For the Married TBers who are childless by choice

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by MAJOR METAL, Jul 20, 2005.


    MAJOR METAL HARVESTER OF SORROW Staff Member Supporting Member

    Did you decide before or after you were Married not to have Children and were you met with any opposition from your spouse?. Thanks
  2. David Wilson

    David Wilson Administrator Staff Member Administrator Supporting Member

    Oct 14, 2002
    Lower Westchester, NY
    we've been married nearly 7 years now - don't have kids yet, but are planning on doing so in next year or two.

    I think it's too big a question not to discuss before getting married
  3. My fiancee and I have been engaged for the past 2 months or so, but have been together for 3+ years. We made the decision not to have kids for a variety of reasons.

    1. We're both not spring chickens anymore

    2. We have 2 beautiful kids from previous relationships

    3. Her last pregnancy was very difficult.

    4. I'm trying to get out of the bad karma I have coming my way from what a little asshat I was when I was a kid. :smug:
  4. Time Divider

    Time Divider Guest

    Apr 7, 2005
    I have some expertise in this area, although we're not childless. My bride and I were married in 1982 (both 21 at the time) and had agreed before we got married that we didn't want any children. We then both proceeded to change our minds when we turned 30, and now have a healthy, sassy, 13-year-old budding bass player on our hands. I wouldn't trade either of them for the world.
  5. Ed Fuqua

    Ed Fuqua

    Dec 13, 1999
    Chuck Sher publishes my book, WALKING BASSICS:The Fundamentals of Jazz Bass Playing.
    Kate and I have been living together without benefit of clergy for 26 years. When we first started dating, we didn't really talk about "family" plans. When we started living together, it didn't really come up. After we'd been living together for awhile it became kind of obvious that, although we enjoyed our younger relations and the children of friends, neither of us seemed interested in procreating. So at that point we started talking about it and, sure enough, neither of us wants to bear and raise (or bear OR raise) children.

    Why do you ask?
  6. James Hart

    James Hart

    Feb 1, 2002
    Endorsing Artist: see profile
    what Ed said... except her name is Amy and it'll be 10 years in Oct.

    We rent the nieces when thinking maybe we are missing something.... each time it turns out that we aren't.

    and yeah Major.... you writing a book or thesis or something?
  7. My wife and I married young, 20 and 19 respectivly, and decided before we were married that we didn't want kids right away and maybe never. We were going to finish school and find good jobs and such. However, even the pill is not 100% effective, not trying to scare anyone, just telling my situation. But we now have a beautiful accident named Geneva that we couldn't imagine being without. And we are still working on the school and jobs thing (My wife just graduated with a history degree and is job hunting) just at a slower rate. I guess my point is that no matter what happens, humans as a species are a pretty adaptable bunch and you can make plans all day long and still have to improvise with whatever life throws your way.
  8. NJL


    Apr 12, 2002
    San Antonio
    :D :D :D
  9. Bruce Lindfield

    Bruce Lindfield Unprofessional TalkBass Contributor Gold Supporting Member

    Same again - although 17 years .....or are you not interested in those "living in sin"...? ;)
  10. secretdonkey


    Oct 9, 2002
    Austin, TX
    I'm like Ed and James
    But evolved towards divorce
    This worked out well, friend

    Let me qualify
    It was me who said, "no kids"
    I know no regrets

    An answer less flip?
    Can't break my haiku pattern
    Send me a PM
  11. No kids here either.

    I lived the bachelor life until my early 40s and my wife had done the female equivalent. We just decided that it was probably a bit late. I guess if we'd met 10 years earlier things would have been different.
    I can't say it's a big regret.
  12. Alvaro Martín Gómez A.

    Alvaro Martín Gómez A. TalkBass' resident Bongo + cowbell player

    I got married twice and I'm alone now (and something really BIG in my life must happen to think about living with a woman again), but never wanted to have kids. My ex-wives agreed (that decision had nothing to do with divorce). My "problem" about having kids is: My late dad was a very strict person. We are three brothers and he never gave us any kind of physical punishment, but didn't need to do that. His voice alone was enough to make us to obey him. Nowadays I think he made a great job raising his kids as responsible citizens. He was very demanding and I think I inherited that from him, so my point is: I don't think that the education given to kids at home and school is enough to form them. I'm convinced that anybody of us has many things in the personality that come from the womb, and that cannot be changed. Many good things, many not-so-good, and it isn't into my life plans to take that risk. If I had a crystal ball (I mean, one of those used by fortune-tellers :D ) to know that my son/daughter is going to be the kind of person I'd like him/her to be, I would do it. But I'm not going to deal with a problem child. I've been catalogued many times as "drastic" (to say the least) for thinking like that, but I guess that's one of the many "traumas" that any of us may develop while growing and don't want to admit. I can do it. Besides, times have changed so much and it's very difficult to have kids under control nowadays. When I was a kid, none of us (my brothers and me) could even whisper the "softest" swearword. I'm still amazed to see some young parents that celebrate their kid's first attempts to pronounce the first one. We knew of the existence of drugs, but we thought that it only happened on TV or something like that. Never thought that drugs would hit us (and in fact never happened, fortunately). How many young kids have tried pot these days? I think LOTS. No. Definitely not for me. Tranquillity is my key word and I'm so happy living the way I do.
  13. dhodgeh


    Jul 15, 2004
    Been married for thirty years and have no children. It's not really anything that was seriously talked about one way or the other, we just never felt the need to reproduce.

    As stated by others, a couple of visits by nephews took care of any thoughts along those lines.

  14. seansbrew

    seansbrew Supporting Member

    Oct 23, 2000
    Mesa AZ.
    I feel I must chime in here. I am married and have a beautiful child. I am thirty four years old and at some point in my life (probably around thirty) I decided I did not want to have children. I felt this way because I didn't think I would find the right woman to have them with. When I finally met her, she felt the same way. As our relationship matured and the years went by, we started to change our minds. We both felt that if the situation was not right for children, we would not have any. We decided to get married and decided that we wanted to have kids. Sometimes people change their minds about such things if the situation that evokes these decisions changes as well. It was important to me to make sure that my feelings on this matter were very clear and that my future wife felt the same way. This gave us the best chance; it was not an issue that had to be discussed any further. I don't know what your situation is, but remember that the decisions we make today are always subject to change tomorrow. :)
  15. Fuzzbass

    Fuzzbass P5 with overdrive Supporting Member

    Cool thread, MM.

    My wife and I just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. No kids, by choice. One of the reasons I decided to get married at age 26 (way before I expected to!) was that my wife was cool with me rockin' out in bands, and was in no hurry to have kids. As it's turned out, we have none now and have fixed it so we'll never have any in the future.

    So, that makes us socially weird. Same as it ever was, I've spent most of my life being weird. Seriously, some people get freaked out by the fact that we've chosen not to have kids. Some assume there must be a physical problem. I recently heard someone say (not to me) that he changed his mind about not having kids because he didn't want to be a selfish yuppie. I'll never understand that attitude... I guess it can be selfish to not have kids, but considering that most of the world's problems are due to overpopulation, one could argue that it's selfish to have them. Bottom line: I won't question anyone else's motives if they don't question mine.

    Finally, I'm sure some assume we just don't like kids. Not true... we love our nephews and cousins.
  16. I'm 29, I've been with my wife for about 6 years, married the last 1.5. I knew that I wanted to be with her, but only asked her to marry me after I was sure that I eventually wanted to have kids with her. We just had a baby a month ago and it's fantastic. Hard, and tiring, but fantastic. I'm not sure at this point if I want any more, but I sure am glad we had this one! He is pretty damn cute too if I say so myself. Good gene stock I guess!
  17. Time Divider

    Time Divider Guest

    Apr 7, 2005
    I'm not sure I understand what you mean by this. Could you elaborate? Thanks.
  18. nonsqtr

    nonsqtr The emperor has no clothes!

    Aug 29, 2003
    Burbank CA USA
    Yeah, good thread MM. I'm not sure I should contribute here, but I'll just say this - my g/f was strongly anti-kids for a while, and I had to really bend her ear to get her to open her mind in that regard. There was an "ideological" thing going on, in terms of bringing kids into a wicked world, and there was also a "physical" thing going on, which I don't even pretend to understand. But when the sh*t hit the fan here recently, I think Nicky went through one of those "massive psychic changes" that the Jungian types like to talk about - suddenly it was like "what can I do about tomorrow", instead of "what can I do today". It's very hard to describe, it's impossible to communicate in a few short sentences. Plus there may be some additional psychology going on, Nicky's not getting any younger, and neither am I. She's smart as a whip though, and I couldn't wish for a better partner. And that's kinda where our relationship has evolved into recently, it's been a "true partnering", as distinct from one wanting something from the other. Personally, I couldn't ask for anything more. :)
  19. WillPlay4Food

    WillPlay4Food Now With More Metal! Staff Member Supporting Member

    Apr 9, 2002
    Orbiting HQ
    My wife & I married about 6.5 years ago after being together for 5 years. We held off on having children until we were both out of school and able to devote our attention to children. It took about 2 (anxious) years to conceive (oh well, gotta work some OT I guess). We now have a beautiful 6 month old son and I wouldn't trade him for the world.

    He's the only person that's ever made me fall in love at first sight. I can't wait to get home from work and hang out with my little buddy every day. I've never experienced joy like the feeling I get when I come in the door and say "Hi buddy!" and Ben gets this huge smile on his face, lets out a laugh or squeal of delight and sticks out his arm to say "Pick me up daddy!". Then he gives me a big hug (that's his new thing) once I've picked him up.

    It's really mind blowing to watch Ben develop. Little things are such huge accomplishments. On Sunday he rolled over from back to belly 3 or 4 times in a row. Once he was on his belly he started kicking his legs as if to crawl. Last week he started giving people hugs when they picked him up.

    Anyway, I could keep talking about Ben forever but I'm sure I'd hit the post character limit. :D Suffice it to say, children truly are a blessing. :D
  20. Don't you mean religion?
    *runs out of thread*