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Dealing with grief

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by FingerDub, Dec 4, 2017.

  1. Spectre1966

    Spectre1966 Striving For Mediocrity Supporting Member

    Jul 4, 2014
    Wallingford, CT
    My condolences on your loss.

    I lost my 21 year old son 3 years ago and it nearly crushed me. We were very close and didnt think I would make it through it. I think about him every day and miss him all the time. For me, concentrating on the good things when he was alive, meditating, talking to my wife (he was her stepson), and keeping myself occupied helped me through it. I also felt his presence alot and know he wanted me to move forward.

    Nothing can prepare you for losing a loved one and I wish you all the best.
    FingerDub and Stumbo like this.
  2. Sorry for your loss. I've lost both parents and a wife. There is no "right" way to grieve. It takes time. It helps if you (me) have someone to talk to, to be with. My parents have been gone for over 20 years and I still think of them daily. My wife has been gone 10 years. I'm married to someone I love even more, but I still miss her.
    Take the time you need. Let yourself heal. Things will get better. Your friend at TB are here for you with our thoughts and prayers.
    MJ5150, Spectre1966 and FingerDub like this.
  3. FingerDub

    FingerDub Banned

    Jan 8, 2016
    My god. My condolences back at you.

    Thank you. Between the both of you, I all of a sudden feel like I have it easy. I know it is not a competition or anything, but you have both been through way more than me.
    Stumbo likes this.
  4. jthisdell


    Jun 12, 2014
    Roanoke, VA
    Dealing with that is not at all easy. The more you are involved in their care the more there can be a sense of exhaustion and relief at the end, which can cause mixed feelings, guilt, etc. If you are not physically involved in the caretaking, etc. then you can have guilt, etc. for not being more involved. Been there both ways.
    FingerDub likes this.
  5. Tbone76


    Aug 24, 2013
    Upstate, NY
    Sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. My condolences. I lost my father unexpectedly when I was 18, and it took a pretty big toll on me, too. I had to help my mom to raise my 4 younger siblings, so I kind of put my grief on hold. That was not a good idea. In the end, the best thing that I found that helped was to talk to a friend that I trusted, and I was able to start the healing process for myself. This was over 20 years ago, and occasionally I still get a little emotional about it. Be strong, and you'll make it through. You have support to help prop you back up, either here on TB, your community, friends and family, and even professional therapists, if needed. If you're a religious sort, a good resource could be your church/synogogue/mosque/temple, etc. I don't know your personal habits, but please, don't turn to alcohol or drugs to bury the pain. I started to drink more frequently than I probably should have, and it definitely didn't help. Best of luck to you, and just know that we're here for you.
    FingerDub likes this.
  6. FingerDub

    FingerDub Banned

    Jan 8, 2016
    I've already been drinking more.
  7. buldog5151bass

    buldog5151bass Kibble, milkbones, and P Basses. And redheads.

    Oct 22, 2003
    I just went through it. As time goes on, things change, as you do deal with it.

    I did a number of things - spoke with friends and family, went back to my childhood home town to deal with some ghosts, held a memorial, did some crying.

    It takes time, and yes, it is tougher at times than you ever thought it would be. Seek a professional ear if you need to.

    But remember, in the end you remember the good stuff. That is what you take with you. You have my good vibes.
    FingerDub likes this.
  8. mellowinman

    mellowinman Free Man

    Oct 19, 2011
    I can only talk about my own experience. In Feb 2014 I lost my daddy to cancer at age 87. He left us to find his peace, and I had made my own peace with him, and when he passed away, I feel like the best of him passed into me. I try to think of the best times, and forget the worst; let them to have died with him, so to speak. I try to live my life in a manner that would make him proud. In life, he was as flawed as the rest of us. In death, he can be perfect, watching over us as his best self.
    shadowtippy and FingerDub like this.
  9. Tbone76


    Aug 24, 2013
    Upstate, NY
    Like another TB'er posted above, a good positive activity is exercise. The bottle is easy, trust me, but the negatives far outweigh the quick fix you get from it. Maybe start by taking a good walk through your neighborhood, just to start. Throw some music on and just take some time to collect your thoughts. Everyone deals with grief in their own ways, some more destructive than others. I see a lot of it day to day in my career, and trust me, alcohol isn't the answer. Please don't take this as being preachy. I just don't want to see you make the same mistake I and others like me have made. You've taken the best first step, imo, which is identifying that you may need help of some kind. That's huge, and it shows good character.
  10. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Apr 12, 2001
    Olympia, WA
    Keep a close eye on this buddy. Please.

  11. Westsailor


    Dec 12, 2009
    The thing I hope people take away from this is not to let a moment go by that you don't spend as much time with your loved ones as is Earthy possible. Especially parents. There is no other two people in the world that means as much to you as they do (and vice versa). You may not realize it now, but you will when they're gone.
    FingerDub, Tbone76 and buldog5151bass like this.
  12. buldog5151bass

    buldog5151bass Kibble, milkbones, and P Basses. And redheads.

    Oct 22, 2003
    Agreed. That can only lead to other problems, and will not help you in dealing with your feelings. Find someone to talk to, professional if necessary. From all of us who have been through this - you can, and will get through this.
    FingerDub, Tbone76 and MJ5150 like this.
  13. kesslari

    kesslari Groovin' with the Fusion Cats Staff Member Gold Supporting Member

    Dec 21, 2007
    Santa Cruz Mtns, California
    Lark in the Morning Instructional Videos; Audix Microphones
    Losing a parent is hard. Healing does happen.
    If you're a reader, I recommend Elizabeth Kubler Ross' book "On Death and Dying". It normalizes a lot of what you're going through, including normal stages of the grieving process.
    As others have said - counseling, or a support group, or friends. There is no more shame in seeking help for major emotional issues than for seeking a mechanic to fix your car's transmission.

    Hang in there.
    buldog5151bass, FingerDub and Tbone76 like this.
  14. slobake

    slobake resident ... something

    Sorry to hear this @FingerDub . I don't have any advice to add except keep talking like you have been here. It helps to realize that there is nothing wrong with us when we are grieving and we can choose to be alone or share it with good friends.
    I have posted this quote here before:

    “When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

    Henri Nouwen
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  15. bolophonic


    Dec 10, 2009
    Durham, NC
    When my father died, I felt like I had to sink to the bottom of the ocean and swim all the way back before I was functioning again. Years and years. That was almost 20 years ago. Fighting grief, or denying it, is the one of the worst things you can do. But you do have to teach yourself how to manage it.
    FingerDub, MJ5150 and Tbone76 like this.
  16. Sorry for your loss.

    I am closing in on three years since my dad passed suddenly at 70yo. We had a difficult relationship, due to divorce, alcoholism and related disfunctionality. That said - we were in a good place when he passed, following a challenging year for us. His passing helped me to put some things into perspective, which was a good thing.

    His passing hit me hard, and for about six months it was at the forefront of my mind, which actually was a good thing. Problem is - about six months in (fathers day, to be exact) I sorta shut it all off. It was just too painful. I had my last good cry and outpouring of emotion, and then shut down. I have largely remained that way - and it's not a good thing. This was not a conciouse decision, it just sorta happened. Anytime I start thinning and feeling, I find myself diverting my attention. Don't make that mistake.

    Not sure what i am saying here, except maybe, don't be afraid to go through it. It's going to hurt, but embrace it and don't shut it down like I did, and largely continue to do. This behavior, coping mechanism, whatever, has had a negative affect on my life. Like anything it ebbs and flows, but I have gone through periods of isolation, emotional numbness, of drinking too much, of sleeping half the day......lots of self defeating and destructive behavior.

    Crap - I don't mean to be a bummer. What I am trying to say is, find some help, professionally or not, just don't isolate yourself, and don't shut down. Anything and everything you are feeling right now is normal. Just don't be afraid to feel it. You'll be better of in the long run.
    Tbone76 and FingerDub like this.
  17. FingerDub

    FingerDub Banned

    Jan 8, 2016
    Thanks for taking the time to write that. I can definitely learn from it, I don't want that to be me I want to fight.
    JMacBass65 and Tbone76 like this.
  18. Glad it helped.

    I wrote all that before reading the other responses. You have received some excellent advice here from others. By default - so have I. This can really be a great community sometimes.

    I have a lot to take away from the responses I have read here, but this one really resonated with me. It's funny - right after my dad passed I had embraced this mindset, and it really helped. Somewhere along the way, I seemed to have lost the ability to keep this perspective. I'll let this serve as a reminder. Thanks, Mello.
    mellowinman and FingerDub like this.
  19. DavC

    DavC Supporting Member

    May 17, 2005
    Tallmadge , Ohio
    we all deal with 'loss' in different ways , at different rates ...

    your memories are still fresh in your mind ,... that's a Good thing .. ! i'd set aside a quiet time/space to reminisce and remember daily ... save those thoughts , that is where our lost loved ones will live on ... he'll be with you forever . ! that's a great thing .!

    and you physically need to grieve ... i'd cry in the shower .. ?! gotta get it out , let it out ... it's OK

    how will you know when you're kinda " over it " ... i think , if you can tell the story of a loved one's passing without breaking down ( a little choked up is fine ) ... then you're about there .. !

    then there's your own personal faith type beliefs ... whatever works for you ... works . !

    i always believed that , basically , ' energy can't be created or destroyed ' ... it just moves on
    FingerDub and JMacBass65 like this.
  20. blastoff99

    blastoff99 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Dec 17, 2011
    SW WA, USA
    I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you're posting about it here; I hope you also have friends IRL to talk to.

    I haven't yet had the grief of loss of a close relative, and although I've had plenty of other kinds of grief, I'm aware it isn't the same as what you're going through. So feel free to heavily discount what doesn't apply to you.

    My first statement was going to be 'there's no wrong way to grieve,' then I read the part about drinking. Well, there are wrong ways to grieve, and that's one of them. Please don't go down that road. Alcohol keeps you from feeling what you're feeling (perhaps why you're doing it), but as sucky as this is, you need to feel. Burying it might be expedient in the short run but never works out well in the long term. I'll also add that alcohol is a depressant. Sounds like you don't need to be any more depressed.

    Beyond that, nobody can tell you what is going to work for you. There are some excellent general suggestions in this thread, and I'd encourage you to try some of the oft-repeated ones. Gentle exercise helps some people. Freaking hardcore pass-out exercise helps others. Reading to kids at the library, walking dogs at the pound, pulling weeds from a charity's flowerbed... these are the sorts of things that help humans get out of their own heads and have the side effect of helping others.

    By getting out of your own head you won't make your dad any less gone. That happened and it sucks. But it may get you through one moment, and then you'll find something else to get you through the next one, and something else to get you through the next one. It is very difficult to be intentional about things when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and not leave bed for days, but intentional is what you have to be.

    There will be times when all you can do is cry. So do that. Grab a stuffed toy and bawl your guts out. Then get up, wash your face, and walk around the block. On a different day you may go to the desert or the woods or the beach and scream. Do that. Throw rocks at the water (or the trees or the cacti) and yell and swear. Then take deep breath, get back in your car, and do the next right thing. It's totally ok if this feels like going through the motions. But try to make them motions toward good, not harm.

    Wish there was something I could do, actually DO, to help.
    FingerDub, JMacBass65 and maxmaroon like this.

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