"Curse of the Bass Player"

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous [BG]' started by Richard Lindsey, Jun 18, 2002.

  1. Richard Lindsey

    Richard Lindsey

    Mar 25, 2000
    Metro NYC
    A buddy of mine just passed this on to me, so I thought I would share.

    >In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a
    >Precision, but it could have been
    >a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old . . . definitely
    >And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was
    >very good in fact,
    >and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so
    >He let it be and He
    >created a man to play the bass. and lo the man looked upon the bass,
    >which was a beautiful
    >'sunburst' red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and
    >the note rang through the
    >earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to
    >be.) And it was good.
    >And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.
    >Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo
    >it was funky. And God
    >heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good. And
    >more time passed, and,
    >having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And
    >lo, the man came to have
    >upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until
    >the notes rippled like a
    >breeze through the heavens. And God heard this sound which sounded
    >something like the
    >wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the
    >movement of furniture,
    >which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased.
    >And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!" Now the man heard the
    >voice of God, but he
    >was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a
    >blizzard of funky notes.
    >And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in
    >confusion. (Some of the
    >Angels started to dance, but that's another story.) And God heard this -
    >how could He miss it -
    >and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen
    >man, if I wanted Jimi
    >Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."
    >And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But
    >now he had upon him
    >a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the
    >bass which God had
    >created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard
    >and play melodies high
    >up on the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the
    >commandment of the Lord, and
    >he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the
    >heavens rocked with the
    >assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.
    >Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the
    >man. And He said,
    >"O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a
    >soprano saxophone and it
    >shall play higher than you can even think of." "And from out of the
    >chaos I shall bring forth the
    >drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I
    >shall make you to always
    >stand next to the drummer."
    >"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps
    >to make thine ears bleed.
    >And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they
    >shall all be able to play
    >higher and faster than the bass." "And for all the days of man, your
    >curse shall be this; that all
    >the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low
    >notes. And if you play too high
    >or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall
    >hate it. And they shall tell you
    >you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their
    >bands. And for all your
    >days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them
    >in like a thief in the night."
    >"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the
    >bandstand and go to the bar for
    >a drink."
    >And it was so.
  2. gweimer


    Apr 6, 2000
    Columbus, OH
    This is basically the foreword to Tony Levin's book, Beyond the Bass Clef. Pretty funny.

    Edit (BW): "forward" is the opposite of "backward".
  3. Hategear

    Hategear Workin' hard at hardly workin'.

    Apr 6, 2001
    Appleton, Swissconsin
    I enjoyed it.
  4. Richard Lindsey

    Richard Lindsey

    Mar 25, 2000
    Metro NYC
    Wow, really? I didn't know that. A keyboard player sent it to me (wouldn't you know it).

    Edit (BW): See original post.