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Dealing with grief

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by FingerDub, Dec 4, 2017.

  1. DavC

    DavC Supporting Member

    May 17, 2005
    Tallmadge , Ohio
    i hope this will give you a moment of peace ..

    i wrote this tune not to long ago , to play at a relative's funeral ( a mentor and musical inspiration )

    Attached Files:

    MordBass and FingerDub like this.
  2. FingerDub

    FingerDub Banned

    Jan 8, 2016
    Very nice.
  3. Tom Bomb

    Tom Bomb Supporting Member

    Apr 23, 2014
    Two weeks is not a long time, @FingerDub. My heart bleeds for you. I'm so sorry you're struggling. You're very wise to reach out. Get some good help, especially with the sleeplessness - that should help a little.

    It's very encouraging, and humbling, to see so much maturity and wisdom in these pages. The advice here is warming and eminently sensible, sincerely, and a testament to talkbass. Kindness is the key. Be kind to yourself.

    Highlighting this from @Schlyder because it's such a wise and practical focus,
    Good going. Rest easy :)
    FingerDub likes this.
  4. SactoBass

    SactoBass A retired civil engineer who likes all-tube amps! Supporting Member

    FingerDub: Every post in this thread is excellent.

    Rather than repeat what others have said, I wish to suggest that you smile knowing that your Dad had the wonderful opportunity to live a full life. Not everyone gets to do that. Our 25 year old daughter was killed in a car crash seven years ago. She didn't get the opportunity to live a full life. I know you miss your Dad. I have lost my parents and I miss them very much, so I know how you feel. But be thankful that your Dad got to live a full life. It's a privilege that not everyone gets to experience.
  5. HeavyDuty

    HeavyDuty Supporting Curmudgeon Staff Member Gold Supporting Member

    Jun 26, 2000
    Suburban Chicago, IL
    Grief is a very personal thing, and every case is different. I can say the impact of losing my wife was much greater than losing a parent or grandparent, and I can only imagine what it’s like to lose a child or grandchild. When it comes to grieving, there is no normal - just do what feels right when it’s right.
  6. JRA

    JRA my words = opinion Supporting Member

    losing loved ones = tough stuff!

    FingerDub, if you are hurting beyond what you think are your limits: see someone. now. :thumbsup:

    both of my parents are gone: it hurts a lot! sorry that you are experiencing pain.
    Tbone76 and FingerDub like this.
  7. Son of Wobble

    Son of Wobble

    Mar 8, 2010
    So sorry about your daughter.
    I thought from your posts you were a guy in his late thirties, and I mean that as a compliment. You seem young of spirit and not embittered by what has clearly been some tough experience.
    SactoBass and Tbone76 like this.
  8. Joe Nerve

    Joe Nerve Supporting Member

    Oct 7, 2000
    New York City
    Endorsing artist: Musicman basses
    I'm in the process of losing my father right now to Pakinson's and cancer. I'm preparing myself mentally and emotionally as best I can but when he moves on it's going to be uncharted territory for me. That's been a day I've dreaded my entire life.

    I'm sure there's nothing anyone can say that will comfort you. As others have already suggested, time - and reaching out. I wouldn't shy away from grief counseling either. New experiences call for new coping tools and the best way to find them, IMO, is through others who have gone through, or are going through the same.

    My condolences. I'm sorry your suffering the way you are, but I believe that suffering can one day turn to something positive if you hang in there. Wishing you the best.
    FingerDub, Tbone76 and rtslinger like this.
  9. murphy


    May 5, 2004
    Toronto, Canada
    Please ask your doctor to refer you to a grief support/ counselling group

    dailystrength.org should have a support group that can offer online support from peers

    Get out of bed...bathe and shave.....get out...eat.....and surround yourself with friends who care and family

    You will get better....but it does take time.....But I promise you the pain will start to ease

    the stages of grief are non linear.....and take their own sweet time....but you will get there....Things will get better
    FingerDub, Tbone76 and JMacBass65 like this.
  10. So sorry for your loss. My wife just lost her stepfather Tuesday so I am right in the thick of it again myself with my kids struggling through the lost of another grandpa.
    I lost both my parents, there isn't a day goes by that they aren't in my thoughts. I struggled with it when my Dad passed because I was looking into his eyes when he went, the thing that helped me was I wrote a song about my experience, the words are as if I am speaking to my Dad and asking him if he was proud of the way I handle it hiding my tears and fears and being the strong one for my mom and other younger family members tears stained that page as I wrote it. Think of good times and the memories you shared together. They say there are stages you go through with the grieving process, and I agree to a point, moving on in my opinion is not the correct term, because you never really move on you just live life now missing them on occasions, but without the depression that comes in the beginning.
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2017
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  11. murphy


    May 5, 2004
    Toronto, Canada
    So true
    Tbone76 likes this.
  12. SactoBass

    SactoBass A retired civil engineer who likes all-tube amps! Supporting Member

    Thanks so very much SoW for that thoughtful post. Even though I am 61 years old, I refuse to let myself grow up. Quite frankly, I don't understand how I got to be 61 so dang fast! Playing bass, and riding motorcycles, helps me maintain my youth! :)

    And yes, it's always difficult to lose a loved one. All we can do is be thankful for the time they were here and the time we got to spend with them. Tomorrow is never a guarantee, so we should all live our lives to the fullest as our budgets allow. And be good to one another! :thumbsup:
    Tbone76 and Son of Wobble like this.
  13. jefff100

    jefff100 Supporting Member

    Jan 23, 2010
    Jersey Pine Barrens
    Sincere condolences, and my thoughts and prayers are with you. I lost my own father over 25 years ago, when I was only 22; he was 57 and fought a tough fight with brain and spinal tumors.
    Growing up he and I were constantly at odds, seemed we were always screaming at each other. That changed nearly overnight when I left home and went in the Navy, and we became close friends.
    There's nothing anywone here can say that will take the pain away, but it helps to talk to others about it, it really does. You've got a whole community of friends here to support you.

    As other's have said, if you feel you are at your limit, please seek help. No shame there brother.

    For me, I still think of him often still, I keep his memory alive with me and my main bass - my StingRay 5 - has his initials carved in the pick guard; that way he gets to go with me when I play; 'cause I know he would want to be there.
  14. Razman


    Feb 10, 2005
    Orange Park, FL
    My condolences for you OP, lost my dad suddenly just shy of two years ago. One tip I read as part of my healing research was not to suppress memories, thoughts, remembrances, etc. On the 1 year anniversary I wrote a letter to my siblings/step mom about some of my memories. While writing down the things I remembered, more came to mind - so much that I couldn't include all of it in my letter, and it helped me to appreciate him that much more. Things I had forgotten materialized out of my memory, and I'm glad they did. In addition to this practical approach, my faith and relationship with Christ have been the most help and support.

    A little over a decade ago my wife lost her mother. While sharing this news with my crass, ex-military barber, he shared one of the most touching revelations about death I've ever heard - and he was the last place I would have expected to hear something like this from.

    Basically, he explained that the loss we feel when a loved one dies - that violating feeling that death 'just ain't right', sorta like being robbed - is because God never intended for us to die. Originally, we were never supposed to experience it, or the loss of another person. It made me think and helped me deal with losses better since that time.

    Recently I installed new CV axles on my car. My dad loved working on cars; unfortunately I did not when I was young, and only do so out of necessity now. However, I have some of his tools, and I thought about him as I was trying to pound out the retaining keys on the inner shafts of the axles. He would have been proud of me (I think) or probably would have told me a better way he'd have done the job, lol. I felt like crying.

    I don't run from grief (well okay, sometimes - it's not always convenient) and have learned that it's OK to grieve. I like the other posts in this thread. I wish you all the best my friend.

  15. kesslari

    kesslari Groovin' with the Fusion Cats Staff Member Gold Supporting Member

    Dec 21, 2007
    Santa Cruz Mtns, California
    Lark in the Morning Instructional Videos; Audix Microphones
    @FingerDub how are you doing? Sending you positive thoughts.
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  16. FingerDub

    FingerDub Banned

    Jan 8, 2016
    Thanks Eric. Thanks for your story also. My dad was a bass player in the 60's and I think about him every time I pick up my bass since he passed. Here is my dad playing bass in the 60's through a single 10's speaker.

  17. FingerDub

    FingerDub Banned

    Jan 8, 2016
    Thanks Kesslari. I'm doing OK. So far I've not joined a grief group per se, but I have been going to temple with my stepmom for service Friday nights. I've been drinking some, but not for the last week, and finally went to the gym yesterday for the first time. So, little steps.

    In the meanwhile, I discovered that my brother knew my dad was going to die and could have called me so that I could have been by his side, but didn't. I am pretty angry about that. He called everyone else except for me.
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  18. Tbone76


    Aug 24, 2013
    Upstate, NY
    Good to hear that you’re taking some positive steps, that’s great. One day at a time, brother.

    As far as your brother, if I were you I’d probably wait a while before bringing that up with him, as hard as that might be. Give yourself time to start healing, and then approach it with an open mind and positive attitude. I have a feeling that if you bring it up now it’ll only cause more problems, and in the end you’ll be no better off. Best of luck to you and your family. Stay strong.
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  19. catcauphonic

    catcauphonic High Freak of the Low Frequencies Supporting Member

    Mar 30, 2012
    Seattle WA
    Waaaay too early for anyone to be telling you / expecting you to just get on with your life. In due time ... which could be a heck of a lot longer. Or bury it and feel it bubble up later (cuz it will come out eventually somehow!) Get a therapy appointment if you can budget that with or without insurance. Sorry, my bass brother :unsure: I feel for ya
    murphy, JMacBass65 and Tbone76 like this.
  20. Razman


    Feb 10, 2005
    Orange Park, FL
    Great pic FingerDub - that's nice being able to relate to him in some way and carry on the memory. I have a basic, chrome, adjustable pliers with 'RAS' etched into the side of it that I cherish (and still use) because it was my dad's, and he left his mark on it.

    My dad played accordion, and fortunately I never picked up the desire to learn that instrument. :D However, after 40+ years he was pretty darn good at it, and still learning! He was always very mechanically inclined (and quite a character too I might add) so for his last 'gig' he put a frog puppet atop a hi-hat stand and added brushes to play a snare drum. He played regularly at a coffee shop with a guitarist and horn player, billed as "Hoppy and Friends" Enjoy, if you like:

    His widow recently sent me some copies of an album he recorded while in one of his bands, "The Good Guys". I lent one to a friend to record it digitally for me as I don't have a turntable right now, but this was him in that group:
    the good guys.

    He was in another band called "The Cavemen" but I don't have any pics of them or music. I do have one of the posters they used for advertising their gig. I attached it and some other pics of my dad, not to derail your thread, but hopefully to brighten your day - they're pretty funny, and illustrate his wit and humor. They bring back good memories for me, so I hope get some enjoyment out of them and hope knowing that better days are ahead. May today be a better day than yesterday.


    PS- after he passed, his widow gave me some of his jackets. In one of the pockets of the last one I tried on (went through them after bringing them home) I found a fortune cookie slip that he saved which said, "Happier days are definitely ahead for you. Struggle has ended." :crying:

    Attached Files:

    Last edited: Dec 14, 2017

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