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English paper. What do you think?

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by MarztekMilita, Jan 17, 2006.

  1. MarztekMilita


    Feb 10, 2005
    This is an essay that I am writing for english, the subject is yourself and I want to know what the fellow TB'ers think of my writhing skills? NOTE! it is about 5 pages long doubled spaceed. It's a rough draft of a rough draft.

    Hello, my name is Grayson Daniel Faria, as you can already see in the title up there.

    The date that I was born on is February twelfth, nineteen eighty eight, in Vallejo I

    believe. My ethnic back ground is Portuguese on my fathers’ side and German on my

    mothers’ side. But also thrown in there is a whole bunch of other different cultures. They

    range from Irish to native American . my fathers’ great,great grand father came to

    America form the islands off of Portugal in the early nineteen hundreds. When he arrived

    he came to what would be called Pinole. A little known fact, but the hill so commonly

    referred to as “chalk hill” is actually Faria hill. My moms’ side of the family came over

    during the dust bowl in the early thirties. Both sides of my family have their own

    problems, but there my family and I love them.

    The way that I see myself is different than how others would see them selves I think.

    Me, I would like to think that I am a different kid than the rest of them, in the way that I

    think and act. But then I realize that I am just another average kid in this crazy world of

    ours. My self image I guess could be summed up in the idea of being comfortable. The

    clothes that I wear are always comfortable and are always my style. The image that I put

    out is defiantly different than how I see myself on the inside. When people see me, what I

    want them to see is guy that is fun to be around and that will be a good friend. A person t

    hat will listen to what they have to say and will try to help them out when I can. That is

    the kind of person that I see myself being, but that’s not what people usually see when

    they look at me. When people see me they think that I am a bully of some kind, and that

    is some thing that I am trying to shatter. When people can see me on the inside, that is

    when I will be truly happy.

    One of the things that happened in my life that really help define me is when I was

    in the ninth grade. That is when I started one of the longest, best, worst, most dangerous,

    most eventful journeys of my life. My first girl friend. All of the things that happened

    during that three, yes, three year venture are the things that have made me into the man

    that I am today. At some points I was the happiest person to be in existence, at others,

    mainly the beginning of the school year, I was the most depressed, mopest thing crawling

    around. But after all is said and done, the over all experience was all healthy and good for

    me. The other thing that happened was one night that I was hanging with my brothers, not

    literally, Sal Torres, and Greg Horton. When I would hang out with them they would

    always talk about semi Freddie’s in Emeryville. It is a big gourmet bread bakery, that all

    of the bread that does not get shipped out gets tossed in the dumpsters behind the place.

    The first time that I went with them, I had no idea what to think. We pull up to the place

    and there are dumpsters filled with bread from that same day. Still perfectly good and

    smelled great, and tasted great. Those were two things that really changed me as a person

    and into the individual that I am now.

    One of the biggest things that I have really tried to change about my self is my fear

    of trust. The simple fact is that I never trusted my self all to much, and that in turn kept

    me from trusting others, from family to friends, and the one that I was supposed to be

    able to trust the most. That has hurt me a lot in my past and recent present. But I have

    tried to open up to others and talk about the things that hurt me and make me mad. It has

    been a hard thing for me to be able to do, but damn it, I am going to do it.

    In the ninth grade I was very, very, veeeerrrry easily led, by friends and whom ever. That

    caused me to fail P.E., one of the easiest classes in all history. The people that led me

    were, and still are my friends to this day. The thing is that I was lazy and stupid, so I

    figured that it would not matter, I was very wrong. That cost me the whole ninth grade,

    being on restriction and punishment really sucked, but that’s the price that I paid for

    being weak minded and dependent on others.

    One of the things that I have learned is honesty, always, always, be honest with

    others. But mainly be honest with yourself first and foremost, because if you are not

    honest with yourself, then you can never be honest at all. Tell the truth to people, loved

    ones, people you hate, and anyone that you come into contact with, it is really liberating.

    Trust me on this kiddies, I have had to learn the hard way.

    My goals, they are all over the place with me. From being an art teacher to being a

    solo bassist. When I sit in my room and think about my future, I usually think of really

    outlandish things, like being one of the guys that I see in movies. Then I step into back

    into reality and realize that it is just a movie or a song and then I start to think of what I

    could really do. One of the things that I would really like to do is become a music

    engineer, and work with a lot of different bands. Getting them the sound that they want

    on their albums and what not. Another big goal of mine is to become a solo bassist and

    put out all solo bass albums. Because if you ask me, the bass is the instrument that dose

    not get enough credit, and that is something that I would want to open peoples eyes to.

    But other than the things that I have already listed in this paragraph, there really isn’t

    much else than that. The whole family thing is some thing that I am not even going to

    touch, why, I am eight teen god damn years young and that sends chills up my spine just

    thinking about it. Not ready to go there!

    The whole high school thing, experience, situation, what ever you want to call it has

    been life experience that I and no one could ever get from any thing or any where else. It

    is the thing that you see when you are a little kid and just see so many different things

    and begin to think so many different things. You wish to just hurry up and get there. But

    of course once you get there, your whole perspective of totally change. You begin to

    realize that it is the real world, and no, you are not the big shot that you had thought you

    were. You are just some dumb fresh men that should keep his mouth shot if you don’t

    want to get your ass kicked. That’s how it was for me and my friends at least. As for

    changing any thing, I would not change any thing so far, or at all. But the only advice that

    I would have for the future is, don’t do that and go for it.

    Oh boy ! the essay is almost done, but I only have one thousand, three hundred and

    ten words. That last sentence jacked it up a little bit and at this current moment, that is all

    that I am trying to do. Just keep typing so that Ms. Lamons dose not yell at me for two

    periods, first and third. So as long as I keep typing, I will be safe from her fury. What if

    she reads this, this will either make her laugh or make her lower my grade. That would

    really suck if she did lower my grade, because that just simply can not happen to me at

    this current point in time that is the end of the second quarter. Run on s are fun!! Okay,

    that seemed to work. This essay writing experience has been good for me to express my

    self through a way that I don’t usually get to . But it has also taught me that the whole

    writing process is full of fun and learning ones self more and deeper than I thought.

    Writing an essay on your self is alt harder and easier than I would have imagined it to be.

  2. embellisher

    embellisher Holy Ghost filled Bass Player Supporting Member

  3. thekyle


    Dec 25, 2005
    Breckenridge, CO
    I studied English for five years in college (and can write a heck of a paper) and you need some help. Message me if you want, and I will give you my email to send the file to and give you feedback on.
  4. Cerb


    Sep 27, 2004
    I'm a soph. in highschool, and this paper, while decent, seems to be far under what I'm writing. Mind you, English is what I enjoy the most. As already stated, the writing is extrememly informal. Don't speak to the reader as if you know them. That is, unless that was part of the assignment. Make an outline before writing. You seem to not know exactly where you are headed during parts of it. I also caught a few spelling and grammar errors, but certainly nothing major.
  5. Hey guys, Pinole is in the East Bay area (San Francisco (California)) about 5 miles north of Richmond. Vallejo is about 10 or 15 miles further north and east on the other side of the Carquinez Straits.

    Daniel, I'm at work and don't have time to do a critique of this. However, I will mention that the last sentence of the first paragraph contains a statement that "there my family". The correct word is "they're", a contraction of "they are". The word "there" refers to a location and also is commonly confused with the word "their" which is the possessive 3rd person plural. A correction would be a good idea. I'll look at it more tonight if I get a chance. Don't worry about it too much. This sort of error seems to be more and more common among young people these days as education does not seem to be valued by either the educators or the students. For now, you need to do an outline of this paper and decide on an introduction, a middle section and a conclusion supported by the facts you stated in the middle section.
  6. buenafortuna


    Jan 17, 2006
    N. Florida
    I don't mean to sound judmental, but you did ask for a critique, however I do understand that this is a rough draft.

    For any advanced english courses, the lack of formality and eloquency that this essay possesses would be unacceptable. As would the grammar
    . :meh:
  7. CALIFORNIA?? Yikes. I assumed that this was a high-level foreign language paper.:eek:

    Marztek, you have a long way to go. Let's forget things like structure, a purpose, a thesis, active/passive voice, arguments etc. Start at ground 0. Don't use phrases such as "I guess", "a whole bunch", "veeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrry", "the whole high school thing". That's a start.

    I'm not trying to come across as mean, but you really need help in this area. Below is a quick re-write of one of your paragraphs. It's far from perfect and can be picked at pretty easily, but it's a start.

    Below is a basic rewording of this paragraph.

  8. MarztekMilita


    Feb 10, 2005
    The whole assingment was to write a 1500 word essy. It didnt have to all that good, but decent. That's what I wrote. Not up to my abilitys, but decent. The said that we had to write it as an autobiography. The main reason that its all,...wrong, is that I procasinated on it and wrote it the night before, like an idiot.:scowl: The paper has 1500 words exact. The whole "my sely," " them selves" was done on purpose so that I could get it up to 1500 words. thanks for the critisim, appreciale it guys.

    Pinole is in the east bay as Aaron mentiond.
    exchange student, HA!

    P.S. I'm a senior
  9. StarMountainKid


    Nov 6, 2005
    The paper has 1500 words exact. The whole "my sely," " them selves" was done on purpose so that I could get it up to 1500 words
    lol way to go! When I was 18 I was casual about english essays, too. Maybe a more formally constructed essay would get you a better grade, but stream-of-consciousness writing portrays the real you more honestly.

    Davidoc's re-write is well done, but it looses all the personality of the writer. It's pedantic, boreing cliches. A tightening-up middle ground may be better. Look how J.D.Salinger wrote Catcher In The Rye. He captured a true personality by writing an 18yo's essay.
  10. Bob Clayton

    Bob Clayton Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    Aug 14, 2001
    Philly Suburbs
    i didn't care how long is had to be in HS. i could not purposely write less than my ability would let me.

    it shows laziness and a lack of compassion for any and all work.
  11. StarMountainKid


    Nov 6, 2005
    Perhaps it's the state of our educational system here in the USA that helps to contribute to laziness and a lack of compassion.
  12. Don't generalize; we don't have a US Educational system. It's run at the county and sometimes town level. Eg, I could never get away with that in High School.