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Feel ignored in a band

Discussion in 'Band Management [BG]' started by andrew09, Feb 12, 2014.

  1. andrew09


    Feb 12, 2014
    hey! I play and sing in rock band, we know each others about 6 month. But theres something very strange, we never met out of the band. Also I'm doing my work well, we got gigs and menager. But there is a some problem I just cant find common ground with them. We just speak like in work..or I feel like in class not like with someone who is working passionate and being good friends together. A bit alienated and lost, anyway I'm not kind of person like this, just funny, really sociable and kind person. But feel like they ignore me a lot dont pay attention to my work and only try to show how best are they. So Still Im vocalist here so should be first place but even on photos or shows they try to keep attention on them. I dont feel comfortable with them , dont find topics we can speak , we speak really only about the band . and after concerts they having party together some of them really try to avoid me. really it feels strange.. feel like iam punished by playing with them, maybe I do something wrong?? what to do? maybe more than 6 months is really too short? but sometimes you see someone 1st time and u get on well...
  2. JennySuzuki


    Dec 18, 2013
    Well, I have a couple of thoughts. I'm guessing English is not your native language... are your band mates speaking the same language you are? If not, there may be some tension there, and it'll just take time to get past it.

    But it may just be a case of not a good fit, for whatever reason. I think six months is a pretty good trial period. If you're not comfortable with them, there are plenty more bands in the fishy sea.
  3. I've been in five bands and out of those five only one band actually got together outside of band practice (not after practice hang outs), to hang out and party. The other four, we all have had our own thing. I've been playing with my current band for 6 months, the singer is 35, has a wife, son and the drummer is 17. Both members do not drink or smoke. I'm 26, single, drink, smoke and play music. Out of all the bands and about 20 band members, I've only made two good friends. I always had this perfect band image of what a band should be, best friends, hanging out with or without music but it just doesn't work that way. Oh well.
  4. MakiSupaStar

    MakiSupaStar The Lowdown Diggler

    Apr 12, 2006
    Huntington Beach, CA
    What do I know? I still sniff my own farts to guess what I had for dinner yesterday.
  5. This was the craziest post I've read on TB. I wish there were more responses. I want to read more. :D
  6. it+s+not+a+meme+just+a+reaction+picture+_5ae5a7f31282ef43d5642a0333118938.
  7. MJ5150

    MJ5150 Terrific Twister

    Apr 12, 2001
    Lacey, WA
    Are you ugly?

  8. FretNoMore

    FretNoMore * Cooking with GAS *

    Jan 25, 2002
    The frozen north
    People don't always connect on a personal level. If you can still work together and have fun playing, fine, treat it as a job and get what enjoyment you can out of it. If you want it to be a social thing and you want to hang out and have fun outside of playing, maybe these guys just aren't a good match with your personality.

    I've played many years with the guys in my current band and we almost never meet for anything other than playing together, and we're all fine with that. We all have our own separate lives and work commitments so there's really not much time for more than rehearsals and gigs. Everyones' families would protest if we took more time away from them.
  9. vbchaos


    Sep 5, 2011
    Groningen, The Netherlands
    Uncompensated endorsing user: fEARful
    You'd be surprised how an alcohol-loaded evening in a bar changes the dynamics in all-male relationships/groups, especially in bands.
    You never know someone until you have seen him vommiting his guts out at 4AM on a filthy bar-toilet
  10. glocke1


    Apr 30, 2002
    If it really worries you, just suggest an activity that you can all do together, such as going to a concert, a hike, or just out to dinner.

    Every band I've been in I've never really hung out with the others outside of band related activities. Really the main reason for this is Im not one for just "hanging out", which to most people means sitting around doing nothing but drinking beer and/or smoking weed. I need to be doing something constructive with my time.

    Of course, there have been exceptions, but again this involves myself and the other band people doing an activity (going to a concert, hike, etc).
  11. BassCliff


    May 17, 2012
    So. Cal.

    It is not unusual to have only a working relationship with other band members. Let them have their ego trips. Just play your bass, sing your songs, make some money, and always keep looking for a better gig if you're not happy.

    You could always start your own band. But that would mean that you'd have more work to do, getting gigs, scheduling rehearsals, finding a PA, etc.

    Sometimes it takes a while to form close friendships. If it's a good gig then give it some time. If you are absolutely not happy, then be professional and do your job until a better one comes along.

    I wish you the best of luck.

    Thank you for your indulgence,

  12. lowfreq33


    Jan 27, 2010
    Endorsing Artist: Genz Benz Amplification
    Do you connect well with others outside of your band mates? Are you a shy person?
  13. el murdoque

    el murdoque

    Mar 10, 2013
    I guess it's only a real problem if

    a) the whole rest of the band is hanging out regularly and only you are not invited.
    If the drummer and keyboarder are best mates and have been so for a long time and the guitarist is totally absorbed by his GF or whatever that's just normal.

    b) you really suffer from such a relationship and need more interaction outside from playing music to get a better feeling for the others which might even result in better playing from your part.

    I've had both extremes -i played in a band where the social interaction between the members was strictly limited to playing music together twice a week and on the occasional gig. And on the opposite, I've played, partied and hung out with good friends, but we were close even before we formed a band.

    And i had the mix i'd call normal - where you can party and hang out with the guys from the band and occasionally do, especially on the gig days and often have the feeling you should be seeing these guys more often outside of band practice, but you're running a busy schedule and can't ease in more time than that.
  14. hrodbert696

    hrodbert696 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    What's crazy about it? Sounds like the OP's native language isn't English, nothing terribly unusual about that.

    To the OP, I'd say - you've only known them six months. If you only know them as band mates, then band issues are all that you're going to be talking about at first. If you want more of a "hang" with them socially, ask them to do something social - go for a drink or coffee or something outside of practice.

    If anything, it sometimes bothers me when someone I barely know acts like we're blood brothers just because we're in a band. My old guitarist was like that. It always felt fake. We didn't have much in common and barely knew each other from just a few months playing, but he would call me "brother" and act like we were old high school buddies or something. I'd rather let a friendship develop gradually and naturally.
    WyreAndWood likes this.
  15. mellowinman

    mellowinman Free Man

    Oct 19, 2011
    I wouldn't worry about it.

    Maybe they're jerks.

    There are a lot of jerks in the world of music.

    Sometimes it's best to find people who aren't jerks.
  16. obimark


    Sep 1, 2011
    Let me break it down:
    1. Most musicians have ego/jerk problems. Fact. (This increases greatly when they are not bassist's like us, but even some of us have serious issues)
    2. They may be jealous, or using you until they find someone they like.
    3. Even people who you THINK are your friends can and will screw you over in life.
    4. Cliches exist, and regardless of what you think, if you aren't in, you will NEVER be in.
    5. You want proof of evolution? look at how people REALLY act. Very similar to the ape/monkey behavior from whence we evolved.

    IME_ I have been in 5 bands over the last 5 year period, and only keep in touch with 1-2 people out of all those 4 person bands. (And loosely at that, not best BROS hanging out every week). That is very rare, UNLESS you formed a band with your best friends from school or something ,like Rush, Bon Jovi, etc...

    But if they are not treating you right, let them know and take a walk, if I could also sing lead (or sing period), there would be no CRAP thrown my way by any band member, Because I am 33% of the band sound on my own.
    WyreAndWood likes this.
  17. andrew09


    Feb 12, 2014
    thank you for answer to my topic, and really sory for my english, I'm from another country.
    I'm not shy, rather reverse..but just cant find way to communicate with them
    it seems they have greaaat ego trip
    Once one former band member ( It was one I was really enjoying) invited all to go drink something but they didnt take the initiative, so only I went with him.and he asked them many times but no reply really, so anyway it is ex band member. One thing there is problem I observed they gossip behind someones back so many times. Even once there was situation they wanted kick me out, they didnt contact me I had some accident so It was impossible to be available on facebook, couldnt go and meet, work out with them, and no one even call me they just decided to kick me out, I find out this on fb. It happens so many times they speak about someone acting not good and thinking what to do with him, then they do something other. I think they gossip me many times too. I think Ill stay there a bit more.. see what happen..
  18. I would guess that you could look at it a lot of ways, depending on what it is you expect. In my current band, there are different relationships among the members. I see the drummer a lot, well, because he's my father. But as far as myself and the others, we don't have much of a relationship outside the band itself. We rarely talk, and when we do it's usually about something to do with the band. We do have one tradition, and that's going out for dinner before a gig. But honestly, I like the way we treat it. To me, it reduces the likelihood of drama and personality conflict, because 95% of the time we only see each other when we are working. There's no "hang" with this band and we all like it that way. I suppose this might be common attitude for guys like me; over the hill cover band players who have no desire to "make it". If I were in an original band, I might feel differently, and look to connect more with the other players.

    To me, I have no desire to make playing in a band a "lifestyle", and honestly I already have friends. So a situation like the OP's would not really bother me too much, as long as the band was playing regularly, had a good show, maybe a small following, and I was getting some cash for what I did.

    But, for the OP; you have to decide if this situation is the right one for you and if you're getting what you want and need out of it. If not, then look elsewhere. But remember, sometimes the devil you know is better than the devil you don't.
  19. Andrew,
    It sounds like a dysfunctional band but it seems you are on the outside looking in. You can certainly take the high ground - sing/play the songs and do your best at being the frontman (if that's your role). Don't be surprised if they dump you but take all the experience you learned and apply it to your next act.
    Ego-tripping can help when you're playing live. Hopefully, the other players are good showboaters and can make the stage act more entertaining. Where I'd draw the line is where it is no longer is entertaining for the audience. Fifteen minute guitar/drum soloes or extending a three minute song into a ten minute wankfest would be where I'd draw that line.
    Good luck.
  20. bassbully

    bassbully Endorsed by The PHALEX CORN BASS..mmm...corn!

    Sep 7, 2006
    Blimp City USA
    Bring some booze to the next practice. That should open things up :D