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Do you get sick of having to always be the bigger person?

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by cassanova, Apr 11, 2009.

  1. cassanova


    Sep 4, 2000
    We had just got done having a rehearsal in the performing arts center at my campus when a friend and I were suddenly started talking in class about the effects marijuana has on the human body. A student, (that also happens to be a friend of ours and president of the club that we're all in), brought her 10 year old daughter to class that day because she couldn't find a baby sitter.

    Well, she did not like the conversation that was being held and very rudely snapped/yelled at me and told me to change the subject because she didn't want her daughter to hear it.

    I can understand her point, but I don't like being yelled at by anyone and seldom do I tolerate it, so I snapped back at her telling her that I shouldn't have to watch what I say in a a collegiate environment because her 10 year old child doesn't belong there and how if she can't find a sitter she needs to just stay home. This only escalated and eventually she grabs her daughter and storms out of there in tears.

    After all is said and done the VP of the club chews me out, The poor professor is there telling us both (m and the VP) that we both have valid points and both suggest that I be the bigger person and apologize to her for snapping at her. A lot of other stuff was said that involved some hostilities between the VP and I, but I won't get into that.

    Now, this gal and I have had our differences all term long, primarily about music and she has this real nasty habit of always being a mega bitch to me when I say something she doesn't like or when present an idea that she doesn't like. The rest of the group will love the idea, but if she doesn't like it, so it's sarcastically shot down by her. The end result is usually me getting defensive and telling her off too, but after all is said and done, I'm always the bigger person and always apologizing.

    I'm really sick of always taking the high road and being the bigger person and do not want to play that role this time. I don't start the arguments, I finish them, yet I'm the one always pegged as the ass for it and now I'm an even bigger ass to them because I refuse to be the bigger person this time.

    I'm pretty sure others here have been in similar situations. What do you do, how do you handle situations like these? Don't you get fed up with always having to step up and be the better person when you know that you really don't warrant having to do that? There's gotta come a time when the other person has to be the bigger person, no?

    BTW, I do feel bad about making her cry and have a breakdown. But damn, she needs to learn to keep her mouth shut and not yell/snap at others either, because she is not the only one that has feelings or personal issues going on in life.
  2. MakiSupaStar

    MakiSupaStar The Lowdown Diggler

    Apr 12, 2006
    Huntington Beach, CA
    No pics. No milf.
  3. vene-nemesis

    vene-nemesis Banned

    Jul 17, 2003
    Bilbao EspaƱa
    I thougth this was going to be about fat ppl....

    Man up, say sorry. Then make her look like an idiot every single time you can and if she yells at you you better yell at at her at a higher volume till she gets the message that shes not the one in charge...
  4. hbarcat

    hbarcat Supporting Member

    Aug 24, 2006
    Rochelle, Illinois
    It is my respectful opinion that you are in the wrong on this one. Your discussion in front of a 10 year old which virtually endorses using illegal drugs isn't proper under any circumstances (the fact that it's a collegiate environment doesn't change the fact that you knew she was there). There is no reason why you couldn't have postponed your conversation for another time.

    In any case, what's wrong with acting like "the bigger person"? It doesn't cost anything to apologize and if you don't feel like apologizing to promote good will then I would think it's a fine thing to just smile and forget about the incident.

    I just don't think there's really any virtue in the alternative of arguing your case in a belligerent manner whenever you have a disagreement with a person. Sometimes there are personality clashes and it's obvious you have one with this woman. It seems to me your post is asking for permission to tell her off whenever you have a disagreement and feel good about doing it. If she really is sarcastic and bitchy (as you said) then the moral high road would be to resist the temptation to stoop to her level and just ignore her.

    IMO, of course.
  5. XtreO


    Jan 2, 2008
  6. Stumbo

    Stumbo Wherever you go, there you are. Supporting Member Commercial User

    Feb 11, 2008
    the Cali Intergalctic Mind Space
    Song Surgeon slow downer software- full 4 hour demo
    See a pattern there?

    She acts like that because she thinks she ups the odds in getting her way. By raising her voice she injects drama into situations where no drama need exist because she might not get her way.

    I'm sure she uses the same techniques with others and especially with her daughter (poor kid-mental/emotional abuse) when she wants her way so I wouldn't take it personally.

    She keeps acting like that because no one in power will give her a consequence that matters.

    I suggest you speak with the someone who can and is willing to give her a consequence that matters for her on going rude behavior. I would document her rude behaviors (date/time/place/issue) so you have specifics.

    Both the rude behavior and her crying are part of the same personality defect: manipulation of others for her own benefit.

    First she verbally attacks and then when things keep going and she doesn't want to play any more, she cries.

    Sounds like a 1.5 year old kid. You didn't make her cry. Unless somebody hit her on the head, she's crying for effect. And she got it. Now others think you're the bad guy. See how she does that.

    She knows which of your buttons to push to get the emotions stirred up. You can't take her seriously since she does this all the time for any reason. How seriously would you take a guitar player's advice on how to play bass? Ignore her emotions. Question her logic. I suggest taking a logic class as one or your electives at your school

    IMO, you don't owe her an apology. Just point out the fact that she could have asked you quietly to change the subject and you would have complied. It's her emotional nastiness that you're responding to. If you subtract the emotion out of her verbal communications, then you'll see that she really doesn't have much logic to go on other than she want things done her way.

    I know it's hard but it's to your benefit to learn not to respond with emotion to people like this.
    Think of a music theory class and the way it's taught. Would you learn it better if the professor cursed, yelled and cried? (well, maybe some would) But emotion doesn't change the content of music theory, math or science. Emotion is great in the theater but for most things it is used to over come logic.

    You'll meet plenty more people like this (and much smarter) who will attempt to manipulate you (sometimes very subtly) for their own benefit. You'll be much happier when you can distinguish these behaviors for what they are. Books like "Dealing with Difficult People" and other like it will go along way to helping you work with the jerks in your life.

    Anyways, I'm just sayin....
  7. Nyarlathotep

    Nyarlathotep Banned

    Feb 5, 2006
    West Coast of Canada
    Since im never the bigger person.... no ;) :p
  8. Fontaine


    Apr 27, 2006
    DIAB, she'll love it.
  9. cassanova


    Sep 4, 2000
    It wasn't endorsing drugs, it was a conversation about how marijuana effects the human body, if anything, I'd be more inclined to say it would be reasons not to do drugs.

    I do somewhat agree with you, the conversation could have been put on hold, but the overall point is, that it shouldn't have to be put on hold even if we knew the kid was there or not as she has no business being there.

    Because I'm always the one to do that and quite frankly, I'm sick of it now. This time I feel her actions were in the wrong and provoked me to do what I did. it really wouldn't kill her to be the bigger person this time

    Agreed and believe or not, I do that as well, just sometimes it doesn't always pan out that way.
  10. cassanova


    Sep 4, 2000
    I totally see a pattern there. The problem is she is the power. She's the president of the club, I'm just the treasurer. The professor is the adviser, but as misfortune has it she is powerless, all decisions are finalized by madam president, most of which never go up for a vote. I do try to challenge her power when its required though. One thing I also do is play devils advocate a bit. I present the side of the coin that goes against what she likes or thinks, she and the VP view this as me just being an ass and difficult, I tried to explain to them that by doing this it presents every possible side of the scenario which in turn helps to make a more informed decision. They also view that as challenging her power, I myself think differently.

    The only someone I think that I could could speak with in power would be one of the higher administrative staff members. To quote the professor, "I could get in big trouble for letting her bring her kid to class, but I do it to be nice and as a favor to her." That tells me she knows she's breaking the rules but So if I took it higher then I'd be putting my professor in the hot seat and that ultimately would create a huge backlash for me. But I think you have a good idea by keeping a log of times and dates and what was said/how it was said.

    That is what I told her best friend/VP of the club, how if she didn't snap at me then I wouldn't have done the same. She said she will talk to her about it.

    Agreed, and I have gotten much much better at it.

    I've been reflecting on a lot of this junk and when peaceful or even said with anger, in the long run, she has more often than not proved herself wrong, so Wednesday when I have to see her again, I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut not say a word to her or anyone else and take comfort in the fact that she, in time, will only be proven wrong again.
  11. backline112

    backline112 Guest

    Jun 3, 2008
    I also thought this was going to be about McDonald's and how the economy is making people obese.

    Anyway, with all due respect, how old are you? 39?

    I once heard someone say (which I will translate): It's never the fault of the one who doesn't understand, but the speaker's fault.

    Since I heard that, I've been apologizing when people don't understand me. I should be the one intelligent enough to hold a decent conversation, and if I'm intelligent enough I should be able to understand what stupid people are trying to say.

    My point is, try to have a more positive attitude, cultivate your patience, communication skills (not that they're bad, just saying that you should be able to manage, with the right words, people like that,) and in the end, people around you/her will notice her bitch attitude. Only she'll be the one missing the point of what life is about.
    Just imagine how the world would be if everyone adopted this learning attitude.

    Dude you're 39, my dad is 42, and from my experience with him, at your age one starts to care less about a lot of things, so do yourself a big favor and just ignore/let be people like that.

    Yeah, I'm 19, what the f*** do I know, right?

    Stumbo made good points.
  12. NJL


    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio
    john, i'm with you on this one.

    don't take a kid to a bar unless you want them to see adult activity.

    don't take a kid to a higher learning institution if they can't handle mature conversation.

    did the whambulance take her daughter into a "human sexuality" class? probably not, because she shouldn't want her daughter to see a ballzak, va jay jay or even a canoe driver up close on the projection screen...hell, i'm 32 and if i were in that class i'd be acting like a ten year old when they passed around the rubber penis, i'd more than likely slap the person sitting in front of me with it a few times on the face to let them know it's there turn to inspect it. - a ten year old probably can't and shouldn't understand this mature setting, why would one understand adult conversation about mary jane's effect on the human body?

    the kid doesn't belong there, sorry. get a sitter. is this fair? nope, but life isn't fair EVER!!

  13. Joe Gress

    Joe Gress

    Dec 22, 2005
    Pueblo, CO
    Well, I just figured out my maturity level when I was rolling on the floor after reading that. :oops:
  14. MakiSupaStar

    MakiSupaStar The Lowdown Diggler

    Apr 12, 2006
    Huntington Beach, CA
    Obviously she's hot. We wouldn't be talking that much about her if she wasn't.
  15. NJL


    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio
    and CERTAINLY don't bring a kid anywhere near a NJL reply post. :p
  16. Nyarlathotep

    Nyarlathotep Banned

    Feb 5, 2006
    West Coast of Canada
    +1.... sigh....
  17. Joe Gress

    Joe Gress

    Dec 22, 2005
    Pueblo, CO

    Hey, if you can't laugh at dick and fart jokes, there is something wrong with you.
  18. Nyarlathotep

    Nyarlathotep Banned

    Feb 5, 2006
    West Coast of Canada
    Well, after actually reading the OP (LOL):

    That would be like some customer being in the back of the store I work at, and then complaining about our immaturity back there. Mary Jane is the tamest thing that comes up.....

    10 year old shouldn't have been there. I don't know about the uni's and colleges here, since I have no kids, and even less about the one you're at, but is there a baby sitting area on campus where she can plunk the kid?
  19. DigMe


    Aug 10, 2002
    Waco, TX
    Only in the locker room.


  20. NJL


    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio
    and this is from a person who tells sharks, "wanna get nuts?"

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