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Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by the yeti, Jul 28, 2009.

  1. the yeti

    the yeti

    Nov 6, 2007
    raleigh, nc
    no drama. the best post i've read in the local c-list:

    Date: 2009-07-28, 2:05PM EDT
    Reply to: [email protected] [Errors when replying to ads?]


    A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
    Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
    A: A tattoo.
    Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
    A: Nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe
    Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
    A: Their personalities.
    Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
    A: Saliva.
    Q: What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
    A: Homeless.
    Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
    A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
    Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
    A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
    Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
    A: It saves time in the long run.
    Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
    A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
    Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
    A: About three decibels.
    Q: What is another term for trombone?
    A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.
    Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
    A: A bad oboist can kill you.
    Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
    A: So they can park in the handicapped zones when they forget their special tags.
    Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
    A: Lipstick.
    Q: Why do people play trombone?
    A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
    Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
    A: Alone.
    Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
    A: A music critic.
    Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
    A: Put it in a viola case.
    Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
    A: You can tune a chainsaw.
    Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
    A: "That's the banjo player's Porsche."
    Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
    A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
    Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
    A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
    Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
    A: Seven - if sliced thin and you lay them out correctly.
    Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
    A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
    Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
    A: Both command immediate attention, alarm, and force everyone to
    move out of range.
    Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
    A: Eleven pounds.
    Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
    A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
    Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
    Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
    Friend: "I hope so."
    Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
    A: Some conductors actually read Greek.
    Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.
    Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
    A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
    Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure and unwitting orchestra player to become a soloist.
    Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.
    Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
    Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors noticed?
    Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
    A: They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
    Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
    A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.
    Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road?
    A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.
    Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
    A: A vocalist.
    Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
    A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.
    Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard?
    A: Stop laughing and shoot again.
    Q: How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None, they can't get up that high !!!!!!
    Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Not You, ME!!
    Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor?
    A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.
    Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
    A: They're all dead.
    Q: What's the definition of optimism?
    A: A bass trombonist with a DOUBLE trigger attachment AND a beeper.
    Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player?
    A: Back up and make SURE.
    Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car?
    A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof
    Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
    A: Yell "don't do it!" and hurry to cut the rope.
    Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
    A: His amp.
    Q: How do you get a three piece horn section to play in tune?
    A: Shoot two of them.
    Q: What's the difference between a bull and a band? OR a conductor and an orchestra?
    A: The bull has the horns in the front and the ******* in the back.
    Q: How many vocalists does it take to screw in a bulb?
    A: None. They hold the bulb over their head and pretend the world revolves around them.
    Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a bulb?
    A: None, they have machines for that now.
    Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
    A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummers mouth.
    Q: How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?
    A: Pay him for the pizza.
    Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
    A: Night manager at McDonalds.
    Q: Why are violas larger than violins?
    A: They aren't. Violists heads are smaller.
    Q: How are trumpet players like pirates?
    A: They're both commit murder on the high Cs.

    Location: The Music store on Saturday afternoon
    it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

    PostingID: 1293534672


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  2. zeppelinbass95


    Dec 26, 2008
  3. B-500


    Jul 28, 2009
    I laughed at so many of these. A+
  4. Jimmy Bones

    Jimmy Bones

    Feb 24, 2009
    Baxley, GA
    Many of them have been posted here many times before. :p
  5. the yeti

    the yeti

    Nov 6, 2007
    raleigh, nc
    many of them are older than me.:D
  6. Beginner Bass

    Beginner Bass

    Jul 8, 2009
    Round Rock, TX
    A&R, Soulless Corporation Records
  7. aikakone


    Jan 27, 2008
    Hey, some of those are new to me! Great set of jokes. :D
  8. AwesomeMcBadass


    Jul 15, 2009
    I don't think bass players should really rag on drummers...