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Gig Haiku

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by Hambone, Nov 24, 2002.

  1. Not all of these are applicable to our situations here but these are damn funny! They came from a band director friend down in Port St. Lucie FL:

    Squeaking and squawking
    All eyes roll to the heavens
    The clarinet speaks
    One beat to change from
    Harmon to cup to bucket
    Hey, who wrote this $!&*?
    The jam session starts
    Somebody calls "Giant Steps"
    Cold fear grips my brain
    Here's the girl singer
    Stepping to the microphone
    Pitch, Time, All gone now
    Gig is going well
    Some jerk requests "In the Mood"
    I look at my watch
    I once had a dream
    Big house, new car, big money
    Now I play the bass
    Gorgeous chick tells me
    "You sound just like Kenny G"
    My ego shatters
    Three-eight, eleven-eight
    Damn you Andrew Lloyd Webber
    Five-eight, seven-eight
    The woodwind doubler
    Practicing the piccolo
    Frustration defined
    Pit orchestra gig
    Days and nights become as one
    I have no damned life
    Bad intonation
    Strings are sharp and reeds are flat
    Brass too loud again
    Great changes, good groove
    A one-in-a-million gig
    No singer. Yippee!
    An oxymoron:
    "He played the accordion
    With delicacy"
    The accordion
    "Squeeze box," yes, but more often
    "The Stomach Steinway"
    Bassoons forever
    Try in vain not to sound like
    A farting bedpost
    The strings slowly tune
    When they're done the unisons
    Are anything but
    "I can't find my note"
    Bemoans the confused singer
    Quit now," we all pray
    The contractor calls
    Months of Andrew Lloyd Webber
    "Bird Lives" no longer
    Money's everything
    Playing any gig that comes
    Whores, we are all whores

    That plate of hors d'oeuvres
    Cost more than we're getting paid
    Think we underbid?

    Break time is over
    Rest of band is returning
    Now for that phone call

    Rock drummer, lounge keys
    Classically trained singer
    Welcome to sub hell

    God bless trust fund gigs
    Only have to eat ramen
    For a few more weeks

    My drummer helped me
    Count the syllables
  2. Nick Gann

    Nick Gann Talkbass' Tubist in Residence

    Mar 24, 2002
    Silver Spring, MD

    It would be funnier if it wasn't so true :(

    those are great!
  3. Brendan

    Brendan Supporting Member

    Jun 18, 2000
    Austin, TX
    Who might that be?
  4. Funny stuff! Thanks Hammy!
  5. moley


    Sep 5, 2002
    Hampshire, UK
  6. I was hoping you'd read this and ask!

    My friend is Jim LeBon. We go all the way back to around 1980 when he was at FSU and I was working with his fiancee' (Not his current wife - DON'T ASK) We just recently started corresponding again. Jim is pretty much a genius when it comes to bands, marching, and other related musical stuff. I respect him a lot.
  7. eli

    eli Mad showoff 7-stringer and Wish lover Supporting Member

    Dec 12, 1999
    NW suburban Chicago
    7-string high F
    I lose track on the high notes
    Solos are scary!

    Folk-rock singer gig
    High notes out of place; C and
    F just in the way

    Once had a 4-string;
    Sold it to get the 7.
    No going back now!
  8. chucko58


    Jan 17, 2002
    Silicon Valley, CA, USA
    I paid for all my gear myself. Well, me and MasterCard.
    A few new ones off the top of my head, I hope you enjoy them:

    Too loud, rhythm lost
    No one safe from flying sticks
    Drummer drunk again

    Tell me, don't tell him
    Secrets kept from band leader
    Breakup coming soon

    Not that song again?
    I've played it for decades now
    Novelty worn off

    Wrong intro, wrong chords
    Guitars clash, singer off key
    "Yeah, we can play that!"

    Thousands spent on gear
    Playing for tips, house empty
    Strangely rewarding

    Gig a week away
    Many songs, few rehearsals
    New lineup challenged
  9. Josh Ryan

    Josh Ryan - that dog won't hunt, Monsignor. Supporting Member

    Mar 24, 2001
    Very funny! :) :)
  10. chucko58


    Jan 17, 2002
    Silicon Valley, CA, USA
    I paid for all my gear myself. Well, me and MasterCard.
    But wait, I came up with more while in a meeting yesterday! :D

    Years of music school
    Countless days spent practicing
    All for this? "Free Bird!"

    Day job pays the bills
    Nights spent on darkened stages
    Rather be on stage

    Ready, well rehearsed
    Lights go down, memory flees
    What key is this in?

    Finding songs on web
    MP3s lack quality
    Buy the discs, cheapskate!

    Buzz, crackle and hum
    Intermittent - time to find
    Another cable

    32nd notes
    Flashy, but a quarter note
    Better suits the song

    Bright at start of gig
    Dead and flabby at gig's end
    New strings don't last long
  11. eli

    eli Mad showoff 7-stringer and Wish lover Supporting Member

    Dec 12, 1999
    NW suburban Chicago
    Bad monitor mix
    Singer can't hear his guitar
    No, I WON'T turn down!

    My solo cut short
    Singer throwing a tantrum
    What fun is THIS gig?

    End of the evening
    Handshake and big, friendly smile
    Not so bad, I guess.

    Count the door money
    Over 400 smackers?
    Sure, I'll play again!
  12. Geddy Lee Jazz bass
    55 dollars a month
    Still, the wife says no
    Cute girl sits up front
    But I can't make eye contact
    Must look at the neck
    Hey Mr. Sound Guy
    Less guitar, vocals and drums
    In the monitor
    Putting drums on stage
    Tripped and fell, cut off my amp
    Note to self: Smoke less
  13. moley


    Sep 5, 2002
    Hampshire, UK
    Far too much reverb
    Snare sounds just like a shot gun
    Must be the eighties

    Not really bass or gig related though.

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