Confused about what to do with a domestic abuse situation I'm aware of.

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by cassanova, Mar 20, 2011.


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  1. jmattbassplaya

    jmattbassplaya

    Jan 13, 2008
    Make that two kids. He did the right thing. Hopefully his actions will be the wake up call his friend needed to start seeing clearly.
     
  2. HEY!



    ...I live with my my Mom and Dad and if you don't stop picking on me I'm telling on you :p!
     
  3. guy n. cognito

    guy n. cognito Secret Agent Member

    Dec 28, 2005
    Nashville, TN
    You've grossly overstepped both your professional and personal bounds here. Providing guidance and friendship to your "cousin" is one thing........ putting yourself in the middle of your marriage is another.

    I do find it almost comical that many here seem to think this is "abuse." If I may be blunt, it seems to me you've got a wimp with a bitch for a wife, nothing more. She controls him because he wants to be controlled.

    Wanna help your friend? 1)Hire a private detective to tail the wife and detail her exploits. Evidence is critical. 2) Get him to an attorney that can explain to him how divorce and child custody works. Many men assume that they will automatically lose their children if they leave their wife, but modern courts just don't work that way.

    Give him the evidence and the legal advice necessary to fix his problem. If he decides to stay anyway, then that's his choice.
     
  4. cheezewiz

    cheezewiz

    Mar 27, 2002
    Ohio

    JMHO, +1. Being a friend is good. Being supportive is good. I think this was kinda over the line.
     
  5. Skitch it!

    Skitch it!

    Sep 6, 2010
    Your right, that is comical, but I don't mean cassanovas move or your 'version' of comedy :)
     
  6. finally....some real perspective from the volunteer state....reminds me of the old psychiatrist joke.....

    "madam,your son steals because..."

    "why doctor?

    "because he's a thief ma'am"
     
  7. +1 :D
     
  8. cassanova

    cassanova

    Sep 4, 2000
    Florida
    Well fortunately, he's not a client so I didn't overstep any professional boundaries. There's nothing in the code of ethics that says you can't be supportive and provide your friends/relatives with advice.

    As far as he's concerned, I didn't overstep any personal boundaries. He and I are still tight, and our friendship is just as solid as ever. He understands why I did what I did and told me he appreciates it. Again, his wife, not so much. But I'm okay with that. I also told his family what I did and they too supported it. The only one so far that does not like what I did is his wife. I'm more than okay with that. BTW, it's also a lot better that I intervene and try to help him with this problem than them getting a knock on the door from the police or Child Protective Services. At least this way he/they have an opportunity to try and "fix" the problem before official agencies get involved and complicate things for the both of them even more.

    I also wouldn't go as far as saying I put myself in the middle of their marriage. I went over there and addressed issues he brought up with me. Since his wife was there, she had no choice but to hear what I had to say. There's also no way in hell you can give marital advice and not somehow not be in the middle of it. What is hard to do, is not take sides and avoid bias. Her actions made it very hard to do that.


    Make no mistake about it, it is still abuse. I also agree that he also likes being controlled, at least in part. What he does not like is the constant insults, the whoring around, the being denied finances. Those are all abusive traits, and given the frequency that this is occurring in his marriage it indicates emotional/financial abuse. I also agree with you that he is a wimp for not putting his foot down, and his wife is certainly a bitch. I also think he's an idiot for staying with her, as does the rest of his family.


    You think me saying something to his wife is overstepping boundaries, yet you're saying hire a private dick to snoop on his wife. IMO, that's overstepping a boundary. He also doesn't need any evidence that his wife was whoring around. She told him that she was for about a month, even told his brother.

    Regardless, I and his family have done just about all we can to enlighten him, that he is in fact in an unhealthy situation that he should remove himself from. They now have numbers to good marriage counselors and other facilities that deal with these issues. Since he doesn't want to heed the advice of others and see the warning signs, I'm afraid he's going to have to learn the hard way. When that time comes, I will be there for him to help pick up the pieces.
     
  9. Skitch it!

    Skitch it!

    Sep 6, 2010
    Just out of interest,

    Stockholm Syndrome (SS) can also be found in family, romantic, and interpersonal relationships. The abuser may be a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, father or mother, or any other role in which the abuser is in a position of control or authority.

    It's important to understand the components of Stockholm Syndrome as they relate to abusive and controlling relationships. Once the syndrome is understood, it's easier to understand why victims support, love, and even defend their abusers and controllers.

    Every syndrome has symptoms or behaviors and Stockholm Syndrome is no exception. While a clear-cut list has not been established due to varying opinions by researchers and experts, several of these features will be present:

    -Positive feelings by the victim toward the abuser/controller
    -Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends, or authorities trying to rescue/support them or win their release
    -Support of the abuser's reasons and behaviors
    -Positive feelings by the abuser toward the victim
    -Supportive behaviors by the victim, at times helping the abuser
    -Inability to engage in behaviors that may assist in their release or detachment

    Stockholm Syndrome doesn't occur in every hostage or abusive situation. In another bank robbery involving hostages, after terrorizing patrons and employees for many hours, a police sharpshooter shot and wounded the terrorizing bank robber. After he hit the floor, two women picked him up and physically held him up to the window for another shot. As you can see, the length of time one is exposed to abuse/control and other factors are certainly involved.

    It has been found that four situations or conditions are present that serve as a foundation for the development of Stockholm Syndrome. These four situations can be found in hostage, severe abuse, and abusive relationships:

    The presence of a perceived threat to one's physical or psychological survival and the belief that the abuser would carry out the threat
    The presence of a perceived small kindness from the abuser to the victim
    Isolation from perspectives other than those of the abuser
    The perceived inability to escape the situation
    By considering each situation we can understand how Stockholm Syndrome develops in romantic relationships as well as criminal/hostage situations.
     
  10. warwick.hoy

    warwick.hoy

    Aug 20, 2006
    Spokane, WA.
    Beta Tester: Source Audio.
    I just glanced over most the replies except for the first post that cassanova made detailing his actions as of today.

    I just wanted to say that when called out on the carpet; if a person gets as defensive as the "cousin's" wife did,....it's usually because you've touched the raw nerve of truth.

    This woman sounds like a first rate *****.

    If I were your "cousin" I'd be spending as much time as I could with the people I'm not "allowed" to associate with just to stick in her cheatin craw.

    Seriously,...eff that snatch.
     
  11. guy n. cognito

    guy n. cognito Secret Agent Member

    Dec 28, 2005
    Nashville, TN
    ....or, she could just be pissed off that some random friend of her husband dared to stick his nose where it didn't belong.

    Imagine you and your wife were having problems, and one of her friends came over to interject herself and her opinions into the matter. How do ya think you'd feel about that?
     
  12. cheezewiz

    cheezewiz

    Mar 27, 2002
    Ohio
    One of my EX wife's friends did that. Of course, she was completely uninformed about the real situation. I know how I felt. I wanted to hate-**** her.
     
  13. Ziltoid

    Ziltoid I don't play bass

    Apr 10, 2009
    Canada
    Tazed her? :) (Don't worry you'll get used to me making the same bad jokes over and over again)
     
  14. Skitch it!

    Skitch it!

    Sep 6, 2010
    You have read this woman's modus operandi no? It's a bit more than a little tiff.
     
  15. cheezewiz

    cheezewiz

    Mar 27, 2002
    Ohio
    I'm a quick learner. I've already adjusted. :)
     
  16. Ziltoid

    Ziltoid I don't play bass

    Apr 10, 2009
    Canada
    That doesn't answers my question :bag: I'll assume you did taze her then, big bad cop! You're just like every other! Pfff Oh and an Italian? You're definitely in the mafia.
     
  17. warwick.hoy

    warwick.hoy

    Aug 20, 2006
    Spokane, WA.
    Beta Tester: Source Audio.
    Could be; but faced with the evidence as laid out by cassanova (admittedly only one side of the story); it comes as no surprise that the wife reacted as she did. People don't like having their shortcomings and indiscretions thrown in their faces,...the usually become defensive and proceed to deny the allegations. To quote a cliche,...the truth hurts. To become instantly defensive and throw the offender out of the house just screams of hiding from the truth to me.

    If someone came around and falsely accused our relationship dynamic as being abusive; I'd calmly and level headedly explain that their notions are misconceived and that they are wrong. I'd try to suss out why they feel the way they do and try to fix it. It's a little something we like to do called problem solving. Of course I don't have to worry about that because I don't cheat on my wife,...nor am I physically or mentally abusive. I was raised better than that.


    I'd have a different opinion of the person for sure, but I wouldn't kick the person out of the house or forbid my wife from associating with that person.


    FWIW,...my wife and I have a great relationship. I also don't air my dirty laundry to my friends, which is essentially what cassanova's "cousin" has done. If we are having problems with our marriage the wife and I are open and communicative enough with my to figure them out without needing a shoulder to cry on,...but that's just how we operate.
     
  18. guy n. cognito

    guy n. cognito Secret Agent Member

    Dec 28, 2005
    Nashville, TN
    Didn't say it was a little tiff. Most people, however, don't take it well when someone butts in where they don't belong.
     
  19. cassanova

    cassanova

    Sep 4, 2000
    Florida
    I didn't stick my nose anywhere it didn't belong. If you don't want other peoples opinions then don't ask for them. Though I did go to his house today, he initially came to me about a month ago. It's not my fault she happened to be there and didn't like my assessment of the situation.

    Bottom line is, if you don't want someones opinion on a topic, then don't get mad at them when they tell you it. If she wants to get mad at anyone, then she should be mad at her husband for talking to me and his family about it.


    IE:

    When I explained to them what the cycle of violence is and showed the both of them the cycle on paper. He was naturally curious about it. She instantly became defensive and tried discrediting me. She also tried rationalizing why she goes ape. "Well, if he wouldn't have done this or that, I wouldn't have cheated or done this or that." She liked it even less when I informed her that's a classic abuser mentality.

    She was saying their marriage is fine, he is not. You can't have a "fine" marriage when only one party feels that way. I tried explaining this to her, again she got defensive and tried to discredit me.


    I did nothing wrong here. My cousin is more than okay with me trying to help. His wife is the only one with a problem with what I did, and as I said, I'm okay with that. She's not pissed that I intervened, I've intervened in the past and she never got upset. She's upset because she got confronted and told her behaviors not acceptable and runs the risk of losing power and control.

    I'm also more than just a "random friend." I've known the guy since elementary school, am the godfather to one of his daughters from his first marriage, was his best man, and an usher at his 2nd marriage. I'd say that more than qualifies as more than just a random friend that's sticking his nose where it doesn't belong.

    I also feel like you're kinda making me out to be the bad guy here, and I'm not.

    If this were a woman in the same situation, I doubt that many would be questioning what I did. What I'd like to know is when did it become okay to turn a blind eye to abuse of any kind?
     
  20. Selta

    Selta

    Feb 6, 2002
    Pacific Northwet
    Total fanboi of: Fractal Audio, AudiKinesis Cabs, Dingwall basses
    Some people just like to have a channel to vent, too. Just because my friends come to me with their problems, concerns etc., doesn't mean I put myself into a mode where I try to solve their problems every time. If they ask for my help/opinion/whatever, I give it. Otherwise, I just am there for them when they need to vent.
    IMO, you stepped over the line. But that is "MO", and every person is different.
     
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    Primary TB Assistant

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