A couple of things in your post have given me an opening to share something I was going to share the other night, but chose not to, as I don't want to be seen as making this thread about me. It's funny how we mark time, or understand time. My Dad passed on December 19th, yet that's not the day that hits me the hardest, his passing is marked in my mind (but not my half siblings) by a different calendar. This Tuesday, evev Chanukah, marked the last time I saw my Dad alive. It was a good day, his second day of consciousness following a medically induced coma after emergency heart surgery. He was weak, but able to talk a bit, joke a bit. I read him a passage my wife had recomended from the AA Big Book. He shared an old story of his mom throwing the Big Book at him when he suggested it might help her as it helped him. He was in good spirits, and his doctor was very positive about his prognosis. As it was late in the afternoon, I eventually told him I had to go, as I had a three hour drive to get home for the first night of Chanukah. I told him we'd save some latkas for him that he could have later, with doctors permission, and that I'd see him next week. I still remember vividly saying goodby and walking out of his room. Three days later I got the call from his wife that he died suddenly, likely after throwing a clot following a coughing fit. I'll be lighting a yahrzeit candle tonight, marking three years since he passed, and will have an Aliyah this Saturday at services. I mention all of this because I found the rituals Jews observe following the death of a loved one very helpful. In fact, experiencing these for the first time when my father in law passed away was a key factor in my decision to convert. I hope you continue to draw strength from wherever you can, and remember it's a process that never really ends. This stretch of days here are hard for me, yet also helpful. The feelings I so often bury come to the surface, and it is cathartic. Don't be afraid to feel, all of it.