1. Please take 30 seconds to register your free account to remove most ads, post topics, make friends, earn reward points at our store, and more!  
    TalkBass.com has been uniting the low end since 1998.  Join us! :)

Friend is a scumb bag- need advice..

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by powderfinger, Feb 18, 2014.

  1. powderfinger


    Feb 24, 2009
    So, I dunno why this bothers me so much, but I need to vent, and more importantly get some sane advice here.

    A friend (ex-bandmate) of mine has been dating a girl for nearly a year now. She is the first serious gf he has had since probably the early 00s when we were playing gigs together. This girl is a friend of both of ours, whom we met through mutual friends, and the 2 of them ended up hitting it off and began dating shortly after.

    This girl treats my friend like gold. Is highly supportive of his career, his music, etc. She is also one of the kindest, sweetest people you'd ever care to meet. I know this simply from just being her friend, and seeing the way she goes out of her way for my buddy.

    The problem?

    He has cheated on her roughly 8-9 times if I am counting correct. He has *tried* to cheat on her more times than I can count. He is constantly trying to "get laid" behind her back. He also constantly bitches about her being a "nag" and getting on his nerves, and making him spend too much time with her. So I tell me, "dude, break up with her... you don't like her, and you spend 90% of your life whoring around with bar girls". He is always like, "yeah, I should but I probably won't... she's ok".

    So, I know this is not my business, but it's making me sick seeing him treat his gf this way, bc she is a damn good, decent, honest, kind person, and he is being a dirtbag, and showing no remorse or anything for what's he doing behind her back.

    Oh, and I kind of like her, too... yeah, there's that...
  2. So if I read between the lines, you are asking whether it is worth it to attempt to break the two of them up for your personal gain.

    It probably won't work well.

    But yes, your friend is a scum bag.
  3. tangentmusic

    tangentmusic A figment of our exaggeration

    Aug 17, 2007
    Scumbags don't deserve decent women. She needs to be made aware of his scumbaggery. You need to tell her. You also need to tell her how you feel about her too. You should be the one with the good supportive gf. It would spell the end of your relationship with the former bandmate, but who wants a scumbag for a friend anyway?
  4. FrenchBassQC

    FrenchBassQC Supporting Member

    Jul 13, 2011
    Gatineau QC CA
    Yup I agree...
  5. tastybasslines

    tastybasslines Banned

    May 9, 2010
    Los Angeles, CA
    You were right. None of your business.

    You can make the choice to be friends with him or not, but don't tell him what to do. If you are friends with him, be friends with him.
  6. Nunya business.

    As I grow up, I realize I have enough of my own stuff to worry about. Scumbag musician friends are people that will only bring you down.
  7. matante


    Nov 3, 2003
    Los Angeles
    There's a French movie starring Charlotte Gainsbourg which has a similar situation. Look for it.

    Basically, if you think you might love her, and maybe one day marry her, go for it. If not, leave them alone.
  8. Uncle K

    Uncle K The bass player doesn't get a sandwich Supporting Member

    Aug 22, 2011
    Erie, PA
    Girls love scumbags

    Life isn't fair

    Seems like you're already stuck in the "friend zone"

    None of your beeswax
  9. called that you had a thing for her before you even typed it, which makes everything else suspect.
  10. powderfinger


    Feb 24, 2009
    I am afraid I am in friend-zone. I don't think she likes me in a romantic way, but I do feel she ought to know what he's doing behind her back. If for no other reason than he is probably going to end up giving her an STD, as I know my buddy has probably never used protection in his miserable life. How he doesnt have 20 kids is a miracle.

    But I see the other side, that yeah.. it isn't my business, and Id lose him as a friend forever I am sure....
  11. Why do you wish to keep him as a friend in the first place?

    You seem like a nice guy, which will inevitably put you in the friend zone a lot of the time. You will see douche bags succeed. It happens.
  12. powderfinger


    Feb 24, 2009
    Yes, douchebags do indeed succeed oftentimes.

    I do suppose at my age, losing a dirtbag friend might be a good thing. I think personally it's time for him to grow up and act like a decent, self-respecting adult. But, that's just my take.
  13. why would you be friends with someone like that?
    why would you want to be romantically involved with someone you believe will contract an STD?
  14. Uncle K

    Uncle K The bass player doesn't get a sandwich Supporting Member

    Aug 22, 2011
    Erie, PA
    I think if you spill the beans here you'll not only lose your friend, but the girl will forever see you as the guy that tried to break up her relationship ie: desperate and creepy. Just let it go.
  15. matante


    Nov 3, 2003
    Los Angeles
    IME the whole "friend zone" thing is a myth.
  16. powderfinger


    Feb 24, 2009
    Thanks all.

    Good advice all.

    Im going to let this ride. They are both 2 adults.
  17. Jared Lash

    Jared Lash Born under punches Supporting Member

    Aug 21, 2006
    Northern California
    That was the line I was waiting for.

    I think the odds of you successfully sabotaging their relationship and ending up with this girl yourself are pretty small while the odds of it completely blowing up in your face are pretty high.

    If he's really a scumbag she'll discover it eventually without you getting involved. After that? Who knows?
  18. hrodbert696

    hrodbert696 Moderator Staff Member Supporting Member

    My thoughts: forget about dating her yourself. Not gonna happen, or if it does, it won't have a happy ending. There are girls who respect themselves enough not to date scumbags and are smart enough to detect them. However lovely and sweet this girl may be, she isn't one of those, and dating her is only going to lead to greater misery for you. She probably knows, or at least suspects, what he's up to already, and is in denial about it or doesn't believe she deserves any better. She very well may not thank you for volunteering to force her out of her denial.

    The other thing, though, is this - in what sense is this guy your "friend?" It doesn't sound like you respect him. It certainly doesn't sound like he takes your advice or respects your feelings on the matter. What do you actually have in common with him that you like about him? Is his friendship such a valuable thing, if he treats his girlfriend like this?

    So I would say, if you want to be honest, tell him that you can't be his friend if you can't respect him, and stop hanging out with him. Ask him if letting his **** lead him through life is so precious he's willing to let it ruin his friendships. If the girl comes to you and asks why you're not friends with him anymore, then you might tell her - but don't expect her to thank you for it. Go on and find better friends.
  19. tastybasslines

    tastybasslines Banned

    May 9, 2010
    Los Angeles, CA
    Well said. And as soon as you try to "rescue" her, you basically automatically enter the friend zone for it, so what's the point?
  20. If you're not the most attractive and are very stable, ya tend to get friend zoned. Stable is boring and some crave excitement.