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College: To be tied down or not?

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by tplyons, Oct 19, 2005.

  1. tplyons


    Apr 6, 2003
    Madison, NJ
    You guys know the drill, I'm a freshman in college, dating my high school sweetheart for 18 months and am starting to second guess myself because I'm in college and she's back home. She's a tad insecure in the fact that she thinks she's no longer part of my life, because I can't simply pack up and drive home every weekend. I CAN, but I don't want to so I can experience college life on weekends and what not. Not that I don't want a girlfriend, and I know things have been great with her, it's just a problem that's been plaguing my mind for quite some time. Do you think college is a time to get out of relationships and start anew, or hold on to what you have?

    I'm 18, freshman in college, Moravian College in Bethlehem PA to be exact. Dating the same awesome girl back home in Jersey an hour away for 18 months. Shes 17 and a senior in high school.

    Besides the GF there are a few other girls in my life, all good friends, but their presense keeps the girlfriend on her toes and she's freaking out, and every time she sees me, she wants to "make me happy" by buying cute new panties and other things, which don't get me wrong, I like them, but I refuse to have a relationship based sole-ly on sex.

    I don't call EVERY night because my evenings are as busy as my days, but I try to talk to her most nights, 10 minutes here or there to see whats up, but she has her life away from me and I have mine away from her. She still freaks out when shes finding out I'm watching a movie with friends and two happen to be some of my best female friends. Yes, I know I'm a bit of a flirt, I'm friendly, and yes these ladies are cute, but I love plutonic friendships with people that you like, can watch a movie with, possibly even fall asleep and wake up the next morning without freaking out that you have another man sleeping on top of you.

    I will never cheat, if I see the possibilty of a relationship working with any of these girls, I will evaluate the situation, and go from there, see which is in my best interest. But others say high school/college long distance relationships are often stressful and many regret having them, others don't. I know I've got a good one, but now that I'm so far away and am starting my life all over again, new friends, I'm wondering if I should be tied down, if having a girlfriend back home is a knife in my side socially, or how else should I go about this?

    Any advice, words of wisdom? Other than use protection? LOL

    If I were sleeping, I wouldn't be asking this question, but I'm officially going crazy without sleep for the fourth night in a row.
  2. Hollow Man

    Hollow Man Supporting Member

    Apr 28, 2003
    Springfield, VA
    It's tough dude. I knew before I left that I didn't want to try and sustain my relationship from home, so I broke it off. It sounds like my situation was easier than yours though, because this girl was wanting marriage, and at 18, I wasn't about to put my foot in that trap. My single times in college were some of the most fun times I've had, but a good relationship is damn hard to beat.

    You need to make your girl understand that in college, people have close friends of the opposite sex that are only close friends. She also needs to understand that while you care about her, school will have to come first at least some of the time. If she can't grasp these two items, then maybe you need to think about being elsewhere. If she can trust you with other women and believe that though you don't have all the time in the world for her, you still care about her, then things will stay solid between you. Best of luck to you!
  3. SuperDuck


    Sep 26, 2000
    There are a couple of factors from your post, as I see them:

    1) From your phrasing it seems like your mind is already made up to move on, and now you're trying to rationalize it. That's fine. But referring to your girlfriend as a "social knife in your side" is generally an indicator that you might be wanting to examine new prospects. :D

    2) There are definitely some trust issues there, and I'd have to say that they might be founded. You say, "It's no big deal to hang out with other women!" No, it's not. "It's no big deal to watch movies with other women!" No, it's not. "It's no big deal to have a sleepover in dorms/apartment with other women!" Well... yes, that is a big deal. You don't do that. Even if you're only sleeping together and not "sleeping" together, there are other women violating her intimate zone with you. Not cool. "But it's cool! We're not doing anything!" Not the point, not fair to her.

    3) You're going to have a bitch of a time breaking up with here, especially if you phrase it as wanting to have a part of the "college experience".

    4) I went through a very similar situation a few years ago. In my case, I'm still dating the girl, though I'm saving up for the ring. I met her the first day of college, and starting dating her shortly after. I was completely monogamous all through college, even after we transferred to different schools (an hour away). I don't feel like I missed out on the "college experience", though there were a few choice orgies I had to take a pass on. Then again, we're getting hitched - if that's not a priority for you in your relationship, then it might not apply.
  4. tplyons


    Apr 6, 2003
    Madison, NJ
    1. I'm not sure, when I'm home shes the only thing on my mind, when I'm here, I don't feel like I'm all I can be for her. I still think about her, but I'm wondering if I'm losing out on some college experience by being tied down.

    2. I phrased that wrong, I mean falling asleep on a couch in the lounge or something normal, not like watching a movie in bed in the dorm ya know? I don't think that's wrong at all.

    And honestly, she'd rather me hook up with another girl than cuddle with her.
  5. fenderx55


    Jan 15, 2005
    dude, you are going through the same exact thing i was. Let me offer up my situation by way of explanation. this isn't advice so much as a view of how it could go.

    Last year I was a freshman in college, I go to NYU so I'm a 40 minute train ride from home. My girlfriend since the summer before senior year (so I guess a little more for a year at that point) is going to school upstate at SUNY new paltz. Just because there's nothing to do up there, and she isn't as independent a person as me, she was home alot. This meant (because she wasn't allowed to stay over at my dorm) that I was home alot.
    When i wasn't home (btw, my family soon figured it out that i was home for her not them...i'm still not sure how they felt about that) I was drinking up a storm in this girl's room, because as freshman, not many ppl go out to bars both for money reasons and we didn't have IDs. I have since analysed myself and figured that i have codependency issues, but i became very attached to this girl and she became one of my only friends here. She had a lot of crap going on in her life that just made her cry and i would sit there and listen and muse about how i may want to break up with my gf, etc etc.
    This went on for a very. long. time. But i would still go home, and at first I would want to go out instead of lying in my gf's bed watching movies. But then i would relax back into my high school state of complascency (sp?) and go back to school frustrated because there were little things i couldn't stand, but they were minor.
    This went on all year. an important point should be made. I'm pretty solidly roman catholic. I haven't practiced in years, but it's not something I'm looking to give up. She's (and her family) is really, really jewish. so in otherwords, we were going nowhere because marriage was gonna be impossible, and i didn't like the idea, for some reason, of marrying my first serious gf. We only thought of this stuff,because we were really in love, and we were together, in the end, for 2 and a half years.
    i never cheated on her. we always jsut figured that if i studied abroad this year that would be it. But i'm not studying abroad this year. I let my ego get me, i decided i would be better off this year being single. I htought i could break up with her, we would be friends, andboth be happy. 2 of those things happened. We broke up mutually (this guy she knows basically gave her the road trip "the days to explore yadda yadda yadda" word for word). a few weekends ago I went home, we spent all night in her room commiserating that this was the last time we were to be together but we would be friends, because frankly, we're of the only 4or5 real friends we have on LI anymore.
    so i came back to school and got raucously drunk, called some girl a hobbit, and the next day the reality of what i did occured to me. I have been in an incredible funk since then. I thought i would handle it alot better than idid. I have found that i still love her and she still loves me, and until last night i thought she was taking it alot better thani am. But apparently she isn't.
    we can't get back together, it would be pointless, even if accidents did happen last week when she came to visit me, it can't. I'll get over it slowly, we just need to stop calling eachother like we're still together. It turned me into a jealous, violent person (not acted on, just dsired) and i'm not a violent guy, it scared me. because she told me she hookedup with someone already.

    that was long, but all i'm saying, is u deffinetely want to break up with her, u are trying to rationalize it. She may cry and freak out, but if you stay together, it'll be harder in the end. On top of that, she may go to school next year and freak out the same way you are and end it. My gf never freaked out about the girls i hang out with or how i flirt. It's justmy personality, i can't help it, i don't act on it. I'm also not the best lookin guy in the world. Search Chris Cona at NYU on facebook if you don't believe me. All i'm saying is, save yourself heart ache and do it sooner rather than later, and make sure you've really thought about it. don't become a simpering mess like me.


    btw, sorry for how disorganized this whole post is, i was just kinda writing without thinking.
  6. You are not in an uncommon situation at all. I go to James Madison University in Virginia, and it's known for having a large and attractive female population. What they do not tell you is that all of the girls have boyfriends back at home... (PS: I thought all of the kids from NJ went to JMU after high school? :p )
  7. fenderx55


    Jan 15, 2005
    the girls at nyu hae the same complaint about the guys. unfortunately, my class has a low population of hot girls...the FRESHMEN on the other hand...they allhave bfs
  8. paintandsk8

    paintandsk8 Pushin' my soul through the wire...

    May 12, 2003
    West Lafayette, IN
    I'm a college freshman as well, and I also made the decision to end my relationship with my girlfriend of 9 months when we both left for school. I now know that I made the right decision. I'm happy with where I am at, single as it may be, and everyone I know that is trying to keep a long distance relationship going does nothing but argue with their significant other every night on the phone.

  9. +1. You can still be with her and have the college experience.

    And I go to UofC(University of Calgary). The amount of hot girls I see every day is astounding. And in my classes(majority are girls), very easy to get distracted. I'm still with my gf(we aren't that far away from each other, same city and all) but only really see each other once a week due to our schedules. I am really in love with this girl, and I don't feel like I've missed out on the college experience either. We are having some problems right now, but thats a whole other story(no cheating or anything, nothing that serious).

    College isn't about how many girls you hooked up with, because while fun, most of those relationships may not lead to anything. In fact, they may lead to having to avoid certain floors of the rez buildings entirely(I don't remember who but everytime someone was like "Hey theres a party at such and such a place" he would respond with "can't go in that building, there are a lot of very angry females in there.") Don't give up your good relationship for the 'college experience', you can experience college in other fun, un-lethal(well, relatively un-lethal) ways.
  10. mikemulcahy


    Jun 13, 2000
    The Abyss

  11. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Terrific Twister

    Apr 12, 2001
    Olympia, WA
    If you really do think that your girl is a keeper, do everything to maintain the relationship. The companionship of a good woman is hard to find, and worth every penny and effort to keep.

  12. Amen.
  13. press the next button

    otherwise she'll just think you're a nice guy and cheat on you.
  14. End it.
  15. Figjam


    Aug 5, 2003
    Boston, MA
    Im currently involved with my sweetheart of 16 months.... and let me tell you, if we were one year older and in your situation, in 2 different colleges, with her, i would stay with her and be tied down, because she means that much to me.

    Ask yourself if she means that much to you.