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Criminal Intent

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by Mike Dimin, Sep 10, 2003.


  1. Mike Dimin

    Mike Dimin

    Dec 11, 1999
    Clinician: EA, Zon, Boomerang, TI. Author "The Art of Solo Bass"
    Bass player offenses/fines list
    > >
    > > Name of offender _____________________________
    > > Date of offense(s) _____ / _____ / _______
    > >
    > > Musical offenses
    > >
    > > Playing loudly during warm up - $10
    > > Sound-checking amp with funkslapping- $25
    > > Loud cursing after mistake - $10
    > > Playing high and fast after mistake - $20
    > > Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes - $20
    > > Asking for "E" tuning note - $25
    > > Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb - $50
    > > Playing written-out walking line - $50
    > > Failure to play written walking line - $75
    > > Writing note names over ledger-line notes - $50
    > > Writing beat numbers under dotted figures - $50
    > > Playing eighth notes - $5 each
    > > Playing sixteenth notes - $10 each
    > > Playing above 1st octave-immediate dismissal
    > > Dragging fast tempo - $75
    > > Dragging ballad tempo - $100
    > > Blacking out during ballad - $200
    > > Ignoring drummer's tempo - $100
    > > Following drummer's tempo - $250
    > > Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me - $1000
    > >
    > > Upright player offenses
    > >
    > > Showing up before first downbeat - $25
    > > Playing audibly - $25
    > > Faking changes - $25
    > > Slapping - $150
    > > Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass - $25
    > > Excessive sweating - $25
    > > Pedal point double-stops during horn solo - $50
    > > Asking leader for a solo - $30
    > > Accepting solo when offered - $50
    > > Taking second chorus - $100
    > > Playing solo arco - $400
    > > Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune - $25
    > > Playing "A Train" ending on every tune - $200
    > > Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune - $500
    > >
    > > Electric player offenses
    > >
    > > Checking hair between tunes - $15
    > > Experimenting with odd meters - $25
    > > Missing root at end of blistering fill - $25
    > > Playing with a pick - $50
    > > Tuning during ballad - $30
    > > Playing Jaco groove on samba - $75
    > > Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad - $150
    > > Attempting last word on final chord - $50
    > > Achieving last word on final chord - $100
    > > Long gliss down to final note - $200
    > >
    > > Equipment violations-electric
    > >
    > > Forgetting strap - $10
    > > Changing strings after every set - $15
    > > Using electric tuner - $15
    > > Setting up mic "just in case" - $75
    > > Forgetting to turn amp on - $40
    > > Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip - $50
    > > Asking horn player for help moving amp - $25
    > > Bringing custom-made bass - $100 per string above 4
    > > Bringing more than 1 bass - $100 per extra bass
    > > Skull decals on bass - $150
    > > Bringing fretless bass - $500
    > >
    > > Criminal bad taste
    > >
    > > Telling bone player about all the gigs you get - $10
    > > Asking bone player about their day gig - $10
    > > Sitting behind drums on break - $10
    > > Quoting "Birdland" - $25
    > > Practicing scales during break - $25
    > > Practicing scales during drum solo - $50
    > > Practicing - $150
    > > Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player" - $50
    > > Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that
    > >you are "into sequencing" - $100
    > >
    > > Basic stupidity
    > >
    > > Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt - $10
    > > Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt - $20
    > > Asking when the rock set starts - $20
    > > Continually asking "where are we?" - $25
    > > Continually shouting "Yeah!" - $25
    > > Asking bone player where "1" is - $50
    > > Taking cellphone call during 4's - $100
     
  2. christoph h.

    christoph h.

    Mar 26, 2001
    Germany
    well, i just calculated my total...

    $ 1050

    heh. those 5-string custom fretless basses sure are expensive.
     
  3. Mike Dimin

    Mike Dimin

    Dec 11, 1999
    Clinician: EA, Zon, Boomerang, TI. Author "The Art of Solo Bass"