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Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by duct_tape, Sep 21, 2002.

  1. Hi every one here,
    i was just wondering how u guys dealt with divorce im going though a real rough one and my dad says hes probably going to live in the bush if things come out against hime because my mom wants child support and spuosal support and he cant pay that because he has to pay a hole bunch of other **** and that he would hav to spend more then what he would earn so im ****ed
    and i was just wondering how you guys (and girls)
    dealt with it
  2. Pacman

    Pacman Layin' Down Time Staff Member Gold Supporting Member

    Apr 1, 2000
    Omaha, Nebraska
    Endorsing Artist: Roscoe Guitars, DR Strings, Aguilar Amplification
    I went through a divorce. I hired a lawyer who was a snake.

    And I drank a lot....
  3. notduane


    Nov 24, 2000
    I think Eric's askin' how to cope with parent's gettin' divorced,
    but I agree with Mr. P...
    Ditto :)

    I danced a jig
    I ate 3 meals a day
    I bought some new clothes
    I got my teeth fixed
    I bought a lotta' basses
    I bought a few amps
    new stereo, minidisc player/recorder, this here computer, etc. ...

    I could put blunt instruments & sharp objects in plain sight

    Life is good :D

  4. My folks are going through the same thing. Started just this week. But i support my mums idea fully. and so does my brother.

  5. my parents divorced wen i was about 3, so i don't remember it, but the way my dad got out of paying all that money was by dissapearing, we know people who know where he is but they won't tell us.

    if your dad can't afford all this money that your mum is asking for, you try telling her, maby if she hears it come from your mouth she might take some more notice

    sorry i can't be of more help


  6. Gabu


    Jan 2, 2001
    Lake Elsinore, CA
    I am sorry to hear about your folks divorce. My only suggestion is to remember to call your friends when you are down. Don't go through it alone.
  7. Jeff in TX

    Jeff in TX Supporting Member

    Nov 1, 2000
    Lone Star State
    This is great advice. I, too am so sorry to hear about this. I can't imagine how difficult it must be.

    I am the father of 2 boys - 7 and 8. I know the best thing I can do for them is to be a good husband to my wife. I never want my kids to go thru a divorce.

    Try and talk to your mom. It's not just about them. In fact, it needs to be more about you.

    Good luck.
  8. My parents waited until all us kids (4 of us) were grown and out of the house before they divorced. Being the second youngest, I had to live with constant arguing and (their) unhappiness for quite a few years. I was actually relieved when it was over - it polarized the family for awhile, but after a few years I actually developed a better relationship with each of them individually then when they lived together. It helped me get closer to my father before he died a few years ago, and I am pretty close to my mother these days, and my siblings. Sorry you have to go through it, but (not knowing your age) it may be a bit easier to deal with it now then to see years of bickering.
  9. thanks for all your help but my mom wont listen and if things dont go right i cant see my dad because i wont know where he is
  10. im really sorry to hear that you're getting divorced, i think this has to be a hard time for you guys.
    my parents also got divorced wheni was 3 and then my dad disappeared and some dudes knowwhere he is but they wont tell (ditto @ wotnwhy)
    my suggestion is that you and your folks take care of the kid together
    you could move in with your folks or next door to them which would be great
    when my parents first got divorced my mom moved next to her mom's place so they could take care of me together (2 r better than 1) and they kept that on 'til i was 7 thats when i got on my own feet and started helping an electrician at his work for additional cash and i didnt need a lot of help from my mom or anyone i think that by that time your kid'll also get to know whats happening and will try to help with everytrhing

    - i just translated this stuff from mohammed's words (islamic prophet)

    well good luck now and keep us posted on whats happening
  11. Max

    Max Supporting Member

    Feb 14, 2000
    Bakersfield, CA
    duct tape, you have the right to write a letter directly to the judge that is handling your parents' divorce and tell him what your feelings are.
  12. rayzak


    Jan 13, 2001
    Louisville, KY
    Duct_tape... i'm truly very sorry that you have to be caught up in this emotionally trying time. I can't imagine how painful it must be for you.
    I am in the final stages of divorce from my wife. We have 2 beautiful kids; a son who is 9 and my beautiful daughter who is 5. It's very difficult for all people involved. My daughter seems to be coping fairly well, but my son is having a difficult time. Sorry, this is getting off topic.
    I don't understand what your father is getting all upset about. He needs to hire a lawyer and the state generally has a fairly standard law for how child support and custody are granted. Does your mom work? How long have they been married? I mean yeah, the man generally bears the majority of the financial burden while the mother generally is granted physical custody.
    Whatever happens, DO NOT blame their divorce on yourself. Understand that both of your parents love you very much and your father is probably having a difficult time coping with the thought of him giving a generous portion of his income to your mother. He's probably venting and feeling a bit sorry for himself. He's going through lifestyle change and is probably terrified. Try to be patient my man. Things always seem to work themselves out over time. Try to keep a positive frame of mind and let the adults be adults and you just try to be all that YOU can be. Private message me if you would like to talk about anything on a more private level.
  13. basslax


    Apr 20, 2000
    Washington, DC
    my parents were seprated when i was 10.. it was pretty bad because i didnt see it coming at all. my dad moved out and my mom really didnt want me and him to have a relationship (my sisters kind of hated him, but i was too young to see his wrongdoing) but legally she had to let me see him if i wanted. so me and my sisters (3 and 7 years older) would go out to dinner and stuff, but he never payed child support or any money at all to my mom, who was working at a school and could not afford much. before the speration, we were pretty well off because my dad was a laywer.

    anyway.. my dad was absolutely horrible throughout it all, bought me stuff for birthday and stuff to win me over, but didnt so s*** for my mom. it took five years to finalze the divorce in court, just because he was being so stubborn. he has now lost his job due to the fact that he was just a bad person and no one wanted to be around him after they saw what he did.

    i now say that im glad i dont have him as a father, that he is not here just because he is quite the a**hole. people who have not been treated so badly cannot believe it when i say that, but until your own father does somethign like that to you and the people you care about, you will not fully undestand.

    in a way i feel bad for him, but i still will never have a functional relationship with him. i have not talked to him this year, and it was very akward when we were together, he was never really my father.

    hmm well i guess that doesnt do much for you, but just be happy that both your parents love you, or at least it seems to me. hopefully it will go smoothly.
  14. Jeff in TX

    Jeff in TX Supporting Member

    Nov 1, 2000
    Lone Star State
    Maybe try and write each of them a letter. They may be much more absorded with their own problems than attempting to understand that you're an innocent victim here. Their key concern should be about doing what's right for you - not their own "needs".

    Regardless, as has been said, this is not your fault. Talk to your friends. Talk to us. PM anyone you think can help or just listen. We are more than willing to help you thru this.

  15. well that helped me quite a bit more but still my dads like 15000 dollars in dept his credit cards are almost maxed out and his truck is starting to break donw again and my mom doesnt make much money either but i dont see why my dad has to pay my mom for child support when she has the better education and all that stuff it just gets me so down when my dad gets a letter from his lawyer saying my mom wants this and that and last january she verbaly agreed to 25000 dollars and just a day before he was gunna give it to his lawyer to give it to my mom he got a letter saying she wants more so that just pisses me of and i dont have an appetite and i didnt eat for like 2 days after he got that letter and probably only got about 8 hours of sleep between those 2 days i just hate the stupid gavernment my dad showed me a news story of this guy who hung himself because he had to py 3 times as much to his wife in spousal suport and child support then he earned and thats sort of whats going on to here wed only have 50 bux a month to us without the cost of food so hed be ****ed and i wouldnt have a dad anymore
    even though it happenes anyways i just dont want to now
  16. Aaron


    Jun 2, 2001
    Bellingham, WA
    Well, my parents have been seperated on and off for over 3 years. They are too poor to get a lawyer and too lazy/ "busy" to go through the paperwork. My dad is a deadbeat and my mom is an alcoholic, so i don't really care.
  17. WEll, I'm currently going through a separation which will lead to a divorce in 2 years time. My main concern at the moment is for my son - who'll be 4 in December!

    He seemes to be OK, and quite happy coming to see me - I'm staying with my parents for now, until we can organise and split our assest and resolve the marital debts!

    My wife seems to be relying on us (my parents and I) a lot right now to look after him - especially at the weekends! This is cool, 'cos I get to see him a lot (I just hope she's OK)

    Anyway, we grew apart a long time ago (probably for the passed couple of years we've had little in common), and it got worse to the point where I decided it was best to move out - like Pacman, I'd been drinking a lot to get through it, easy at the time, scary to look back on the extra hassle I was giving myself.

    Unfortunately my wife and I don't see eye to eye, so we're having to use solicitors to mediate, but I'm lucky in that I have a good job, an a good salary, and right now I'm paying all of the houehold bills for her (she doesn't work). I don't mind, my son benefits and it means she doesn't have to find just any old crappy job! Although she still hates my guts!

    duct_tape I hope things get better for you, you parents need to put the children first. I'm doing that with my son (although, my situation seems better thatn your dad's!). Kids need to be looked after during a time like this - it's all to easy for parents to feel hurt and only look to solve the issues within. Kids need to be given special consideration.

    People just need to try to be reasonable at times like this so that everyone can get on. We've all got lives to lead, but kids don't deal with these things too well, unless they get a lot of consideration and attention.

    OK, I'm rambling now. Anyway, hope it works out.

    duct_tape (or anyone else for that matter that wants to) - feel free to PM me to talk, chat, rant, vent whatever. Your on a different side to me - between us we may be able to give each other ideas and keep each other sane!!!
  18. ldiezman


    Jul 11, 2001
    My parents are divorced... they have been divorced for about 17 years now.. but there are still problems..

    My dad is a lawyer and he knows exactly how to worm his way around everything. He puts everything in my step-mothers name so that he claims he only makes X amount per year (and his said amount is that of a teachers salary) yet he has nice cars and takes numerous trips around the world each year. So when he was paying child support... he wasn't paying much of anything.....

    He is paying for college though.. big deal.. I'm on scholarship... so divorces can suck... some aren't so bad.. but Some people just suck at being married..
  19. superfreak

    superfreak Unregistered

    Aug 18, 2002
    Clarksville, TN
    Duct, I am so very sorry to hear about you parents. Divorce is very hard on all parties. However, I feel it is harder on the children. My mother divorced several times, and I guess I blocked it all out. (Good thing I guess)...Anywho, here on talkbass you have a family who loves you and supports you and we will be here when ever you need us. Keep your chin up, and know that this will be over soon. Rely on your friends and family for moral support and a shoulder to cry on. It is ok to cry. I know it is easier said then done, but let the adults work through the money situation, and you be there to support them emotionally as much as you can. I don't know your parents or their situation, so I will not say who is right and who is wrong. However, if your mom has a good education, maybe she should use it to her advantage and get a better job to support you all. I am a single mother and doing it on my own...not easy, however, I do what I can to make my daughter happy. Duct, get some food and sleep, you will feel better on a full stomach and full nights rest. Good luck sweetie.
  20. Hah, my parents' divorce took NINE years - count 'em - NINE FRICKIN' YEARS TO FINALIZE!!! And a f**king MONTH later my father was back at the bloody lawyers wanting to make changes! ARG!

    As you may have guessed I do harbour a wee bit of anger against him and it seeps out as biting sarcasm :)

    Divorce is a motherf**ker... I swear I will never get married...


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