Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by bassman2, Mar 4, 2006.

    In the beginning there was a bass. It was a fender, probably a Precision,
    but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old.
    definitely pre-C.B.S.
    And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was
    very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though man would
    later try). And so he let it be and he created a man to play the bass.

    And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst'
    red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang
    through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb
    came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and he
    smiled at his handiwork.
    Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky.
    And God heard this funkiness and he said, "Go man, go." And it was good.
    And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to
    practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set
    of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like
    a breeze through the heavens.
    And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which he
    had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of
    furniture, which he hadn't created yet, and he was not so pleased.
    And he spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"
    Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new
    ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the
    heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion.
    (Some of the angels started to dance, but that's another story.)
    And God heard this - how could he miss it - and lo he became bugged. And
    he spoke to the man, and he said, "listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix,
    I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."
    And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But
    now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the
    frets off the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his
    fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the
    neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the
    Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks.
    And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and
    Now gods wrath was great. And his voice was thunder as he spoke to the man.
    And he said, "OK for you, pal. You have not heeded my word. Lo, I shall
    create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even
    think of."
    "And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall
    play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you always
    stand next to the drummer."
    "You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to
    make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other
    instruments, and lo, they shall be able to play higher and faster than
    the bass."
    "And for all the days of man, your course shall be this; that all the
    other musicians shall lookst you, the bass player, for the low notes."
    "And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow"
    but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for
    your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for
    all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to
    sneak them in like a thief in the night."
    "And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the
    bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."
    And it was so.
  2. wow.... thats never been posted before :meh:
  3. flatwoundfender


    Feb 24, 2005
    ha that's it. funny and it has good points.
  4. ebe9


    Feb 26, 2006
    South Africa
    most humourus................

    have not seen that before, think I am going to print it and stick it on my wall
  5. I bet god would be a badass bassist.

  6. o how true! this is pretty funny, i should check out that book now...
  7. pulseczar


    May 7, 2004
    San Jose, CA
    +1. I imagine him to be very similar to Geddy Lee.
  8. Johnny Mac

    Johnny Mac Riff-finder General Supporting Member

    Sep 28, 2005
    Springfield, MA
    This raises an interesting question: What bass would Jesus play?
  9. funk_dat_jazz


    Mar 10, 2006

    it would have every thing a bass could ever have but not over 4 strings i dont think
  10. Kronos


    Dec 28, 2005
    Philadelphia, PA
    Then Satan must've created ERB's so that Man can play the high notes...
  11. plexibass


    Jun 30, 2005
    lee rocker has a song with a similar theme called RUMBLIN' BASS. i'll post the lyrics soon
  12. d8g3jdh

    d8g3jdh Guest

    Aug 9, 2005
    Only, god would be good.


    But seriously, I'll beat the flamers by posting my justification for not being the biggest fan of geddy now. I've always found his playing to be a little to busy, like he always has to be there. It's like, too much, you know? Ease up, give it a little more space. The result of this busy style of playing means that he doesn't fit in quite well, which results in him not being that great, in my books

    IMO, 2 cents, and no, I could never play as well as he could. Doesn't mean I have to like him.
  13. SBassman


    Jun 8, 2003
    Northeast, US
    It would definitely have a natural finish.
  14. I was waiting for a nice answer from the man but that never came...
  15. I think God would thump away on an old P-bass, with really old and dirty flat wound strings. He would also never ever wipe it down, so it would be full of funk. I also would bet that Jamerson, Jaco and God are all thumping away together right now.
  16. Jesus would probably play a BC Rich Warlock
  17. Since he was a carpenter, it would be one he made with his own hands!
  18. SBassman


    Jun 8, 2003
    Northeast, US
    I'm hoping to jam with them someday. :)
  19. SBassman


    Jun 8, 2003
    Northeast, US
    But it would like way better than a Wish Bass. :D
  20. BassChuck


    Nov 15, 2005
    but would he really need any strings?