Confused about what to do with a domestic abuse situation I'm aware of.

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by cassanova, Mar 20, 2011.


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  1. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Moderator Staff Member

    Apr 12, 2001
    Olympia, WA
    It seems to me like you are. I get the impression you feel the best solution for your friend is to terminate the marriage.

    However dysfunctional the marriage is now, both involved parties view it as a marriage.

    -Mike
     
  2. reading this it appears that you have decided to enter the game and abandon anything you may have learned in college......geez dude,if you were just going to jump in,eyes closed anyway why bother asking on here...
     
  3. Nah, the marriage is already destroyed... he's just trying to get his friend to see that reality.
     
  4. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Moderator Staff Member

    Apr 12, 2001
    Olympia, WA
    To you and me it is.

    -Mike
     
  5. I think your friend has some serious self-image issues, and those need to be corrected prior to anything he can solve between himself and his wife, or with himself and you. He needs to build his mental strength, and fast. She does not view him as a human being, and as a result of sufficient battering, neither does he. She cheats on him and berates him in public.

    A couple of ways to do this:
    1. Physical strength - it is amazing how your self image improves when you can lift heavy things repeatedly. His physical image will improve, and the mental resolve to keep going while under the bar translates directly to life.

    2. Knowledge. Is he aware of the ramifications of the entire situation? Knowledge builds confidence, and if needed, he can speak / file a divorce / call a hotline / etc. without fear of backlash or not seeing his kids, or whatever his worries are. Perhaps if you were to provide him with copies of the legal codes for the area showing him his rights in this situation, that might help.

    3. Work. This is another degree of independence he could use. He works in the same flea market she manages. He is subordinate to her at home and also at work. I realize economic times are tough, but there ARE jobs. Perhaps searching and acquiring a new job on his own will help his self-image considerably. What is he trained in?

    4. Personally, I would recommend a hearty dosage of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, all 1000+ pages of it. If nothing else, her books are devoted towards the philosophy of the individual, and this is exactly what your friend needs. He might not have to take it to extremes - but maybe can get enough of it to think of himself as human.



    Another possibility is that he thrives on the way his wife treats him and being a cuckold, and doesn't want to change a single thing. If that is true, buy him a beer and tell him to carry on!
     
  6. Skitch it!

    Skitch it!

    Sep 6, 2010
    You tried, at least you did that, if he isn't going to see the wood for the trees right now, it's all you can do. I'd have done the same for a friend, I wouldn't just sit by and watch ;)
     
  7. No, to them it is too - they just don't want to admit/realize it.
     
  8. chuck norriss

    chuck norriss Inactive

    Jan 20, 2011
    I was that guy.

    bottom line: you & the family members all have to be there for him whenever, all hours of the night.
    let him talk it out, let him make the decision. Above all, if you pray, pray for him.

    I thought I was keeping it together for my family's sake but actually we were destroying it. 11 years of hell. I'm not going back to hell
     
  9. chuck norriss

    chuck norriss Inactive

    Jan 20, 2011
    wait she cheated on him? F that! he needs to grow his testicles back & kick her out
     
  10. Mike M.

    Mike M.

    Feb 14, 2010
    This sounds ALL too familiar. Painfully familiar. Sounds like what my ex put me thru....to the letter.

    Finally came the day when I knew it had to end this farce of a marriage or I was going to end up in a rubber room...or a suicide victim and I filed for divorce. Worked out well because she got what she wanted...a guy with money. I slowly learned how to get my self respect back thru counseling and I learned that it was NOT my fault. I just made the wrong choice by marrying a woman who didn't know how to make herself happy.

    Tell your friend if he has any shread of respect for himself he'll get out of it as fast as possible. It may hurt but he'll be better off in the long run.
     
  11. cassanova

    cassanova

    Sep 4, 2000
    Florida
    I didn't jump in with eyes closed. I gave this a lot of thought. I've been thinking about this for weeks prior to me even posting about it here. I felt and still do feel the pro's outweighed the cons. Just because I didn't heed the advice of those that said "don't do it," doesn't mean I didn't ponder their opinions very carefully. In the end, I felt and still do feel that I did the right thing.

    I also got a call from him a little while ago. He's not the least bit mad with me for what I did. His wife however, is a completely different story.
     
  12. *high five* You did the right thing and you know it!
     
  13. king_biscuit

    king_biscuit

    May 21, 2006
    US
    +1 Mind your own business on this one!
     
  14. you would think that a guy that wants to change his sorry state of affairs would be the one posting on line....you can't help those who do not want help......but on the bright side you got a high five from a kid that still lives with mom......
     
  15. cassanova

    cassanova

    Sep 4, 2000
    Florida
    Nah, I'm not trying to destroy anything. If I was out to destroy it, I wouldn't have suggested marriage counseling. Which I might add, he was in favor of, but she was not. Go figure.

    What I did was do nothing more than try to help someone I love realize that he is in an abusive relationship. I confronted an abuser. She didn't like that she was called out on this, because she fears she'll lose control of the situation.

    Her saying I'm out to destroy the marriage is nothing more than her tugging on his heart strings in an attempt to try and discredit me, and downplay why someone finally called her out on her bullcrap.

    Think about it, if he does finally accept that she is abusive, then he'll no longer tolerate it. This is in fact a huge threat to the power and control she's exerting over him. Abuse is about one thing and one thing only, power and control.
     
  16. Skitch it!

    Skitch it!

    Sep 6, 2010
    Even if he didn't listen at least she got told, someone's got to do it, she obviously doesn't like hearing it...flock her.
     
  17. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Moderator Staff Member

    Apr 12, 2001
    Olympia, WA
    Good work. Hopefully something sinks in with them both.

    -Mike
     
  18. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Moderator Staff Member

    Apr 12, 2001
    Olympia, WA
    I think he does know, but doesn't care enough about himself or his family to do anything about it. Chances are if he ends this marriage, he'll attach himself to another woman who will treat him the same way.

    You see it all the time with women, moving from one abusive relationship to the next. It's all they know, and in some twisted way they get a measure of comfort from it.

    -Mike
     
  19. cassanova

    cassanova

    Sep 4, 2000
    Florida
    You know, I think he honestly would if he were allowed access to her computer. He's not even allowed on that. If he wants to research something, she does it for him.

    BTW, I and the others, think he wants help and out of this marriage, but is just too scared to actually use the advice we've all given him. As I said earlier, it's classic victims of abuse behavior.
     
  20. MatticusMania

    MatticusMania LANA! HE REMEMBERS ME!

    Sep 10, 2008
    Pomona, SoCal
    It only took one for my fiancee to change the way she ran her business and become more responsible with her financial planning, but then again, totally different issue...

    Did you really think it would go any other way? She's a nut, from the sound of it. Muchh like my ex. Tell them that theyre the problem and it instantly puts them on the defensive, as demonstrated in your post.

    You sound a lot like my friends when I was stuck in a bad marriage, but at least you tried. I wish my friends would have made even a fraction of the attempt you did. Whether or not your friend actually appreciates it, you did the right thing by trying.

    It will no doubt take him some time, but he'll come around eventually.
     
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