm paying him to enforce. shag you, too. There are a billion studios in this metro now. A billion. And... if you meet fifty people while you're in a band, you'll realize that for every 10 music fans, 6 of them have the ability to record. Why would anyone pay some hack $30 an hour for studio time in a basement studio with rules? Does a cheap hourly rate really make people deal with poopie conditions? You want to be a good, busy studio? Make good records. That's it. Be good at what you do, leave the art to the people making it.

    "Does your band need a hit song? Local Producer looking for New Talent." Title should read, "Local creeper got a laptop for his birthday and knows how to loop riffs" Now, with your payment of $300 you can have some ******* tell you that your bridge should be only on the first and third chorus. Thanks. He's got some beats for you. FML. He tells you he's gonna make you Denver-Famous, but he's got three warrants for questionable behavior with a minor, three years ago when he was working at a daycare. If just one of these producer/hacks would send me a GOOD song that they wrote/composed, I'd retract that statement. I've asked. I've solicited their masterful services and have yet to receive poopie from any of them. I would have paid for a good song, and I couldn't find one. Why is that? Because it's just another way for ******** to capitalize on our wanting to do something with this talent. Selling us dreams, for $399.99.

    The marketing/management companies are the same. Thieves. You are being sold and resold your own elusive dreams from the time you walk into Guitar Center at 12 years old. It the world of literature, it's the same thing. People will rewrite your book for you, or ghost-write your book for you, then, there are a million services to "promote" your work. At your cost. They're selling us dreams and delivering us nothing in return. If we could come to love the process of what we're doing, rather than thinking there's a destination ahead, we could see the forest for the trees.

    Here's my favorite: "Seeking Female Vocalist"
    This one is funny to me. Lonely mothershagers thinking they can woo a girl if they have a band to surround her with. Let's consider this for a second, shall we? We're talking about ad's run on Craigslist, fellas. Downtown Harlem at 3 AM is fifteen times safer than this ghetto. You'd be hard pressed to find a more terrifying place for women than the one you're on. You really think your gonna find your Haley Williams/ Amy Lee in this community? There aren't even half-bald, semi-******** guitar players in this community! You think you're gonna find a hot female singer willing to come over to your house on a Thursday night and walk into your basement? You're out of your mind, high.

    And hey, why female? You think it will sell more records? I don't think that has anything to do with it. I think people here believe they can get physical returns for the privilege of singing songs for your poopy band. I look at your pictures. You're see-through. Old, lonely, long-grey hair and a 1986 Isuzu is not the formula to shag 10's, old friend. Talent is magnetic and loneliness is repulsive. These laws of sociology will not bend because you have a keyboard and a dog named skipper, or a Marshall guitar. No one wants to join your poopy band anyway. You and six other people think you're great, the rest of the world doesn't even know you exist. Haley isn't walking into your rehearsal space until you've shaged girls who's name she knows. When there's a picture of you and Blake Lively at TGIF, arm in arm and visibly drunk, hanging from your entry room wall, you might find a Haley Williams in you're basement. Until then, you're stuck with Letisha Williams, fresh out of the joint and with new tattoos on her inner thigh.
    Oh, you want to sound like the Civil Wars.... I see. Yeah, that's likely. I'm sure you'll stumble into your perfect counterpart here, in the Craigslist Musicians Bunkhouse. First of all, you can't carry a shaging note to save your life so no matter how good "she" is, you'll still be a poopy, half-ass garage band. Secondly, even if you don't scare dogs away with your voice, there's nowhere to go from here, except to the internet. You could use a gimmick, like naming your group Ball Sack, or set yourself on fire with lighter fluid at every show, but you still ain't going anywhere except to, if you're lucky, Spotify, where you'll make $.000000000001 for ever billion plays, and your grandma can only listen to your poopy song so many times before she decides it would be easier to end her life.

    There is no music business. For shag's sake, it's done. We wanted our poopie for free and we got it. Now, in order to do anything productive with music, you pay! You pay to record yourself. You buy beers for the poor bastards who come out to see you. You pay some ******* with a cell phone camera $200 to make you a half-ass video that will surely live a very lonely existence on YouTube. You pay for instruments and cables and shaging micro-SD cards. You pay to rent space to practice. You pay for the unemployed drummer's weed. You tip the bar staff. You get wasted for $100 after every show in order to deal with the disappointment this shaging business brings.

    With that said, every post should read, "Half-Ass Band, half-formed and with marginally talented members, seeks _____________ player who has at least $1,000 disposable income to waste on recording and such, until which time the band breaks up over some dumb bitch who made the horrifying mistake of blowing two members of the band." There. Now we know what we're getting into. A grand a piece, if all the members are employed (and you shaging know that ain't ever gonna be the case!) Yet what I see is a list of demands, for an audience that doesn't exist!

    We're on here looking through an audience of "musicians" for someone perfect, who will bring us a different, bigger audience in time. The sad thing is, there are more of us ******** on this site, browsing these ads, than will ever see or hear us play. Yet each post has a list of demands....

    Where's the realistic demand that applicants have money? I have yet to see an ad that talks about what it costs to make something out of those 4-chord wonders of mine. I've done it, repeatedly. It costs a poopie-ton of money to "do something" with the music, and it hasn't ever gotten me poopie in return. I'm not saying it can't, but it won't. Yes, it could, but a meteor could land on Earth too. Granted, I'm just another half-ass mothershager, like the rest of you, but I have a pragmatic approach to this. I understand that joining your poopy band is going to cost me money if I want anything back from the experience. ¼ of any metal band will be unemployed. 2/3 of any indie band, the same. Drugs will be a problem. Not cool drugs.... Not coke or weed but the kind of poopie you only learn about when you grow up in trailer park. It'll end the band, if some bitch doesn't do it first, but don't worry, she will. If it's all a crap shoot anyway, why all the hoops? Where did the rest of them go? Where are the other musicians? Anyone have any idea? Can someone point me in the right direction or send me an invitation to that site? I'll keep the secret. I won't tell a soul on CL where it is, I promise.

    (Don't get mad, it's just satire. Sort of. I'll copy it, just in case I get accidentally flagged and removed)
     
    thumblypeg, Starflyer59 and BassCliff like this.
  2. hrodbert696

    hrodbert696 Moderator Staff Member

    Whatever a munnyfunster is, I think I definitely want to be one.
     
    dickfitts likes this.
  3. dickfitts

    dickfitts

    Jan 18, 2012
    ...........Jayyyyyypers.
     
  4. Nev375

    Nev375

    Nov 2, 2010
    Missouri
    Imagine if he put those fingers to work practicing.
     
    chitoryu12 and JRA like this.
  5. Joe Nerve

    Joe Nerve Supporting Member

    Oct 7, 2000
    New York City
    Endorsing artist: Musicman basses
    I'm confused. Got lost after the first 50 words. What's the ad? What's the OP's comment on the ad? Who's griping, and why?

    Cliff notes please, not just for me but for all the others who pass this way :).
     
    Gaolee and LowNloud1 like this.
  6. JRA

    JRA my words = opinion Supporting Member

    wow! OP: what is your relationship to the ad? did you write it? found it?

    inquiring mind, here. thanks.
     
    Ubersheist likes this.
  7. Joebarnes

    Joebarnes

    Oct 4, 2011
    Surrey, BC
    Ok popped on to Denver Craigslist and I see what the ad is talking about. As an aside... I wish I played keys so I could join "Love Stallion".
     
    Lownote38 likes this.
  8. Replace "Denver" with pretty much any urban center in the world, you get the same crap.
     
    Ubersheist likes this.
  9. Chicory Blue

    Chicory Blue Secretly Queen of the Moon Supporting Member

    So many "shag"s in this post, you'd think they were selling carpet.

    --^@
     
  10. Gaolee

    Gaolee Official leathers tester and crash dummy

    I think he's looking for a swimwear department mannequin posed with a violin. But I'm not sure.
     
    chitoryu12 and Joe Nerve like this.
  11. Exactly. It's the same bs as it was 20 years ago, except now no one wants to pay a dime for music, and the talent pool is even smaller. Oh well...
     
  12. Almost got 1/2 way, it just keeps going!!!
     
    chitoryu12 likes this.
  13. Primary

    Primary TB Assistant

    Here are some related products that TB members are talking about. Clicking on a product will take you to TB’s partner, Primary, where you can find links to TB discussions about these products.

     
    Jun 19, 2021

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