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Funny Everyday Quotes...

Discussion in 'Off Topic [BG]' started by ZenG, Feb 27, 2016.

  1. Phrases,quotes and sayings that people use on a regular basis....

    For example:.

    "That things on there tighter than Dick's hatband"

    "You drink enough of that you'll start liking your mother-in-law.."

    etc etc...

    Got any?
  2. I guess it depends on the people you are around on a regular basis. One of my favorites is:

    I feel like I've been shot at and missed, sh1t at and hit.
    ZenG likes this.
  3. I know the southern US guys got lots of them. I watch these reality shows from Lousiana or places like that and they come up with some gems and I laugh my butt off. Just can't remember them all right now.

    The two I posted are from Jim Tom on "Moonshiners".
  4. StudioStuntz


    Jul 19, 2015

    I've been backstabbed so many times, I have to lie on my stomach to drink liquids.
    ZenG likes this.
  5. Gorn


    Dec 15, 2011
    Queens, NY
    At every job I've had since my first scooping ice cream at 16, when asked how I'm doing I've always said "living the dream man...living the dream."
    Hoff Kinkmeister and Sixpack324 like this.
  6. Tom Bomb

    Tom Bomb Supporting Member

    Apr 23, 2014
    I've got a bloody swag of 'em,

    Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with a handful of millet.

    He's so fast he hits the light switch and gets into bed before it goes dark.

    I hope your chooks turn into umus and kick your dunny down.

    Strike me lucky.

    Turn it up.

    Flat out like a lizard drinkin'.

    Crooked as a dog's hind-leg.

    See ya 'round like a rissole.

    Mad as a meat-axe.

    All over the place like a mad woman's breakfast.

    Bangin' like a dunny door in a hurricane.

    Pissed as a fart.

    Three sheets to the wind.

    Out of his tree.

    Off his melon.

    You've got Buckley's chance.

    Dead as a dead dingo's donger.

    Could talk underwater with a mouthful of marbles.

    Sailing close to the wind.

    On your bike.

    Keep your shirt on.

    Don't get ya nickers in a knot.

    Shot to bits.

    It's a bugger of a thing.

    Got a face only 'is mother could love.

    You're a dingbat.

    You're a goose.

    You're a drongo.

    Happy cabbage.

    Couldn't fight 'is way out of a wet paper bag.

    If you had a brain, you'd be dangerous.

    Long streak o' pelican s**t.

    Blind as a bat.

    That'd kill a brown dog.

    She's so spunky.

    It's a mugs game.

    Last edited: Feb 29, 2016
  7. Slick as a needle in a barrel of snot.
  8. Gravedigger Dav

    Gravedigger Dav Supporting Member

    Mar 13, 2014
    Fort Worth, Texas
    I'm gonna kick your butt into the middle of next week.
    Immigrant likes this.

  9. Or

    I'm gonna kick you so hard your grandkids will be retarded
    Gravedigger Dav likes this.
  10. Steve


    Aug 10, 2001
    Does a one legged duck paddle in circles?
    Is a ducks *ss water tight?
    As Busy / Hopeless / Worthless as a one legged man in an*ss kicking contest.

    Every Yertle has their Mack

    I used to kick *ss. Now, I just stub my toe...
  11. two fingers

    two fingers Opinionated blowhard. But not mad about it. Gold Supporting Member

    Feb 7, 2005
    Eastern NC USA
    Ha! Mine has always been similar. "Lovin' life. Livin' the dream." :thumbsup:

    I tend to steal quotes from O Brother Where Art Thou all the time.

    Two of my favorites from back home.

    "That boy ain't got the sense God gave a box of rocks."

    "He ain't got sense enough to get out of the rain."

    Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand my all-time number one favorite? See my sig. ;)
  12. This one needs a little context. As a summer job when I was in school I was working in the woods as a logger. One day we were driving into town to pick up something and we saw a guy hitch-hiking. He had long, stringy, dirty hair; no shoes; a walking stick; and he was wearing a long, dirty, white robe. My first thought was, "there's Jesus."

    My co-worker said, "would you look at that ring-tailed dandy."

    It still makes me laugh when I think of that.
    PortlandBass77 likes this.
  13. StudioStuntz


    Jul 19, 2015

    Then there's:

    I'm gonna' hit you so hard that when you DO wake up, your clothes will be out of style.
    Immigrant and Gravedigger Dav like this.
  14. StudioStuntz


    Jul 19, 2015
    That person has two brains; one's the size of a canary seed and the other's just a little itty-bitty thing.
    kesslari likes this.
  15. StudioStuntz


    Jul 19, 2015
    There always people who disappear when there is work to be done or help needed...a sudden bathroom, cellphone,, coffee or cig break. When they finally return we used to say:

    Hey, look who's back! We're gonna nickname you "blister" 'cause you only show up after all the work is done.

    or, after returning from a long break or punching in late;

    Thank goodness you're still alive, we were all waiting for a ransom note.
    Vince Klortho and jchrisk1 like this.
  16. ONYX


    Apr 14, 2000
    In response to road conditions during a snow storm:

    "Slicker than snot on a doorknob."
  17. jchrisk1

    jchrisk1 Supporting Member

    Nov 15, 2009
    Northern MI
    I've often told my kids when telling them old stories;
    "Back when you were just a twitch in my pants"....
  18. I heard this in a movie and I have forgotten which one.

    You brain in a gnat's ass would look like a BB in a boxcar.
    StudioStuntz likes this.
  19. Richland123


    Apr 17, 2009
    That's drier than a popcorn fart.

    He's not the brightest light on the Christmas tree.

    He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

    That was so long a go that you weren't even a gleam in your daddy's eye then.
  20. Biggbass


    Dec 14, 2011
    Planet Earth
    that's like putting a $40 saddle on a $10 horse

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