Confused about what to do with a domestic abuse situation I'm aware of.

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by cassanova, Mar 20, 2011.


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  1. Exactly. Never thought I'd see some one catch so much grief for helping a friend or family member out of an abusive situation.
     
  2. warwick.hoy

    warwick.hoy

    Aug 20, 2006
    Spokane, WA.
    Beta Tester: Source Audio.
    And my guess is she'd do the same when a judge or policeman points out her unacceptable behavior, and that will end a lot less pleasantly for her.
     
  3. Ziltoid

    Ziltoid I don't play bass

    Apr 10, 2009
    Canada
    Sometimes you're not one that should provide help, sometimes it's not the good timing, or the good way used, or the person is simply not ready to put an end to it just yet. It's really a case by case thing but sometimes trying to help brings more trouble then anything.

    And I'm not judging this case or even emitting an opinion about it, I'm just saying this as a general statement
     
  4. Cassanova,

    If you followed the proper channels (reporting to the domestic abuse group(s)), would they actually do anything since it is a man that is being abused? I'm asking in complete seriousness. I'm sure they would step in for children (which does not seem to be the problem, as you described), but for a cuckolded man?
     
  5. guy n. cognito

    guy n. cognito Secret Agent Member

    Dec 28, 2005
    Nashville, TN
    The rationalization here is amazing. Just because one spouse confides his issues to you does not give you the right or the obligation to confront both people on the issue. The fact that you don't see that just demonstrates how far you are willing to go to justify your decision to butt in.

    You mentioned above that there has been no physical violence in this relationship, yet you chose to discuss the "cycle of violence" on your little visit. You say you're a "counselor"; tell me.......do people tend to get defensive when they are wrongly accused of violence? Did you happen to mention to her that she was "abusing" her husband, too? Oh, yes, you did. Can't imagine why she got mad............

    Calling this "abuse" is insulting to those who are actually abused. We're talking about a 40-something man who chooses to be dominated by his wife. That's not abuse. It's sad......pitiful, actually, but it's not abuse. And, I'm guessing there's much more to this story than is being mentioned here.
     
  6. guy n. cognito

    guy n. cognito Secret Agent Member

    Dec 28, 2005
    Nashville, TN
    Great question. Furthermore, I'm wondering why a certified counselor would hesitate to report this "abuse" that he seems confident in occurring in this situation.
     
  7. guy n. cognito

    guy n. cognito Secret Agent Member

    Dec 28, 2005
    Nashville, TN
    This comment begs a question: do you think that the police or the courts would involve themselves in this situation as a criminal matter?
     
  8. Skitch it!

    Skitch it!

    Sep 6, 2010
    In general, yes, I would agree if it was the usual argumentative stuff. But in this case, cass obviously knows his friend well enough to witness the effects and feels someone should intervene for the sake of his friends well being, who seemingly is in hopeless denial. I don't like getting involved with personal relationships, but something of this gravity, I would do the same, jus' saying.
     
  9. warwick.hoy

    warwick.hoy

    Aug 20, 2006
    Spokane, WA.
    Beta Tester: Source Audio.
    They will when someone get's hurt,...and I fear (based on the evidence presented) this may be on that path.
     
  10. Munjibunga

    Munjibunga Retired Member

    May 6, 2000
    San Diego (when not at Groom Lake)
    Independent Contractor to Bass San Diego
    Jeez, you rip the guy for going in too deep (and I agree with you), then you tell him to dig in even deeper, with the private dick, lawyer, and all. He should have stayed the hell out before, and he should stay the hell out now.
     
  11. Skitch it!

    Skitch it!

    Sep 6, 2010
    Mental abuse runs much deeper than physical abuse, you stand back and do nothing, but I wouldn't criticise someone who is in a position to read exactly what's happening there.

    From what I've read it isn't one spouse, it's the whole social circle who can see what's happening here and methinks the lady doth protest too much.
     
  12. Skitch it!

    Skitch it!

    Sep 6, 2010
    Mental abuse runs much deeper than physical abuse, you stand back and do nothing, but I wouldn't criticise someone who is in a position to read exactly what's happening there.

    From what I've read it isn't one spouse, it's the whole social circle who can gauge this, but you know best, obviously.
     
  13. cassanova

    cassanova

    Sep 4, 2000
    Florida
    I'll let you in on a little secret. There doesn't have to be physical violence for it to be abuse. That is why it's called emotional/mental/financial abuse. Nor is it insulting to to those whom are physically abused. In fact, most people I've had to counsel in the domestic violence group did not physically abuse their partner, it was primarily emotional/mental abuse. Very few actually hit their partners. Interesting thing though, the women's group was actually quite the opposite.

    As you can see from the link provided, there is much more to abuse than physical aspects of it. I do still agree that he's a wimp for tolerating it though. But, I think he's tolerating it primarily out of fear. Financial fear, the fear of losing his daughter, and fear of the unknown.

    Am I Being Abused? « National Domestic Violence Hotline

    * Embarrass you with put-downs?
    * Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
    * Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
    * Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
    * Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
    * Make all of the decisions?
    * Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
    * Prevent you from working or attending school? .
    * Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
    * Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
    * Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
    * Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
    * Force you to try and drop charges?
    * Threaten to commit suicide?
    * Threaten to kill you?
     
  14. Tracebassplayer

    Tracebassplayer Sometimes Darkness Can Show You The Light.

    Dec 15, 2000
    Portland, OR
    Stockholm Syndrome
     
  15. I meant besides him, he's asking our advice, then telling some people they aren't certified counselors. No one here besides him is, so we can't help.
     
  16. Also, cassanova, you did the right(?) thing. This in my opinion is where you stop though, don't get other people involved, otherwise everything is fair game.
     
  17. Skitch it!

    Skitch it!

    Sep 6, 2010
    Easier to deal with strangers in a situation like this rather than friends, that's a bit close to home imo. I have completed certified training in substance abuse, child sexual abuse, and other facets of problems.

    I don't blame cass for his OP in this instance, it's not that easy.
     
  18. I have no problem with people asking for advice, no one knows everything, not even cass who seems like a really smart guy. What I didn't like was him telling someone they weren't a certified counselor so they didn't know. Maybe 1% of the people on TB are. So what we have is a couple pages of people's opinions that don't matter.
     
  19. jmattbassplaya

    jmattbassplaya

    Jan 13, 2008
    It's one thing to offer advice to someone. It's another thing entirely to lash out against said person (this isn't aimed towards you). I can't blame him for getting defensive given the tone this thread has taken over the past 2 pages.

    But to get back on topic, I still believe cassanova did the right thing. His friend is in an abusive relationship that he needs to get out of. Believe it or not, sometimes divorce actually is the best thing that can happen to a person and a family. If all of this man's family and friends think he needs to get out of this relationship then perhaps 'meddling' is the best thing cassanova can do to help him wake up.

    Maybe it's just me, but I can only pray that I'd have friends as good as cassanova if I were placed in the same situation.
     
  20. First of all, you don't choose to be dominated... unless you do, but that's a totally different conversation altogether and things could get kinky :p. Annnnnyway, I wonder if you're thoughts about a "40-something woman being dominated by her husband" would be the same? Would that not be abuse? I'm guessing you're just being (acting?):

    Rick+James-cold+blooded.jpg
     
  21. Primary

    Primary TB Assistant

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    Sep 17, 2021

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