Confused about what to do with a domestic abuse situation I'm aware of.

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by cassanova, Mar 20, 2011.


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  1. no doubt he needs help.....it's the wanting help that's the issue......i'd bet that if you take him out of this relationship,he'll either return to it,or find another girl just like this one.....seen this often......the psychobabblers even have a name for it,tho' it escapes me now....
     
  2. warwick.hoy

    warwick.hoy

    Aug 20, 2006
    Spokane, WA.
    Beta Tester: Source Audio.
    That seems reasonable,...slightly harsh; but diplomatic.

    If he is bros before hoes or even values your friendship,...he'll see how his wife is coming between him and his friends and will be thanking you.
     
  3. Skitch it!

    Skitch it!

    Sep 6, 2010
    Total domineering sociopathic control freakishness by the sounds, she will make him very ill, tyranny needs it's symbolism, it will be him for as long as he allows.

    What kind of upbringing did he have? This sounds like Stockholm Syndrome from somewhere.
     
  4. not harsh at all.....if you take the position that the relationship ,twisted as it is,is somehow symbiotic,and that getting out is not the desired outcome....
     
  5. Emotional and psycological abuse is just as bad as physical, except that the scars run deeper. It's not right for anyone to belittle/disrespect their partner and make them feel worthless.

    I don't think calling the helpline would imporve anything other than complicating it. They mostly deal with physical abuse and mostly female victims. By calling them, your friend will feel even smaller than how he feels right now.

    Male abuse in relationships are finally getting some attention these days. It's been around forever but it's so taboo and no one admits to it. There are some organizations dedicated to its research but male victims are not coming forward for obvious reasons.

    I don't actually have any suggestions other than be there for your friend and constantly remind him that he deserves better and that NO ONE should be treated or spoken to like that. Hopefully he'll believe it one day and take necessary actions. There's no reason that he would not be able to see his daughter unless there is a good reason why he cannot provide care for her.
     
  6. He's a big boy. Tell him how you feel, that is all you should do and all I would want if I were in his position.
     
  7. cassanova

    cassanova

    Sep 4, 2000
    Florida
    He actually had an out. About 2 weeks ago he was staying at his mothers house and was telling us all "it's over." Then suddenly, bails on an interview to get his old job back and moved right back in with her and took back his crappy job back at the flea market she manages. This all happened within a few days of her finding out the guy she's shacking up with won't commit to her for about 6 more months. Coincidence? I don't think so.

    I believe the term you're thinking of is Battered Women's Syndrome. AKA, Battered Person's Syndrome.

    He had a pretty good upbrinding for the most part. I want to say that his parents relationship was very patriarchal. He paid the bills, drove the wife around, and though he wasn't abusive, it seemed like his word was law. My cousin has often said to me "my dad was the glue that held this family together, when he died, the family went to crap." During his first marriage his dad would always tell him that he needs to work things out with his wife. I do believe that influence is having an effect on his good judgment in his current situation, because his dad would also tell him that sometimes you also have to cut your losses.
     
  8. hopefully you can avoid the minefield...
     
  9. cassanova

    cassanova

    Sep 4, 2000
    Florida
    It'd definitely complicate things. But at least there would be an official record that someone was suspecting abuse within the marriage. I was also thinking along the same lines as you were with them dealing primarily with physical abuse. I'm not sure how they'd handle emotional, mental, and financial abuse.

    I had to do the domestic violence/abuse counseling at my last job and the group of men we had to counsel was so large that we had to create another group just to be able to handle them all. The women's group, (which for some reason men aren't allowed to counsel) was so small that I could count all the members on one hand. I'm positive there are more men being abused than that. We really do need to find a way to get men to swallow their pride and come forward when they are abused.

    I know that, you know that, his family knows that, and we've all told him that; yet he still buys into the fear tactic of her saying he'll never get to see his kid. We've all also told him to file for joint custody and even sole custody.

    It's really a sad and pathetic situation because he knows what the right thing to do in this situation is. He just doesn't have the balls to do it. Which is why I was thinking of reporting the abuse.
     
  10. +1 to Skitch's diagnosis for Stockholm.
     
  11. Batmensch

    Batmensch

    Jul 4, 2010
    Media, PA.
    Before you do anything, I would call and see if you can talk to a professional abuse counselor at a helpline and see what advice they can give you. Those helplines are for more than just the victims of abuse, they are also for the friends and family of those who are abused.
     
  12. jp58

    jp58

    Dec 9, 2009
    Tennessee
    I agree with both of those.


    An ultimatum will do him (or you) no good.
     
  13. Tracebassplayer

    Tracebassplayer Sometimes Darkness Can Show You The Light.

    Dec 15, 2000
    Portland, OR
    IMO you should call that hotline you mentioned. IF he snapps and does something, how are you gonna feel knowing you could have made a phone call and maybe stopped whatever from happening.
    When it comes to someone's health and well being, we have a moral obligation to step in when someone is being abused. once the proper authorities are involved, you have done what you can. Support your "cousin" document EVERYTHING, you/he may need it in court to retain custody of the kids if that's what he wants.
    I was given this advice, followed that advice and I got sole custody of my 5 yr old son because I was able to show the Court history, intent, deception, etc on paper, in detail. Score one for the MEN who want their kid/s.
    This Single Dad raised a 5 yr old boy into a man who is now a Marine.
     
  14. Skitch it!

    Skitch it!

    Sep 6, 2010
    +1 This,

    Your friend is stuck between the fear of the unknown involved in moving out of that relationship, with what seems to be some kind of overbearing cruel tyrant. He does need to speak to someone who can fathom some of his perspective on this, it wouldn't hurt to get some clarity of awareness through professional help.
     
  15. Would you say the same thing if this were a man mentally abusing a woman in this way?
     
  16. these days there are far more ways to get out of abusive,or even uncomfortable situations than ever before if one has the desire........women have long demanded equality......well here it is.....help is a phone call away....staying in and using friends and relatives for shoulders to cry on solves nothing,and may even be harmful to them.....i doubt that there is a sheriff anywhere that would not recognize and be able to deal with a situation like this......
     
  17. DanAleks

    DanAleks Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Supporting Member

    Mar 5, 2009
    You beat me to it!

    Also, everyone is worried about whether HE snaps. She's already abusive, what if SHE snaps?

    Women are more likely to use a weapon like a baseball bat, metal lamp, etc. Your 'cousin' could get seriously injured or killed.
     
  18. skwee

    skwee

    Apr 2, 2010
    Minneapolis
    First of all, self actualization is more important than love, and that goes for his kids, too. Their relationships will all turn out like mom and dad's. Have you talked to HER yet? If she got called out, it might make her realize what she has been doing, or at least let her know that others have noticed, which does wonders for conformity. If she has to monitor her behavior so she doesn't get caught in a compromising position, then she doesn't have time to be sleeping around.
     
  19. Tracebassplayer

    Tracebassplayer Sometimes Darkness Can Show You The Light.

    Dec 15, 2000
    Portland, OR
    But according to the OP, she already has been "sleeping around". I would kick her cheating ass to the curb. No longer a "Keeper" that one...
     
  20. cassanova

    cassanova

    Sep 4, 2000
    Florida
    Thanks again for the input guys.

    I think I may have found a win win way around the situation.

    As some of you already know, I'm a certified addictions/domestic violence counselor. I'm giving serious consideration to going over to their place and telling him/her something along the lines of the following.

    *None of either of your family members, and most of your friends are not counselors, more importantly none of them are going to be unbiased. One way or another, they will choose a side.

    *That I cannot counsel him because it is a violation of the code of ethics "dual relationship" clause. He's not a client of mine, so it's not really a violation, but he doesn't have to know that. I'm also hoping this will encourage (at least) him, to get into counseling.

    * Since I am aware of what I perceive as a domestic abuse situation and one in which children are involved, I have to report it because if I don't, I can lose my certifications. This may or may not be a lie. I need to actually research it to make certain. If I can actually lose my certifications, I will not hesitate to make the call. I do know that if a client reports they're abusing someone that I do have to report it, not really sure on how that works if they're the victim, or a close friend.
     
  21. Primary

    Primary TB Assistant

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