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Deep Thoughts............

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Cantstandsya, Oct 23, 2005.

  1. Cantstandsya


    Jul 27, 2001
    Fontana, CA
    "I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."

    "If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."

    "When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."

    "Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see."

    "A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

    "Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door."

    "One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."
  2. NJL


    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio
    Jack Handey was from San Antonio. I just learned that the other day.
  3. AuG


    May 22, 2005
    Fort Collins, CO

    Hilarious. :D

  4. NJL


    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio
    Bwah hahahahaahahhaah!!!!


    This one is SOOOOOOOOOO Brad Cook (digme)!!!

    :D :D :D
  5. Bard2dbone


    Aug 4, 2002
    Arlington TX

    I like these two best. But then again I think it's funny to picture my daughter getting baptized in a few weeks, with little bits of alka-seltzer in her pockets, so that when the preacher dunks her she raises up all fizzy and says " It burns! It burns!" :eyebrow:
  6. NJL


    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio
    "Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house, and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern, with a knife stuck in the side of its head, with a note that says "you". After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."

  7. Vox Populi

    Vox Populi Reggae Loving Honkey

    Jan 27, 2004
    Poulsbo, WA
    I love deep thoughts.

    "If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something."

    "At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be 'Clark Kent, Dentist,' because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, 'How's my back tooth?' and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, 'Oh it's okay,' then the patient would probably say, 'Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?' and you'd say, 'Aw f*ck you, get outta here,' and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill."

    "Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, 'Think again, bat man.'"

    "I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him."

    "Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?"

    My favorites are bolded. But I love them all.
  8. Philbiker

    Philbiker Pat's the best!

    Dec 28, 2000
    Northern Virginia, USA
    Google "Deep Thoughts" + "Jack Handey" for hours of laughs.