1. Please take 30 seconds to register your free account to remove most ads, post topics, make friends, earn reward points at our store, and more!  
    TalkBass.com has been uniting the low end since 1998.  Join us! :)

Funny Stuff

Discussion in 'Bass Humor [DB]' started by Tom Baldwin, Sep 16, 2004.

  1. I got this email that's being forwarded around. Some of them are old, but a couple had me in tears.

    A jazz musician got to a gig early and the club owner said, "You're early! What happened?"

    The musician quickly replied, "I underslept!"
    A very intense, self-absorbed saxophone player is sitting at the bar after playing all night. A beautiful woman shyly approaches him and says, "Excuse me, I hate to intrude, but I just have to tell you that I saw you play tonight. I have never been so deeply affected by music before. It's like it woke up my mind and my heart. It also woke me up as a woman. Your music touched me so deeply that I just want to take you home with me and make mad passionate love to you all night long."

    The saxophone player stares at her for a moment and asks, "Did you see the first set or the second set?"
    Did you hear the one about the Polish jazz musician who went into jazz for the money?
    Jazz is the most fun you can have with your clothes on. (Herb Pomeroy)
    Joe Venuti's Christmas present to one armed trumpet player, Wingy Malone: One cuff link.
    The better it gets, the fewer of us know it. (Ray Brown)
    Warren Covington used to have an arrangement of "Tea for Two Cha-Cha" that had a carefully rehearsed break on the downbeat of the 15th measure, with total silence until the beginning of the 17th. One night, Doug Mettome found the opening irresistible. When the band hit the break, Doug stood up and shouted, "Pennsylvania six, five thousand!" The rest of the band did not come back in on the 17th bar, or anywhere else. They had all collapsed with laughter.
    Hotel guy: OK, that completes your check in, your room is # 124, right down the hall.

    Musician: Thanks, it's nice to have a night off and just relax for a change. I'll think I'll have a nice dinner, glass of wine, and go
    somewhere to hear someone else play for a change. Do you have any jazz clubs in this town?

    Hotel guy: Well we happen to have an excellent restaurant right here in the hotel and tonight is jazz night in our lounge.

    Musician: WOW, I wonder if I would know anyone in the band?

    Hotel guy: Well, I know the pianist's name is Oscar Peterson.

    Musician: WOW, "THE" Oscar Peterson?

    Hotel guy: well, not "THE" Oscar Peterson, but he happens to play piano and he is a local player who we think very highly of.

    Musician: Well, I'll give him a listen.

    Hotel guy: And I think the bass players name is Ray Brown.

    Musician: WOW, "THE" Ray Brown?

    Hotel guy: Well, not "THE" Ray Brown, but his name is Raymond Brown and he happens to also play bass.

    Musician: Well, I'll check him out.

    Hotel guy: The drummers name is Louis Bellson.

    Musician: WOW,.......... (you know the drill by now)

    Hotel guy: and the horn player is Kenny G.

    Musician: WOW, "THE" Kenny G?

    Hotel guy: I'm afraid so !
    A vocalist hired a piano player to accompany her at an audition for a night-club job. After listening to a couple of songs, the owner said, "Can you sing 'When Sonny Gets Blue?' It's my favorite song. If you can sing it, you're hired." The singer whispered to the piano player, "I don't know it all the way through." The piano player said, "I know it. Go ahead and start, and I'll prompt you." Reluctantly, she began: "When Sonny Gets Blue . . ." She looked at the piano player for help. He whispered confidently, "B-flat minor ninth."
    One night, a front man said to the drummer, "When the band starts to swing, I want you to play more on the ride cymbal." The drummer replied, "When the band starts to swing, will you please raise your hand?"
    A female vocalist goes for an audition for a show. When it's her turn, she calls "I'll Remember April" in D-flat.

    "D-Flat!" the piano player exclaims.

    Taken aback, she replies "Yes, D-flat. Is that too fast?"
  2. Shouldn't that be Wingy Manone?...

    Speaking of Joe Venuti, if he had had a son and named him after another great violinist, Yehudi Menuhin, the kid's name would be Yehudi Venuti.
    Sounds more like an ice cream flavour.
  3. To my furner´s ears Wingy Manone sounds exactly the same.. :D
  4. Ed Fuqua

    Ed Fuqua

    Dec 13, 1999
    Chuck Sher publishes my book, WALKING BASSICS:The Fundamentals of Jazz Bass Playing.
    Wasn't he the guy that was selling a trumpet and said "It's absolutley unplayed in the upper register"
  5. Jimmy Manone Jr

    Jimmy Manone Jr

    Sep 29, 2004
  6. Savino


    Jun 2, 2004
    OH MAN!!!!!!!
    Im am SOOO sorry. Your father is really a sweet sweet man. The two of us did hang after the gig for a while and he proved my first impression to be way wrong. Consider my tounge bitten. I am usually the last one to poke fun at someone else's expense. I just had a bad experience, not with your father but the whole band altogether. The saxophone playing bandleader kept calling the crappiest of tunes (ie. hot,hot,hot, The Limbo, etc.) all while he's videotaping it, making us smile so he could get a cruise ship gig! It was a little painful.
    Once again, I sincerely apologize for my comments and I mean no disrespect to you or father.
  7. msw


    Aug 21, 2003
    The trumpet player who was selling the trumpet with the unused upper register was Bobby Hackett.I think he put an ad in some muicians papaper advertising a horn for sale saying words to the effect "for sale, trumpet (cornet?) upper-register like new....never used.
  8. anonymous0726

    anonymous0726 Guest

    Nov 4, 2001
    Some interesting perspectives on music:

    "I write [music] as a sow piddles." - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

    "My sole inspiration is a telephone call from a producer." - Cole Porter

    "Don't bother to look. I've composed all this already." - Gustav Mahler to
    Bruno Walter (who had stopped to admire mountain scenery in rural Austria).

    "I would rather play "Chiquita Banana" and have my swimming pool than play
    Bach and starve." - Xavier Cugat

    "[Musicians] talk of nothing but money and jobs. Give me businessmen every
    time. They really are interested in music and art." - Jean Sibelius,
    explaining why he rarely invited musicians to his home.

    "The amount of money one needs is terrifying..." - Ludwig van Beethoven

    "Only become a musician if there is absolutely no other way you can make a
    living." - Kirke Mecham, on his life as a composer

    "Chaos is a friend of mine." - Bob Dylan

    "There is nothing more difficult than talking about music." - Camille

    "I am not handsome, but when women hear me play they come crawling to my
    feet." - Niccoló Paganini

    "Of course I'm ambitious. What's wrong with that? Otherwise, you sleep all
    day." - Ringo Starr

    "What is the voice of song when the world lacks the ear of taste?" -
    Nathaniel Hawthorne

    "Flintmust be an extremely wealthy town. I see that each of you bought two
    or three seats." - Victor Borge, playing to a half-filled house in Flint,

    "If one hears bad music, it is one's duty to drown it by one's
    conversation." - Oscar Wilde

    "Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together." - Mel

    "Life can't be all bad when, for ten dollars, you can buy all the Beethoven
    sonatas and listen to them for ten years." - William F. Buckley, Jr.

    "You can't possibly hear the last movement of Beethoven's Seventh and go
    slow." - Oscar Levant, explaining his way out of a speeding ticket.

    "Wagner's music is better than it sounds." - Mark Twain

    "I love Beethoven . especially the poems." - Ringo Starr

    "Berlioz says nothing in his music. But he says it magnificently." - James
    Gibbons Hunekar

    "If a young man at the age of 23 can write a symphony like that, in five
    years, he will be ready to commit murder." - Walter Damrosch on Aaron

    "There are still so many beautiful things to be said in C major." - Sergei

    "I never use a score when conducting my orchestra ... does a lion tamer
    enter a cage with a book on how to tame a lion?" - Dimitri Mitropolous

    "God tells me how the music should sound, but you stand in the way." -
    Arturo Toscanini to a trumpet player

    "Already too loud!" - Bruno Walter, at his first rehearsal with an American
    orchestra, upon seeing the players reaching for their instruments.

    "I really don't know whether anyplace contains more pianists than Paris, or
    whether you can find more asses and virtuosos anywhere." - Frederic Chopin

    "When she started to play, Steinway himself came down personally and rubbed
    his name off the piano." - Bob Hope, on comedienne Phyllis Diller

    "Never look at the trombones, it only encourages them." - Richard Strauss

    "In opera, there is always too much singing." - Claude Debussy

    "An exotic and irrational entertainment." - Samuel Johnson's definition of

    "If a thing isn't worth saying, you sing it." - Pierre Beaumarchais, The
    Barber of Seville

    "Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of dying. he
    sings." - Robert Benchley

    "I'd hate this to get out, but I really like opera." - Ford Frick

    "Oh, how wonderful, really wonderful, opera would be if there were no
    singers!" - Gioacchino Rossini

    "Movie music is noise. It's even more painful than my sciatica." - Sir
    Thomas Beecham

    "I think popular music in this country is one of the few things in the 20th
    century that have made giant strides in reverse." - Bing Crosby

    "Theirs [the Beatles] is a happy, cocky, belligerently resource-less brand
    of harmonic primitivism . . . In the Liverpudlian repertoire, the indulgent
    amateurishness of the musical material, though closely rivaled by the
    indifference of the performing style, is actually surpassed only by the
    ineptitude of the studio production method.(Strawberry Fields suggests a
    chance encounter at a mountain wedding between Claudio Monteverdi and a jug
    band.)" - Glenn Gould

    "It's pretty clear now that what looked like it might have been some kind of
    counterculture is, in reality, just the plain old chaos of undifferentiated
    weirdness." - Jerry Garcia

    "A ponderous orchestral absurdity." - Frank Zappa, on his rock symphony,
    debuted by the Los Angeles Philharmonic
  9. Jimmy Manone Jr

    Jimmy Manone Jr

    Sep 29, 2004
    It's alright-Just kinda weird to run across that, especially in the context that it was written in. Anyway-keep on jammin'. Good luck and Thanks for the apology.