Dear Ex-Wife

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by NJL, Oct 14, 2005.

  1. NJL


    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio
    Dear Husband:

    I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

    These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

    P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

    Your EX-Wife

    Dear Ex-Wife

    Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

    P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

    Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
  2. Scottie Johnson

    Scottie Johnson

    Sep 8, 2004
    ^ The American Dream. Well, mine at least.
  3. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Terrific Twister

    Apr 12, 2001
    Lacey, WA
    I have heard that a few times before. Still makes me laugh each time I read it. Thanks.

  4. cheezewiz


    Mar 27, 2002
    Well, if that were me, one of the first things I'd do would be to fly to down under and buy Steph a drink (if she's of legal age of course). She deserves it for all my tan line comments the past year or so :)
  5. NJL


    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio
    :D Thanks for being a sport!

  6. Dan1099

    Dan1099 Dumbing My Process Down

    Aug 7, 2004
    She's not. That's what makes the tan line comments so amusing. :D
  7. Dan1099

    Dan1099 Dumbing My Process Down

    Aug 7, 2004
    And besides, how would the wife take that? Honey, I just won the lottery, and I'm flying to australia to take this 17 year old I've been hitting on for the last year and get her liqoured up. I'll see you in a bit!
  8. cheezewiz


    Mar 27, 2002
    Well, first of all, what is legal age in Australia? :D

    Secondly, I'd guess if we won the lottery, the wife could give a crap what I did as long as she got to go shopping alot! ;)
  9. Phil Mastro

    Phil Mastro

    Nov 18, 2004
    In canada she is, cuz you know what we say about the legal drinking age in canada, "it's only a suggestion"
  10. Dan1099

    Dan1099 Dumbing My Process Down

    Aug 7, 2004
    I was wondering when you'd show up. :smug: Too much new CSI on TV to spend time with your pals on TB?
  11. bassman314

    bassman314 I seem to be a verb, an evolutionary process... Gold Supporting Member

    Mar 13, 2005
    Bay Area, CA
  12. FireBug


    Sep 18, 2005
    The same with speed limits. They are really just suggestive guidelines. For me anyway... :meh:
  13. And new episodes of House.

    Er, I mean, if you weren't all paying me out, I'd visit more often. :spit:
  14. simpy1


    Mar 31, 2005
    New Zealand
    Well I assume Aussie is the same as New Zealand, and our ages are:

    Sex: 16
    Booze: 18
    Cigarettes: 18
    Gambling: 20

    Pretty funny how you can have sex at 16 but not smoke.
  15. I think it's the same, 'cept you can gamble at 18 too I think. But I don't know.

    Too busy watching CSI... :spit: Dan1099... :p