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Funny musician ads, take 2

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by Dave Siff, Jan 11, 2001.

  1. I saw the first thread had been closed, but I ran across this ad today on atlantamusician.com, and it really deserves to be read. It was titled "I Love To Scream, I Scream All Day Long." Check it out:
    "I asked Santa for a vocalist for Christmas. I guess I was bad because he didn't get me ****. Everyday I just get closer and closer to mass murder. Im growing very impatient as time passes. My music is coming out to be just what I've always wanted. It's hard,it's dark and it's very technical. All I need is a voice for it. You know what else?........Today I was in the shower and I had one of my songs in my head. The next thing I knew I had hit myself really hard in the side of my head. It took me a minute to regain my rational thought as well as my balance. I know a lot of you don't understand this type of behavior. This is a result of me being all about my ****! If you know what Im saying and can scream your ass off call XXX-XXX-XXXX."

  2. jazzbo


    Aug 25, 2000
    San Francisco, CA
    Yeah, I'm all about the music, the vision. What Dave, you don't like my add? :D
  3. JWC

    JWC Banned

    Oct 4, 2000
    Geez Dave, I see you ran across the ad that my old band put out. Just kidding.

    I saw one hanging up at a music store a couple weeks ago that contained a line that I find somewhat humorous.
    "and by the way, if you have any aspirtations of playing Motely Crue covers then you need not apply."
  4. This threat reminds me of an ad that was put up in one of my music classes by one of the students, who was always telling everyone about starting a band... he was a "bass player" who "decided to sing"... the ad was looking for a bass player... I wish I had the whole thing because it was all pretty funny (including the band name AND the influences) but one line I really laughed at was "must use fingers (it looks cooler)"

  5. yawnsie


    Apr 11, 2000
    The other day, our drummer was in a music shop when he saw an ad, asking for a drummer and a bass player, and decided to text message the guy's mobile. (He tells us he did it for a laugh, but I don't know - maybe he's trying to tell us something...) Anyway, the fella, without knowing how good my friend was, texted him back and said he was in, providing he weighed less than 13 stone.

  6. mijarra


    Jan 20, 2001
    Sort of related:

    Back in college I was in this band and we were looking for a guitar player or singer or something. So we typed up our ad and posted it around town. It said "Guitarist wanted, blah blah blah," the usual stuff, but at the bottom we wrote simply "No drugs!" mostly because we lost our former guy b/c of his drug problems. It was a very sad thing and we didn't feel like dealing with that again. Well, we wanted to post this ad at my college but we had to clear it with some administrator who would screen and personally stamp our little signs, thus qualifying them for bulletin board status. She refused to allow us to post our signs. At first I thought it was because we were a metal band, but she said her reason was because she felt that by stating "no drugs" we were unfairly discriminating against people who like to do drugs. Hmmm...

    For a while we comtemplated putting up a sign without their approval saying "heroine addicts only apply" but we decided that it would only be funny until I got expelled.
  7. I've seen a few ads in the past few years that say "If you suck, please don't call".

    That always cracks me up.
  8. How about this:Looking for bassist,must have tranportation,own equipment,and experience.If you are older than 21 do not apply.

    Good luck!!!Is all I have to say.
    I have nothing against people of any age,but this ad shoots itself in the foot.The perpetrators of that might as well not play in bars until they are all of legal age.Then when they're all 22,they can fire the whole band.Hmmmmm....come to think of it,this might be Menudo's contract.Ooops!!
  9. AAA Gay boy band needs natural blond gay male aged 18-26 for backing vocals must be open minded and be able to play other instruments. Must also be willing to tour and ready to record with big label may tour UK.

    I love the use of natural blonde and open minded so we rang up and dobbed in our drummer (not gay) and he got a phone back and freaked out only problem was he wasn't blonde.

    Another one was 666 Death Metal vocals needed by the Deathiest Band. Only serious f***ers apply otherwise f*** off call (**)**** ****

    I cant see anyone who sings like that can be serious oh well each to their own i suppose.

    This all came courtesy of the great free publication Drum Media.
  10. Internal bleeding seeks vocalist clear, powerful and pissed off voice a must. Also must be able to go low and deep. Chris (631) ***-8698. Leave Message. (802)

  11. Girl screamer with man-bashing lyrics wanted for metal band. We rip off Crowbar, Disturbed, and Pantera. 516-***-7182.


  12. Squidfinger

    Squidfinger I wish I could sing like Rick Danko.

    Jan 7, 2004
    Shreveport LA
    If you are a musician in the area, and you dream of rock stardom, then this post isn't for you. But, if you are a musician, and you are more interested in music theory, and playing music for the sake of playing music, then read on.

    I have moved down here to Shreveport from St. Louis about a year ago, and I still have yet to find creative thinking musicians to play with. Back in St. Louis, and then up the road in Chicago, all sorts of music is going on that down here people just don't understand. The concept of deconstructing rock, or playing a show of nothing but amp feedback, etc. seems to be lost on the people that I have talked to so far. I play drums, but I have also played reeds in a grind-core, free jazz group out of Chicago, and I'm interested in playing electric bass, although I don't know how to play bass, but that's just the point! I'm interested in finding free jazz freak-out musicians, skilled guitarist for more complicated pieces, people who are interested in making pure noise on stage, etc. Basicly, I need to find like-minded people down here. So, if you play guitar, bass, drums, sax, bass clarinet, etc. and want to do non-traditional music, noise, etc., please get in touch with me.


  13. Matt Till

    Matt Till

    Jun 1, 2002
    Edinboro, PA
    IF I was in the area, I'd totally call! Freak out Jazz musicians! I don't see how that post is weird or funny. Freak out jazz is like saying Zappacore. :D
  14. Mike N

    Mike N Missing the old TB Supporting Member

    Jan 28, 2001
    Spencerport, New York
    Nothing like resurrecting a 4 year old thread. I nearly fell out of my chair when I saw who made post #4.

    What's even scarier is when I clicked into his profile, seeing this....... "Last Activity: 03-26-2005 09:18 AM"

  15. Chazinroch


    Feb 2, 2003
    Ontario N.Y.
    Here's one from the local on-line music coalition. Only something a guitar player would post. I wonder if there is a doorway wide enough that he could fit his head through?

    Details Ask anyone--- I"ve put more sad sack's in my Guitar Case then i can count--- I won"t name the Band's-They"ll get real p*** : ed off- Rochester set's them up and i slap them down,,,,,,They know who they are---- the name's never change, but the looks on there face are real funny after i use my stratobasturd on them, get real people,,,,,,,,,,,, When my Marshall fall's on your head you"ll know it { Dam FOOLS } Mitch miller. :rollno:
  16. What if I just show up with a vacuum cleaner or a chain saw?
  17. andruca


    Mar 31, 2004
    Madrid (Spain)
    I use to put "I'm the guy who appears in the photo under the word SERIOUS in the dictionary" when I offer my services. :)

  18. Tash


    Feb 13, 2005
    Bel Air Maryland
    Been done before, try a new appliance.
  19. Matt Till

    Matt Till

    Jun 1, 2002
    Edinboro, PA

    Iggy Pop was talking about old stooges shows and how it was someones job to tip over an amp with it's reverb at 10 at a certain point in the show.

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