Edit my essay!

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by Mike Money, Sep 25, 2003.

  1. Mike Money

    Mike Money In Memoriam

    Mar 18, 2003
    Bakersfield California
    Avatar Speakers Endorsing Hooligan
    You wont be much help unless you have actually seen the Truman show and remember it well.

    My topic is "Christof sees himself as a deity"

    Have you ever taken a look at the people around you? Have you noticed that some people have a holier than thou attitude and like to think they are God? It is not all that uncommon to know someone who thinks Jesus died and made them God. These people talk like they are superior beings to everyone else, and like to believe they are better than everyone else. From the way Christof sets up his offices in the heavens of the dome, and the way he dresses in priest-like garb, it is obvious that he sees himself as God-Like.

    Christof's dress is very preist-like. It is very plain, not excessive in anyway. This is not something normal for a television director. Usually directors are a little bit on the wild side of clothes; artist hat, leather boots, and some crazy style pants. Christof dresses the way he does because everything he has accomplished has gone to his head. He created a world for Truman, complete with oceans, forests, streams, a sun, and all different types of weather. He accomplished a God-like feat, and that could easily cause someone to get over confident and think they are comparable to God.

    Furthermore, he places his offices up in the heavens of the dome. Traditionally, God watches over the earth from the heavens. Christof watches over Truman's world from up in the sky. This is an even greater sign that he sees himself as a deity than the way he dresses. He sits up in his control center, constantly watching Truman, like God is constantly watching us. Marlon and all the other people around Truman are even like Christof's missionaries, in a way. They go to Truman, and try to get him to do what Christof wants him to do. That is exactly what missionaries do. They travel around the world, feed the hungry, and then try to convince them to follow the ways of their God.

    Christof feels inadequate. That is why he feels the need to have total control over an innocent persons live. That is why he created this world, in an attempt to be seen as a God. From his mannerisms in the film, his dress, and the way he has set up the world which he built for Truman, it is quite simple to see that he wants to be seen as an equal to a higher power and that he feels the need to be
  2. Wrong Robot

    Wrong Robot Guest

    Apr 8, 2002

    done and done :D
  3. You could do another paragraph about how christof says he is sheltering truman from the real world which is cruel and mean, yet truman has never experienced it...christof thinks he knows best....something like that


    Jun 1, 2003
    Orlando, FL
    well, im in AP english: language and composition right now and we study all the methods of developement and all that poo (basically how to write exceptional papers...) and i consistently get 8s and 9s (9 is the highest you can get) on my papers, so heres my effort

    might wanna lay off the religious stuff here, dunno depends on teacher...

    i would suggest making a clearer connection between this type of person and christof, not just wam bam thank you mam heres my thesis. it would make the intro much smoother, and a good intro is vital in an essay. also, put the things in the order they are in your paper. i.e. put from the way he dresses first and the other second because thats the order you have it in your paper. just helps the paralellism a little more.
    avoid generalizations such as this, consider revising.

    you might wanna add some quotes somewhere in there that leads you to why you think this.

    i think this should be a seperate paragraph from the clothing one
    otherwise, going good but you kinda stopped early, i would say add a little more to this before wrapping it up.

    big no no, dont point out that your other point isnt strong (or as strong as this one) you want to convince the reader that all your points are very strong.
    again i think you ended too early, need to flush this out a bit more.

    support with quotes or something, you have to prove he feels this way before you can use it like you do next:
    last sentence is kinda ho-hum, almost run on-ish, i would consider revising it.

    good luck

    btw: my bill is in the mail :D
  5. Mike Money

    Mike Money In Memoriam

    Mar 18, 2003
    Bakersfield California
    Avatar Speakers Endorsing Hooligan
    Thanks DEF... this is just a rough draft... so I am turning it in tommorow, and then will use your suggestions and the teachers quite extensively...
  6. Wrong Robot

    Wrong Robot Guest

    Apr 8, 2002
    You need quotes and reference, how do you plan on convincing anyone of your opinion, or at least holding solid ground on your argument otherwise?
  7. Mike Money

    Mike Money In Memoriam

    Mar 18, 2003
    Bakersfield California
    Avatar Speakers Endorsing Hooligan
    i will add them in the final. i need to go rent the movie and find the quotes...


    Jun 1, 2003
    Orlando, FL
    it would probably be easier to just look up the script (copy and paste :ninja: ) for free ;)
  9. Wrong Robot

    Wrong Robot Guest

    Apr 8, 2002
    Yes, definitely watch the movie again for reference purposes.

    but also, the internet is a wonderful thing :)

    Truman show transcript

    personally your essay made me cringe but I'm callous and tough won as my english teacher was very very demanding, he taught our honors class at a college level.(I'm serious, we had at least one essay a week, and his grading standards were VERY specific) I don't know what your assignment specifics was, so perhaps some of the things you did are acceptable, but this paper would get a big F in my old english class.


    Jun 1, 2003
    Orlando, FL
  11. Mike Money

    Mike Money In Memoriam

    Mar 18, 2003
    Bakersfield California
    Avatar Speakers Endorsing Hooligan
    shut up WR. I havent given you your opinion yet.

  12. Jeff Moote

    Jeff Moote Supporting Member

    Oct 11, 2001
    Beamsville, ON, Canada
    What sort of class is this for, and at what grade level?

    I see so much that wouldn't be acceptable at my grade level (12) that I could revise something in at least every sentence, plus rephrase every paragraph.

    That said, if it's not supposed to be meeting the standards I have in my head, it's very acceptable but needs the evidence/quotes DEF and WR suggest.
  13. Jeff Moote

    Jeff Moote Supporting Member

    Oct 11, 2001
    Beamsville, ON, Canada
    WR posted while I was typing. He's right. I feel the same way, and it would fail in my class.

    Maybe not yours, we don't know.

    as well, there are 2 spelling errors, but you can find them with spell checker if you didn't see them before.
    I also must add that it's only 408 words. I happen to have an english teacher that feels an essay needs 750 min to be effective, and a history teacher (that I've had for three years) that likes papers to be around 2000-3000 words. What does your paper need to fufill as far as marking scheme goes?


    Jun 1, 2003
    Orlando, FL
    i didnt wanna sound mean but i agree, that would get a 1 or 2 in my class (going on the AP exam scale of 1-9) and the teacher would definitely be po-ed if i turned something like that in. but as they said maybe thats acceptable for your grade/teacher.
  15. Mike Money

    Mike Money In Memoriam

    Mar 18, 2003
    Bakersfield California
    Avatar Speakers Endorsing Hooligan
    its an 11cp class... but it is just a rough draft.

    And the way the teacher did the assignment, there are like 10 different topics you can write about the movie.

    The one you choose determines the highest grade you can get... the highest grade I can get on this essay is a C... so i am just trying to get it out of the way.

    ya. vote ahnuld.
  16. Wrong Robot

    Wrong Robot Guest

    Apr 8, 2002
    DEF, does your teacher correct using A writer's reference by diana hacker?

    I swear my teacher had that book memorized, he would take our paper and then process it P6f, P1A P1E...etc. as if it was a second language to him.



    Jun 1, 2003
    Orlando, FL
    dude, dont slack off when it comes to your education. i mean just do 2 more years of work and then you can reap the rewards by going to college and getting a good job and such. if you stay on this track of not really trying to do your best then you will never be your best. :meh:


    Jun 1, 2003
    Orlando, FL

    no, but we do have a book titled "writing with a purpose" that is practically our/her bible in there. she does the same "fallacies: ad hominem (pg 151)" type thing if we make a mistake. i hate this book with a passion :p
  19. Benjamin Strange

    Benjamin Strange Commercial User

    Dec 25, 2002
    New Orleans, LA
    Owner / Tech: Strange Guitarworks
    I made a few changes:

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    Christof, if the indicated thing with in a rule with the excess of
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    the relative meant it. The world, a little while and the ocean of the
    vario east ocean forest and the river the Truman, that is to say,
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    realiz goettliche of the execution with this decision of the
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    del}truman{of of the chronometers of the matrices of the pulse of
    Christof of the sky of the ascent. The symbolic system of
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    presumed him, of one more a more inferior part of always always sees
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    each Missionar roll and stop in Christof Truman, of that to the
    interior of the direction that considers the form given. And for
    Christof of us the this therefore he we are in the order, we wished -
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    end him to clear why. It measured the value opens to the world and
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  20. Mike Money

    Mike Money In Memoriam

    Mar 18, 2003
    Bakersfield California
    Avatar Speakers Endorsing Hooligan

    it only has to be 280+ words... it is our first essay of the year.
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